I’ve taken more biology courses over my life than I’d care to remember, but one of the common themes that always popped up with them was evolution.   And I always understood the main point of it, bubbling back to ‘survival of the fittest’ or ‘adapt or die’.  What I hated was that 10 different scientists would take the exact same theory and tweak a few words in it to call their own, and I would be expected (and tested) to notice the subtle differences between things that were essentially the same.  Subtle is a killer, and deprived me of many a perfect mark.

I’m starting to notice that relationships are an evolutionary process; you can’t follow the practices of the past when you move into a new one, and it’s essential that you adapt or it dies.  It’s not even your life that you’re gambling with, but the ability of your relationship to flourish and be healthy.

Dex and I aren’t perfect, I’ll openly admit that.  We have our issues, and when they flare up they are a huge sore spot for me.  I’m not sure if it’s because we have so few issues that when they pop up it hurts more, or just that the few we have carry a substantial weight.  But whatever the case may be, on the rare occasion that I get upset, oh man is it bad.

The major issue I have with our relationship is that I sometimes feel like I’m not important to him, or just that I’m a low priority on the scale that is his life.  And when I get into these lulls, I realize I become completely unbearable.  I’m cranky, easily irritable, and more prone to burst into random fits of tears.  They don’t happen often, but when they do it’s usually because of a build-up of these feelings.   I try not to bottle-and-purge these days, but I’m also recognizing I can’t be whining to him every time I feel insignificant.  So I choose my battles.

To me, as a relationship progresses you should be spending more time with each other.  One of the signs I should have recognized in my last relationship was the fact that we only saw each other once a week for four years and I was happy.  I never felt this desire or need to see him more often, yet alone every day.  In fact, that idea probably made me more squeamish than joyful.  And I’m not sure if I evolved after that relationship, or if Dex himself is the difference between the two scenarios, but I recognize that now I want the opposite.  I want more time with him, and I frequently indulge (i.e., within the next year) the idea of living with him.  Ignoring the fact that I haven’t lived with someone in over 10 years and I’d probably be unbearable.  But I am engrossed in the idea of going to bed with him each night, having him wake me up in the morning, shared dinners and hobbies.  I don’t carry this belief that we’d spend every moment together (that’d be a bit much, really) but I acknowledge that I want the daily grind with him someday.

Which is part of the reason that yesterday’s blowout was particularly violent (I use this word inappropriately, yet it still is the best fit).  Dex and I text sporatically while at work, and yesterday he decided via text to drop the bomb on me that he was considering asking his brother and stepfather to move in with him.  They are in a tough place and need some help, and he wants to be able to do that for them.  And I’ll start off by saying it wasn’t the idea that felt like a slap in the face initially, but more so the tone of it, being that he already made the decision and yet again he left me out of the process.

Here’s my line of thought:  when you enter a relationship, you should as a courtesy involve your partner in any major decisions.  This rule is doubly important if it is a decision that impacts the way your relationship will play out, or your partner.  Dex frequently has ‘knee-jerk’ reactions to things, and because of this I get left out of making decisions that impact us.  A few months ago it was that he was going to have his mom move in for about six months; and now it’s the brother/step-father situation.  He gets into his mind that he’s going to do it before he even talks about it with me, without recognizing that having someone there 24/7  means our time together will be significantly compromised.   Not slightly, but significantly.  I’ve seen how he changes when his mother visits, being that I don’t hear from him as much, we barely see each other at all, and we have no time/opportunity for intimacy.  Whenever she visits I get into a depression because he becomes emotionally withdrawn (whether intentional or subconscious) and physically inaccessible.  I can’t get a hug to make me feel better unless we’re sitting in my car, and I can’t afford constantly going out on dates and expect to keep paying off my consumer debt.  It feels like a helpless situation in which I can’t get ahead and for which there is no easy solution.  And honestly I have no issue with enduring this for a week or two here and there, but the idea of months on end of these feelings?  I don’t know if I can psychologically handle it.

