Absolute Zero

25Mar10

So I did it.

I unlocked the truth.

I saw the opportunity.

I seized the moment.  The day.  Whatever.

Carpe diem baby.

The very night of the day that I blogged about being indifferent to Chaos’ life is the day that he walks into my department and flops down in a chair near my desk.  I spun around  to face him, ready for a battle of wit and sarcasm that was surely to come.

But that didn’t happen.  Instead what did happen was an opening to ask the questions that have been plaguing the minds of my friends.  I kicked the heel of my boot against the leg of my chair, arms crossed under my chest while listening to him whine about work, and when he paused I remarked “well that’s a short term problem, since you’re quitting and moving to Thailand in the summer, right?”.  He rolled his head back and ran his hands over his face, mumbling something.

“Excuse me?”, I asked.

“Rumours and speculation”, he restated while giving me a look, “it’s just people talking, you shouldn’t believe the gossip mill”

“I heard it from three people.”

“And was one of them asian?  You can’t believe what that one says”, he states.

“Well yes she was one, but two of them were very caucasian.  And I believe her.”

And so it went, back and forth, him skirting around the issue that he told these people this story and me trying to call him on it.  He detoured the conversation to another subject, talking about a girl he could have had sex with on the weekend and how he turned her down.

“Well I can’t imagine your wife would have been impressed with that.  Since, you know, you’re married and all”, I said.

“Nah, she wouldn’t have minded.  She’s cool with that.”

“Oh?  So you have one of those ‘open relationship’ kind of things?”

“Yup,” he replied.

“Mmmhmm”, I skeptically retorted.

I just … don’t know.  On some level I can respect the fact that he didn’t lie to me, but on another level I just can’t get past the fact that he lies to everyone else.  What is this need?  Why bother?  If people don’t like you, too bad.  I can understand variations in personality around certain people, but I can’t understand telling stories to make yourself a totally different person.  The truth has a funny way of eventually making it’s way out, and you just end up looking like an ass for it.

I filled C in on the story the other day, and told the two biggest supporters of the Chaos indulgence what it yielded.  I’ve fulfilled my duty; answering the questions my friends wanted answers to, even if I didn’t care.  And now, by putting it in the blog, the answers are cemented in the blogosphere for all of eternity.  Random strangers can end up here and read about the stories he spun and the drama he created.  They can read about the highs and the lows, and how he dragged me through them time and time again.  And maybe they might learn from my mistake — you shouldn’t let yourself roam free and without boundaries.  And if you do choose to do so, at least make sure it is someone who appreciates your attention.  Liars and cheats may be of different classes, but they’re also not-so distant cousins of one another.   And when it comes down to it, you really never will change a man.

I’ll conclude this with something a friend said to me recently:

“Though you might not want it right now, though you may not believe it right now, you are worthy of love.   You don’t think you will ever find someone you want to be with, but I think you will.  You’ll find a man who measures the worth of your being and sees the value there.  You didn’t marry D?  That’s probably because it didn’t feel right, even if you thought it was.  Your heart knows these things, your gut knows these things, even if your brain is oblivious.   But one day you’ll meet someone that makes your heart, your guts, and your brain all agree that he’s right for you.  You’ll just know, and then you’ll get married.  -I- know you’ll get married and be in love.  And I predict this  within the next two years.  Oh you’ll get married, trust me.”

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