The Henderson-Hasselback

22Mar10

So I’ve accepted I can’t keep avoiding my computer forever.  Sure I stop in here and there to check email and stuff, but I am severely falling behind in my reading.  I scanned slashdot for the first time in WEEKS yesterday.  Weeks?!?  Something seems wrong with this equation ..

Especially when I got home from my midnight shift this morning and said ‘hey it is Monday, new Penny Arcade …’ before deciding I was too tired to care.  The madness must end!

So, I blog.

I find it ironic that this guy I know, z, made a remark a good while back about how I spend so much time at the computer.  Maybe I should be spending less time writing about life and more time living life.  I wouldn’t say that it was the catalyst that drove me to spending less time chained to my laptop, but I think it was a contributing factor.  Combined with gorgeous weather, my fight with C, and my latest tunnel-visioned addiction to my PS3 it was a battle I was born to lose.  The ironic part of this whole thing is that z now seems annoyed (or something akin to it) that I am never around these days.  I keep coming back to my computer to find messages indicating I am ‘away as usual’.  I’m starting to wonder if there is a way to ever make a man happy.

So, I blog.  I have plans for my evening, but nothing that can’t wait for a few minutes while I do this.  In point form:

– the Preacher Man:  we have a date for next Thursday, dinner and a movie.  I keep forgetting this is happening, and as a result haven’t built up any excitement for it.  Having him on my FB is probably why I can’t get excited; everything he posts about is his kids.  Or hockey.  Or his desire for a ‘nice hockey mom’.  I can’t fulfill this desire for him since (a) I dislike hockey, and (2) I don’t want to be a mom, and (iii) I don’t want to get married soon.  It just feels like this whole set-up is going to end up as nothing but a booty call, and though I know it’s been months since I’ve gotten laid I just don’t feel that … desperate.

– 6.02 x 10-23:  Avo has started taking breaks with me, sitting down and chit-chatting which I guess is kind of nice since I don’t really know him all that well.  I still can’t claim to know what he does in his spare time other than (a) cook, (2) bbq, and (iii) jog.  He says something to me every time he sees me in the hallway, plus he stops in to talk once in awhile.  I’d almost wager to say we are becoming … friends.  Crazyness abound.

– Sin:  why yes, he’s still kicking around!  He sent me an email last week; a very long verbatum in which he does a lot of ‘blah blah’ing.  I still haven’t replied.  I’m starting to understand the whole philosophy of ‘going through the motions’.  It feels like our interactions are past their expiry, and we’re just continuing this whole dialogue with no steam and out of some weird feeling of obligation.  I don’t mind calling a spade a spade, and this one is definitely spade-like.

– random 1:  I’m covering for the Fu-manchu while he’s gone to wherever he is going.  Last night I got to work late from a friend’s party, so I was still in my dress while starting my night until I had time to change into jeans.  I think this somehow set a tone, people (namely men) seeing me in a dress, because guys that I normally wouldn’t have talked to much on this shift were very chatty.  It was weird, because when I was on midnights and Chaos was in his old job he used to stop in frequently through the night to pester/chat with me.  Last night a guy who does his old job was doing the same thing.  Warning bells went off in my head the first time he came to talk to me, and they got louder the second time.  By the end of his night and his fifth visit, each exceeding five minutes, I was getting a bad feeling about the situation.  This is a guy where, the whole year I was on this shift, barely exchanged more than 10 sentences with me.   And then, as if to remove all doubt he struts in (yes, he actually struts) and says to the guy I was talking to “hey, isn’t it nice having someone other than Fu-manchu to look at while you wait?  She’s certainly prettier than he is, and definitely a lot more attractive…” as he continued on.  I felt like I was channeling Meredith Grey for a moment when I whirled around and said “Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?!?”.  I think the other guy understood something was off in the air, because he said “I don’t know, Fu-manchu has that exotic look to him…”, which made me laugh and saved the day.  Now I’m not saying that the guy is into me, he was just flirting.  But the whole situation oozed of Chaosness, and that just wasn’t something I particularly enjoyed.  Triggers and all that jazz.