Yesterday while going back and forth about this discussion via text I found two things happening simultaneously:  (1) an emotional breakdown (aka I was crying), and (2) emotional desensitization.  When there was a lull between messages I just sat there like a zombie and felt nothing, but when I’d get a message or type out another I’d start crying again.  This is something new for me since it’s usually or the other that happens, and I know that i was consciously fighting the desensitization because I recognize it’s a bad thing for me.  Though my ability to backburner my emotions and push them to the back of my mind has been a great tool in the past, I know it’s not a healthy thing.  It’s not often that I get emotionally overwhelmed, so I try to deal with it rather than just push it off and brood in resentment later down the line.  So I spent most of my day at work accomplishing little other than plowing through a box of kleenex and likely scaring the people in the cubes around me.

The failure with text messaging is that context gets lost in the messages.  While I was strategically trying to send replies that expressed my feelings and concerns to Dex in a non-confrontational manner, his back still got up and his defenses were at red alert.  At one point he sent a reply that said “I stand by my decision”, and what the hell can you say to that?  So I simply said okay and tried to focus on my work again.

When I got home from work I felt exhausted so I went to bed, only to have Dex call me (a first in our relationship) and tell me how he had this grandiose plan of trying to bike out to see me, but while trying to pump up his tire it exploded.  I know it was the situation that spawned this idea, because he has never indulged something so insane (it’s about 45 kms each way) before.  He sounded very down, and in the end said he was doing it because he just wanted to see me.  My guilt complex kicked in hard, so I told him to let me throw some clothes on and I’d drive up there.  I met him at his place and we went to a restaurant for dinner, but realizing there was a long wait we ended up just sitting in the car and talking.

I wish we had the talk in a public place so I’d have been less prone to crying (again), but I was literally trapped.  I tried to explain to him my feelings, about how I don’t feel like a priority with him and why it hurt that I seemed like an afterthought in his decision making process.  He sat there and defended his actions, saying we did talk about it and he’s changed his mind, as if he felt that made everything better.  I had to point out that he was failing to recognize that his knee-jerk reactions were the problem, because he impulsively makes these decisions and thinks about the consequences later.  I felt like a bitch as I explained to him that he’s not 21 and he’s not single any more, and he has to understand that his decisions don’t just affect him any more.  It’s a two way street and the same rules apply for me, he just seems to be taking this realization harder than I am.

The end result is that I voiced the concerns I had and told him I’d support him whatever his decision would be.  I did point out that if he does decide to move them in that he has to recognize it’s going to put strain on our relationship.  I emphasized to him that I don’t think it would end things, but that it’s going to make life a lot harder.  I also made sure to be clear that if he does this it needs to be short term and with a fixed expiry, or else I can’t guarantee anything.

I know I sound like a complete and heartless bitch in this, so let me conclude with this:  I never opposed the idea of him helping his family out.  That was never my problem with this situation.  My problem was that he was going to impulsively make this offer to them without weighing out the consequences, on us and on himself.  There’s a history with his family (that I won’t get into), but one of my major concerns with him was that they’d end up possibly taking advantage of the situation.  Like I told him “what if in three months they still don’t have a place, or they’ve lost their jobs.  Are you going to be able to kick them out, or will it become six months?  A year?  If you’re going to do this you need to set ground rules up front or it might not work out like you’ve planned”.  I know he didn’t want to hear it; he just wanted to follow his heart and do what felt like the right thing at the time.  But all I truly wanted was just for him to let me sit there and voice my concerns before he actually did anything.  I wanted to make sure he was aware of the possible pitfalls of his decision, and make sure he understood that things with us would likely change.  I wasn’t trying to make it become a “them or me” situation, but I just wanted him walking into the decision being aware that I’ll likely be a bit moodier and possibly withdrawn from the lack of contact we’ll have.  I told him, repeatedly, that I admired him for being willing to do this for his family, and that I’d support him no matter what his decision would be.  I don’t know if that helped or made things worse for him, but I guess time will tell what he decides.

The problem is that when relationships happen and emotions get involved, nothing is clean-cut and easy anymore.  The idea of losing him upsets me beyond words, and even sitting here now I’m pretty down on the idea that I’m potentially losing my boyfriend until 2012.  But relationships are fundamentally about compromise, and if this is what he wants to do then I’ll stand beside him.  Just likely not at his house, since we won’t have any privacy.

Sigh.  I miss sex already.

