Cohabitation

06Feb11

It’s been a bit since my last blog, and I suppose a few things have happened since then that might be considered noteworthy.

First off, Dex and I had a conversation last weekend that helped to soothe the soul a bit.  While lying in bed one day, I started the dialogue by saying “What I’m about to ask  is probably going to be a stupid question but …. are we dating exclusively?”.  I felt his entire body tense up against me for a moment before he replied “Well I’ve been dating you exclusively” before a moment’s pause, followed by “why, haven’t you been dating me exclusively?”.   I told him that yes I was, but I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page was all.  Which is how I should have left the conversation .. but of course I didn’t.

“But I’m not trying to say we’re in a relationship or anything, or that you have to be my boyfriend or something.  We’re cool with just the whole dating thing.  You know?”.

He sighed, and I’m pretty sure I felt head shaking going on.

I try, and I mean that I honestly do try.  I just feel like someone with special needs when it comes to relationships and talking about how I feel.  It probably doesn’t help matters that Dex is not one to ooze how he feels either, but being the more emotionally inept of the duo has left the two of us in many an awkward moment.  I feel horrible for it afterwards, but the damage has already been done.

I asked Dex out on a date the previous weekend to do a dinner-and-a-movie outing.  Having that sinking suspicion that once again I was making all the arrangments, I vowed that I wouldn’t take the initiative to make any dates.  In this act I assumed it meant that he’d be asking me on Thursday what my plans were for Friday, but he actually asked me on Tuesday if we could get together on Friday night for a date.  The plan was drinks and videogames at his place, with him making some of his infamous homemade pizza.  We got a few drinks in, and I’ll admit that his pizza is amazing.  Never got around to the gaming though.  But of all the memories of that night that I have, the one that sticks out the most isn’t related to the sex, but rather just after I got there.  I was leaning against the counter as he was chopping vegetables for the pizzas, telling him about my week at work.  Work has been very stressful and busy lately, and I’ve been finding myself run down and burnt out most days.  Combining that with going to the gym most days after work I find myself exhausted more days than not.  I took a swig of my beer, and as I put it back down on the counter I found him placing his hands on my hips and kissing me.  It was a soft kiss that lingered, and my pulse raced for every  moment that it remained unbroken.  When he pulled back I asked him what that was for, and he simply shrugged and said “I’m just happy to see you”.  He kissed my forehead and smiled, then went back to the food prep.

I predict that down the road, this will be the moment that I’ll claim as when my heart opened to him.

I’m not saying that I love him, because I don’t think I’m there yet.  There are moments when I feel rushes, or when curled up against him I have this feeling of completeness.  There are times that I feel I could not live without him.  But I wouldn’t go so far as to say I love him – yet.  But in that moment I realized that whether I want it to happen or not, it’s inevitably coming.

I’ve noticed myself evolving, and not because I feel like I need to change who I am because he wants it.  I find myself changing who I am  because I want it.  Where I used to be not very fond of cuddling, I’m getting to the point that after a long hard day at work the thing I crave most is to curl up against him and just be held.  Where historically I’d be firmly against PDAs, the few times it’s happened haven’t been as felt as horrible as they did in the past.    Instead of getting upset over something and jumping down his throat about it, I mull it over and let myself calm down before bringing it up.  I don’t let myself indulge in the idea that he’s perfect, and instead recognize that (like me) he has faults too.  I kiss him – a lot, and text sporatically just to let him know I’m thinking about him.

I think the biggest step for me was Saturday – when I left his house shortly after lunch to head to the city to spend time with C before going to a girls’ night.  He was going out to a guys’ night, but he still texted me throughout the night.  When I was about to head home, I bounced the idea of my coming back that night to spend some more time with him.  We agreed he’d leave the door unlocked and I’d just come up to bed when I got in.

But when I did get there I found him sitting in his room playing WoW with the dog sitting next to him.  After petting the dog I slid next to him, resting my head against his chest as he hugged me.  We just sat like that, not really saying anything, but just enjoying the company.  I told him I was glad I came back, and he said he was glad too.

Sunday was spent getting quality time in, but him doing some stuff on his own while I curled up and napped on the couch or played with the dog.  He baked banana bread and we did some grocery shopping.  I guess this is kind of what life would be like if things worked out down the line and we lived together.  So far I like what I’ve seen.

One afternoon while curled up and watching tv, I had a sudden realization.  “Hey, we’ve been going on dates for about three months now, and we’ve been talking to each other for about five months”, I said to him.  He thought on it, and agreed my  math was right.  I was boggled by how fast time has passed, and yet it feels like no time has passed.  It reminded me of my favorite Einstein quote, which I shared with him:

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”

That earned me a squeeze, and a kiss on the head.

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Tags: affection, dating, Dex, emotions, human contact, intimacy, kissing, love, Relationships, self-analysis, subconscious, the C constant