– random 2:  my icebreaker from random 1.  Sigh. Here’s the predicament — we started talking a few weeks back when he overheard me talking about gaming at break.  He was a devout 360-fan, but somehow I managed to convince him that the PS3 was the cat’s ass, enough that he rented one and fell in love (with the console) and bought one for himself.  As a form of thank you for the introductions he offered to sell me one of the two copies of GoW3 that he got for cheap.  I said sure, but then he ran over my copy accidentally.  I told him not to worry, but he got me another copy the other day from his friend.  I don’t know if I’m paranoid or something, but it seemed a little strange to me that he was willing to pay his buddy twice for a game for me, since he destroyed the first one.  I mean I told him ‘no big deal’, but he insisted on getting another one, so whatever.  He talked to me about his wife trashing his last 360 by slamming it into the driveway and told me stories about his kids, so I always had this impression that he was currently married.   You know that old saying about assumptions?  Yeah.  He came in to chat with me last night and he made a remark that seemed odd to me, so I poked my nose where it didn’t belong.  Turns out he’s separated from his wife, and as he was telling me this things started to slide into place.  So -that- was why she trashed his 360.  I kind of groaned on the inside, because when all of this first started I had the concern he was being too nice to me and might be interested.  But then I got the marriage impression and banished that worry.  But now?  I still wouldn’t say that I think he’s interested, but I guess I’m aware enough to check for warning signs.

– random 3:  Darwin’s friend.  I spent Saturday night with Darwin and his buddy, whom he keeps offering to set me up with, playing video games.  His buddy passed out pretty quick, leaving Darwin and I playing video games until about 5:30am, when I left to go home.  He offered to let me crash at his place, meaning I’d be on the couch opposite his buddy, but I declined and headed home due to the fear that if I stayed the set-up process would continue.  His buddy is on my psn friends list, and we actually were chatting a bit on the weekend before we teamed up to play some MW2 multiplayer.   Unlike random coworker lackey I didn’t worry that he’d judge me on my skills (or lack thereof) and I actually had fun.  He left me a message saying goodnight before he logged off, which was a nice touch.  He’s fun, funny, and we share common interests (he seemed impressed that I’ve seen Dillinger Escape Plan, and apparently we even saw the same tour but in different locations), but Darwin’s always seemed hesitant to try and set us up, preferring the idea of me with his other friend.  I kind of see where he’s coming from, but I still like the idea of maybe becoming friends with his buddy.  I wish to steal him and make him mine!!! Err .. my friend.  Ahem.

– Chaos:  if that whole situation has taught me anything, it’s to not get involved with people from work.  You can be their friend, sure, but avoid random hookups at all costs.  Our interactions at work have been very …. boring.  It almost feels in a way like we’re just not that interested in talking to one another.  We had a few of the same breaks, and though we ended up sitting next to one another we didn’t really acknowledge the other’s existence.  I can’t really pinpoint where things went wrong in our friendship, but whatever.  The only reason I blog about him is because he’s still around and has been a constant in the blog since it started.  I know one day the ‘Entropy’ tag will be retired from use and only applicable in the historical sense, but I guess we’re not at that stage yet.  Maybe in the summer, when he supposedly moves to Thailand.

And this concludes the story of my romantic life at this time.  Honestly, this was grasping.  I know on some level I should be concerned that I possess no desire to date or settle down.  I’m 30 after all, and certainly not getting any younger as time goes on.  But on the same token I am only 30, which means I have plenty of time.  I just worry sometimes that I will end up like my mom, who fell off the horse and never really figured out how to get back on.  I guess blogging like this keeps my brain fresh about boys, but it feels more like a chore than a desire.  And with boys it should always be about desire.

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.” — Elie Wiesel

Filed under: General Neurosis   |  3 Comments
Tags: Avogadro, awkwardness, Data Analysis, dating, douchebaggery, Entropy, friendship, Games, Historical Relevance, Inconclusive Results, intimacy, moments of doh, other randoms, Relationships, Sex, Sin, Sociological Expectations, the C constant, the ego, the laws of nature, triggers