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Ionic Pairing

04Mar11

I’ve realized I’m long overdue for an update.  It hasn’t been due to lack of time or lack of content, more of just a lack of drive to actually sit down and blog.  I get into weird phases where I just can’t be bothered to upkeep my blog, which probably ends up working against me in the long run.

So things with Dex … well they’re good.  We had a bit of a hiccup last month that was the result of a miscommunication.  We went out for sushi one night, and while having random conversations the topic came up about our status.  He said “well yeah I’m dating you exclusively, for now”, which I took to be a slap in the face of sorts.  It left me in a sour mood, which didn’t help the fact that some raw fish upset my stomach, so when we got back to his place that night I pretty much opted to go home immediately.  He could tell something was wrong, and after enough poking I told him that I understand some people are looking for a filler body, but if that’s the case then I don’t think it’s really going to work out for us.   He seemed surprised, and replied by asking if I even knew how he felt.
Which I didn’t, obviously.  So he told me how he was very into me, and he was looking for a long-term thing with me.  That the remark at the restaurant was just intended as a joke, and he doesn’t want to see anyone but me.

I wish I could say that made everything better, but it didn’t.  I still felt sore and decided to go home and lick my wounds, along with deal with my stomach woes.  I ended up getting home at 8:30pm and going directly to bed, sleeping through until work the next day.

After work, I decided him and I should probably have a talk.  Or better put, ‘the talk’.    Which resolved some things, and essentially cemented things as us being in a relationship.  It was a hard pill for me to swallow, as much as I like him.  And I do like him tremendously.  Kind of scary.

But I have noticed one significant change in his attitude since it’s been made official – he seems happier.  Anytime he sees me he lights up, encourages me to come over more often, and just seems .. happy.  Always smiling and laughing.  It’s like in a sense this whole catastrophe actually worked to soothe both our nerves, as odd as that may sound.

Last weekend he invited me to a social outing where I  met his friends, which I recognize as being a big thing for him.   He also seems to really enjoy cooking dinner for me, which I find to be a nice change when compared to most of my exes who figured “well potatoes and peas work for you, right?”.  I’m starting to see the perks of dating someone who is also a vegetarian.

Also last weekend, I brought my PS3 over to his place.  Saturday afternoon saw me playing some games with him, and then Sunday I played online with some of my buddies.  At one point during a multiplayer match he came downstairs and asked if I wanted a coffee, and I distractedly mumbled an ‘umm sure’.  Only 15 minutes later did I hear the door downstairs close and see him walk over, putting a coffee next to me along with a bag of chocolate chip cookies.  He kissed my forehead and told me to have fun, then went back to playing WoW on his computer upstairs.  The guys heard everything over my headset and asked “hey, did your boyfriend just go out and buy you a coffee?”.  I was like “yeah!  And he brought me back cookies too!”.  The guys loved it, talking about how spoiled I am and how their wives would never do something like that for them.  And you know what?  I am spoiled.  He’s a great guy who appreciates my little quirks, like how intense I get while gaming and how I can ramble like crazy over the stupidest topics.   And he lets me walk around in heels on his hardwood floors.  Spoiled princess indeed.

 


Cohabitation

06Feb11

It’s been a bit since my last blog, and I suppose a few things have happened since then that might be considered noteworthy.

First off, Dex and I had a conversation last weekend that helped to soothe the soul a bit.  While lying in bed one day, I started the dialogue by saying “What I’m about to ask  is probably going to be a stupid question but …. are we dating exclusively?”.  I felt his entire body tense up against me for a moment before he replied “Well I’ve been dating you exclusively” before a moment’s pause, followed by “why, haven’t you been dating me exclusively?”.   I told him that yes I was, but I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page was all.  Which is how I should have left the conversation .. but of course I didn’t.

“But I’m not trying to say we’re in a relationship or anything, or that you have to be my boyfriend or something.  We’re cool with just the whole dating thing.  You know?”.

He sighed, and I’m pretty sure I felt head shaking going on.

I try, and I mean that I honestly do try.  I just feel like someone with special needs when it comes to relationships and talking about how I feel.  It probably doesn’t help matters that Dex is not one to ooze how he feels either, but being the more emotionally inept of the duo has left the two of us in many an awkward moment.  I feel horrible for it afterwards, but the damage has already been done.

I asked Dex out on a date the previous weekend to do a dinner-and-a-movie outing.  Having that sinking suspicion that once again I was making all the arrangments, I vowed that I wouldn’t take the initiative to make any dates.  In this act I assumed it meant that he’d be asking me on Thursday what my plans were for Friday, but he actually asked me on Tuesday if we could get together on Friday night for a date.  The plan was drinks and videogames at his place, with him making some of his infamous homemade pizza.  We got a few drinks in, and I’ll admit that his pizza is amazing.  Never got around to the gaming though.  But of all the memories of that night that I have, the one that sticks out the most isn’t related to the sex, but rather just after I got there.  I was leaning against the counter as he was chopping vegetables for the pizzas, telling him about my week at work.  Work has been very stressful and busy lately, and I’ve been finding myself run down and burnt out most days.  Combining that with going to the gym most days after work I find myself exhausted more days than not.  I took a swig of my beer, and as I put it back down on the counter I found him placing his hands on my hips and kissing me.  It was a soft kiss that lingered, and my pulse raced for every  moment that it remained unbroken.  When he pulled back I asked him what that was for, and he simply shrugged and said “I’m just happy to see you”.  He kissed my forehead and smiled, then went back to the food prep.

I predict that down the road, this will be the moment that I’ll claim as when my heart opened to him.

I’m not saying that I love him, because I don’t think I’m there yet.  There are moments when I feel rushes, or when curled up against him I have this feeling of completeness.  There are times that I feel I could not live without him.  But I wouldn’t go so far as to say I love him – yet.  But in that moment I realized that whether I want it to happen or not, it’s inevitably coming.

I’ve noticed myself evolving, and not because I feel like I need to change who I am because he wants it.  I find myself changing who I am  because I want it.  Where I used to be not very fond of cuddling, I’m getting to the point that after a long hard day at work the thing I crave most is to curl up against him and just be held.  Where historically I’d be firmly against PDAs, the few times it’s happened haven’t been as felt as horrible as they did in the past.    Instead of getting upset over something and jumping down his throat about it, I mull it over and let myself calm down before bringing it up.  I don’t let myself indulge in the idea that he’s perfect, and instead recognize that (like me) he has faults too.  I kiss him – a lot, and text sporatically just to let him know I’m thinking about him.

I think the biggest step for me was Saturday – when I left his house shortly after lunch to head to the city to spend time with C before going to a girls’ night.  He was going out to a guys’ night, but he still texted me throughout the night.  When I was about to head home, I bounced the idea of my coming back that night to spend some more time with him.  We agreed he’d leave the door unlocked and I’d just come up to bed when I got in.

But when I did get there I found him sitting in his room playing WoW with the dog sitting next to him.  After petting the dog I slid next to him, resting my head against his chest as he hugged me.  We just sat like that, not really saying anything, but just enjoying the company.  I told him I was glad I came back, and he said he was glad too.

Sunday was spent getting quality time in, but him doing some stuff on his own while I curled up and napped on the couch or played with the dog.  He baked banana bread and we did some grocery shopping.  I guess this is kind of what life would be like if things worked out down the line and we lived together.  So far I like what I’ve seen.

One afternoon while curled up and watching tv, I had a sudden realization.  “Hey, we’ve been going on dates for about three months now, and we’ve been talking to each other for about five months”, I said to him.  He thought on it, and agreed my  math was right.  I was boggled by how fast time has passed, and yet it feels like no time has passed.  It reminded me of my favorite Einstein quote, which I shared with him:

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”

That earned me a squeeze, and a kiss on the head.


Ag Lining

24Jan11

One thing that has become abundantly clear with my increased dating and it’s correlated increased sexual activity – I am severely out of shape in terms of endurance, stamina, resistance, and flexibility.

I joined a gym that’s around the corner from my place, and also started attending weekly yoga classes that are headed by a friend of mine.  After a few weeks of mixed classes at the gym combined with the yoga, I’m already noticing increased endurance and flexibility.

Around my fat, that is.  My limiting factor wouldn’t be my joints, but more so the padding that encases them.

Sunday night I had what I’ll perceive to be the apex of my self-esteem crisis; working out and watching what I eat for the past few weeks has yielded next to no results.   I notice I’m gaining muscle and strength, but I’m not losing fat and therefore, not losing weight.  Between the gym and all the sex being had on the weekend, I just feel like I should be seeing some results.

Thus, self-esteem crisis.

In the past I’ve chosen to end things, or even not get involved at all, with guys based on their physical shape.  Not necessarily the shape themselves (i.e. how fat they are), but more so what they can do with their body.  I like to hike, swim, walk – essentially do physical things.  I had put weight back on slowing down my lifestyle for my last partner, so I resolved I wouldn’t do that again.  So yeah, maybe I was a bitch for discriminating against a guy if he was out of shape and wasn’t willing to start getting more active.  It was a dealbreaker for me.

So I find it ironic that the shoe is potentially on the other foot.  Dex is in ridiculous shape and highly active, and has an endurance I have never seen in my life.  I’ll admit it’s intimidating, and has me worried at times that down the line he might realize I’m not quite as dedicated to the whole ‘my body is a temple’ lifestyle.   Karma’s a bitch like that.

Then again I did a slight bit of facebook stalking today, and lo!  Photos have demonstrated that his ex girlfriend was chubby also.  So I am not too fat for him, and he probably does genuinely like my shape.  It reassured me for a moment, before my brain pondered the idea that he might be a chubby chaser.

So I ate some Toblerone bar, just to be safe.

“Experience tells you what to do; confidence allows you to do it.” – Stan Smith


Catch 52

17Jan11

Well, it’s been an eventful few weeks.

Last weekend I had my date on Friday with Dex, which I actually blogged about earlier.  What I failed to blog about was what happened on the Sunday.  Here’s the skinny – I had something I’ve been meaning to tell Dex for awhile but I just could never find the right timing to reveal.  A secret of sorts, though not exactly.  More like an aspect of my personality to which he might not have been aware, but that I felt he needed to hear.

Last Sunday I messaged to see if he wanted to go for breakfast, figuring I’d throw it out there during the meal.  But we sat there chatting, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him.  We went and did some errands, and then when dropping him off I asked to use the washroom.  After he took the dog for a quick walk, we sat down on the couch.  I was fine until he pulled me over for a hug, then gave me a kiss.  Then I started to waiver again, wondering if I was doing the right thing.  I knew I had to tell him, but at the same time I realized while sitting there that I didn’t want to lose him.  I was attached, perhaps too attached for my own good.

It was upsetting, but in the end I told him.  He stroked my back and listened, not saying anything as I let it all out.   When it was all done we sat in silence, with me staring at my fingers and picking at my nails.    After about the five minute mark his hand went under my chin, lifting my head so that he could kiss me.  In that kiss was .. well, it was overwhelming.  Where I will admit that most of our kisses to that point were good, they didn’t cause any tingles in my stomach or electricity across my skin.  When his lip touched mine in that moment, it felt hungry and possessive.  It was full of passion, and my entire body felt on fire.  The sex that came afterwards was different from any that we had prior to that day, and I realized my revelation had truly changed the path of things in our relationship.

I spent the entire week convinced he was going to break up with me.  Luckily it was a busy week at work, and I spent a lot of time at the gym, so really it was only about 4 hours a day I spent curled up on the couch obsessed with these thoughts.

When Saturday morning rolled around, I laid in bed for about 45 minutes trying to will myself back to sleep.  Took an excessively long shower.  Moisturized every inch of my body.  Checked all email, websites, twitter feeds, etc.  Took my time getting ready.  Pondered the weather.  Brushed the snow off my car with slowest pace available to man.  Essentially, dragged my heels at every available moment.

I knocked on the door and he answered, giving me a kiss.  His lips felt different to me.  As I made breakfast we made idle chitchat, and when he kissed me it felt like it had in the prior weeks.  Nice, but not the same reaction as the week before.   We spent the afternoon curled up on the couch, reacquainting ourselves in a sort of manner.  I remembered how well his body fits in with mine, and how soft his lips are when the kiss my forehead.   Those things accelerated my pulse and made me feel like nothing had changed.

We went for a walk to get some coffee, then later went to get some indian food for dinner.   The weather took a turn for the worst, so I asked if I could stay at his place for the night.  He said he wouldn’t have it any other way, we curled up on the couch and watched some movies while a blizzard raged outside.   We eventually went to bed, where I fell asleep curled up with him at my back, and his dog nestled up against the front of my legs.

When we woke up in the morning we laid in bed, cuddling and just talking.  He dragged me out of bed and made me breakfast, rushing over to pull out my chair at the table before I sat down.  Being always the gentleman.  We then curled up on the couch and spent the afternoon watching tv, just chatting.  Of all the things we did this weekend:  him cooking me food, going out for a wonderful dinner, watching movies, or the sex .. I think the conversations we had were my favorite parts.  He’s an amazingly smart guy who’s brain never ceases to amaze (and arouse)  me.   Time with him seems to always go so fast, even though we spend a large chunk together. Which is why I made a weeknight date with him, to make getting to the weekends a little more bearable.

I am smitten.  I worry that he is too good for me, and one day he is going to realize this.  Or I used to worry about this, but now I think I’m going to focus on how good he is with me and let things play out as they will.

(Possibly a reused quote below, but completely applicable in this case)

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity” – Albert Einstein


Date number 7  … or is it date number 8?  I can’t count any more, but whatever the case may be it was yet another date with Dex.  After texting with him a few days this past week I got the subtle hints that he was putting out there that he wouldn’t mind seeing me.  He’s not the type to outright say things, and I’ve actually gotten a little better at reading between the lines.  But Wednesday I was exhausted from work, and Thursday from the gym.  So I  messaged him that night and asked if he would have free time this weekend.  He said he should, and wanted to know why.  So I told him ‘I figured I’d ask you on a date?’.

This pleased him.  So we made a sushi date for Friday.  We met up and had our fill of delicious food (I am still boggled by how much he ate, since it was at least double the amount I ate) and headed home, curling up on the couch and snuggling while watching some tv.  We both acknowledged we were pretty tired, so it wasn’t surprising to find him kissing my forehead and telling me to wake up and come to bed … at 10pm.  I made a joke about us being like an ‘old married couple’, which he didn’t get right away and seemed to cause a sense of panic.  I explained to him the premise  … Friday night, going to bed at 10pm, like old married people do.   Once he understood he didn’t seem quite so concerned, so I told him I was going to head home since I swore I wasn’t going to spend the night.  He asked why, and I explained how I spent so much time the last weekend with him that I thought it’d be better for me to go home.  He laughed, gave me a kiss and told me I was cute.   As I said again I should go home, he told me that he missed me, and he missed sleeping with me, so if he has the opportunity to do so he’s going to take it.

And thus I ended up getting dragged up to bed with him.

We had sex, and slept.

Woke up in the morning and had a stellar breakfast consisting of coffee with kahlua, and homemade banana bread with nutella.  We then spent some more time cuddling on the couch before having some more sex.  And then I went home.

So here’s the thing: the sex is amazing.  Absolutely.  Amazing.  And I don’t exaggerate or lie in the least when I say it’s some of the best I’ve had in my life.  While I can say that I’ve had multiple orgasms before, I can’t say that I have consistently had multiple orgasms with any partner I’ve had.  Not only does the boy have a memory made of superglue, but he also can read my reactions like a book and always remembers exactly how to recreate those sensations to get the reaction he wants.

Sometimes I wish I could say the same, being that I know that he enjoys my touch and my enthusiasm.  But I just can’t seem to get the same kind of reaction out of him that he so easily pulls out of me.  I understand that not all men are built alike, and while the slightest graze on the cock of one guy might set him off it could take hours of stroking to get a different one off.  He is definitely more of the latter, being that I usually leave his place sore.  Sore in the inner thighs, and sore in the arms.  It’s almost better than hitting the gym.  Or at least, it’s a more fun type of workout to experience.  But I just feel like it’s an unbalanced kind of exchange, and I told him as much.  His response was merely to nuzzle the back of my neck, kiss it softly, and pull me closer while rubbing himself against my back.

So hot.

I’ve come to the point of establishing that I like him, and he likes me.  We have great chemistry in the bedroom, and manage to function fine outside as well.  My usual hesitance at cuddling and lots of physical contact aren’t present with him, to the point that I actually miss the contact when he’s not around.  Sometimes I feel like I could spend time with him every day and be happy, but other times I like having some distance because it makes the time together much more exciting.  But I’m not sure if what we have is enough for the long run.  I’m trying to not obsess over this and just live in the moment, for which I’m generally successful.  But occasionally this worry creeps up since I’ve started to care for him.  I managed to get some talk time in with my sister tonight (a rare event with the arrival of the baby), and I mentioned this in conversation.  She provided me with the gem of insight in being that as time goes on, as you grow closer to a person, those periods of silence that at one point felt awkward actually start to become comfortable.  You realize you don’t have to be in constant communication in order to feel connected to someone.  Sometimes you’ll feel closest to them when you’re just there, and saying nothing.

When did my sister get so wise?  Probably when she had a baby.

Either way, it’s about 5 hours later and I’ll admit I miss the guy a bit.  And I’ll admit that’s normal, and to be expected, and I like that.

“You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.” – Indira Gandhi


Metrology

03Jan11

In life we strive to try and maintain a certain degree of balance in most aspects:  work and play, love and hate, yin and yang .. however you choose to label it, we generally don’t want an excess of one and a lack of the other.  We go through periods where one aspect might outweigh the other, but at some point everything tends to shift back to a relative norm with a near equal distribution.

Sometimes I’m not entirely sure if I am naive, or I genuinely have become an optimist and try to hope for the best in people.  On Friday I felt horrible and skeptical about Dex, and whenever these moments happen, where I seem to harbour some form of doubt, he manages to pop up and erradicate them.  He messaged me shortly after new years and we spent a few hours talking via text.  The end result is that he wanted me to show up earlier for our date on Saturday so we could spend some time together before going to the movie.

See here’s the thing that’s funny about the entire situation:  I just wanted to spend time with him, curled up on the couch watching tv, have some sex, maybe order in a pizza .. just doing laid back things to get reaccustomed to one another.  But he has this idea in his head that we have to do ‘date things’, and not just spend the entire time in bed for it to count as a date.   Whether it’s going out for food, or to a movie, or to do other ‘date-like’ activities, the outting is required in order for the meeting to be considered a ‘date’.  So far, we’ve been on six dates.

So I met him at his place, and we spent some time together.  Went to go get movie tickets, grabbed some dinner.  Then spent some more time at his place, saw the movie, came home and spent some more time together.  My plan consisted of my spending the night and leaving in the afternoon the next day.  However what ended up happening was that we napped, we talked, we played video games, watched some movies … I kept staying later and later, until next thing I know I’m curled up asleep against him on the couch and he kisses my forehead, telling me to come up to bed.  I remember apologizing because I was too tired to drive, and he said it was okay because he likes it when I spend the night.

When we woke up this morning we spent some more time together, then I told him I was going to head home as our date had exceeded a 48 hour timeline at that point.

I used to spend entire weekends with my ex, but that was due to the distance issue; a 2.5 hr drive does not lend well to swinging by for a quick dinner before heading home.  But with Dex this situation is different, being that he lives a 25 minute drive from my house, so technically I have no reason to not go home after each and every date.  And each time I spend the night there it feels weird to me, like I should go home because it’s not an issue for me to make it back easily.  Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy spending the night with him, and it is nice to waking up to someone wrapping their arms around you and kissing the back of your neck.  Sometimes I just feel as if it’s excessive, like it’s breaking some cardinal rule of the dating universe.  But it feels so nice at the same time.

In the last 48 hours many things happened that, though are potentially worthy of complete blog posts, I just don’t really feel like committing them to eternity on the internet.  They’re private moments, and private information.  And though Dex may pride himself on remembering everything I say in case it may useful against me later, I’ll just have to rely on my shotty memory to be able to do likewise.  Noteworthy however are that we had some pretty interesting conversation about our pasts, that he’s taken initiative to meet some my less conventional interests, we’re about equally skilled at FPS games, and he said that he missed me.

Granted, he might have been in me when he said that, but it still counts in my opinion.

“Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment, full effort is full victory.” – Gandhi