First off let me make the following statement:  this is not self-sabotage.

Let me follow that statement with this revision:  this is not conscious self-sabotage.

I had a few dreams this week that started to pick at the mortar between the bricks of my trust in Dex.  He hasn’t done anything to instigate this, and I find it odd since I normally trust a guy until he gives me reason not to do so.  The nagging of my subconscious is really getting on my nerves.

I opted to spend new years on my own this year – not for lack of options, but I just didn’t feel like being social this year.  So I decided to stay at home, play some games and watch some movies while chowing down on pizza in my pjs.  I didn’t even throw the option of spending it with him out there because, in my mind, new years is equivalent to V-day – you just don’t go there, because it has significance.  And I don’t want significance right now.

After spending the better part of an hour working on a technological glitch that I am incapable of solving, I decided to just give up and logged into facebook.  And there sat pictures of Dex that a friend tagged in an album, except it wasn’t him just hanging with the boys.  It was him sitting in a recliner with a girl sitting on the top, straddling his head.

Gut instinct?  Knots.

Reaction?  Shut down the computer and went to take a nice, long shower.

I know I could have gotten angry, sent a bitchy message cancelling our date, freaked out because this was the girl who was supposedly just a ‘friend’ that had her crotch less than a foot from the top of his head.  And my initial desire was to do exactly this – to freak out over it, cry and rage and feel hurt and betrayed.

But five minutes in the shower cleared my head, and in that I managed to let the steam clear my mind and see the reality of the situation:

(1) in the photos he didn’t really seem into what was going on, kind of like he was sitting there as a mere object, not a participant

(2) friends can do dorky things like that – in example: hipchecking a coworker twice in the crotch (accident both times, he won’t dance with me any more)

(3) even if she was into him, doesn’t mean he’s necessarily into her

and most importantly:

(4) we’re not in a relationship, so he technically can fool around with other people

(5) I ended up grinding against a guy and later kissing him just a few weeks ago at C’s office party.

Hypocritical, moi?  Definitely.

And so, while I can’t say it doesn’t still bother me a bit, I’m not upset about it.  Not enough to bring it up and talk to him about it.  What will be will be, and if something is going on with them then it’ll come out sooner or later.  There’s no sense in getting all drama over something that I can’t control.

On the downside (yeah, there has to be one) .. it’s made me rethink the whole oral sex thing.  While I respect the right for him to do what he wants with whomever he wants, I’m not sure I want to be exposing myself to multiple partners should he decide to go that route.  Granted any time I kiss him I’m technically doing that now, meh.  Trying to not over-analyze things, but at the same time it’s futile to go through the motions of something that’s just going to make me uncomfortable.  We’ll see.

Date night tomorrow, squee (or something).

“An ounce of hypocracy is worth a pound of ambition.” – Michael Korda

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/end

29Dec10

Not sure if it’s worth really blogging about, but as it my putting the final nail in the casket of what once was Chaos

I deleted him from my friends list last night, thus officially terminating any possible communication between us in the future.

Ignoring the fact that he has my cell number.

And my email address.

And knows where I live.

Okay, so -I- can’t communicate with him.  That’s the important part of all of this.  And in this I feel very … zen.

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” – Lao Tzu


Reducing Sugars

27Dec10

Alright, so I’m overdue for an update on the Dex situation I imagine, or even just my dating life in general.  The last post was rather emo-filled and fuelled by feelings of being sick, alone, and feeling vulnerable.

I wish I could say things have changed.  Granted I’m not sick, nor alone.  Feeling rather vulnerable.

The day after emopalooza hit, I felt better and prompted Dex to go for breakfast.  Which we did, and then resulted in my spending the day at his house in somewhat compromising positions.  I went home that night, but it was an impulse thing, and despite the fact that he was hung over he was up for meeting up.  The problem?  I ramble so much when I’m around him.  I get nervous when it’s quiet, and I just blurt stuff out that my brain knows I shouldn’t be saying.  Not proclamations of never-ending love or anything silly, but I just talk about things that I know are stupid ideas when you’re still in the early stages of dating.

Like, while curled up naked in bed and he asks when he’ll see me again, when I joke that the only way he can see me before the holidays is for him to come to my friend’s party.  And then he agrees.  And then inside my head, all I hear is ‘ohhhh shit’, because I actually didn’t think he’d agree.  Who would?!  After four dates, really?

I gave him ample opportunities to bail, and he never did.  In fact, he met up with me at the right time and was my date to Darwin’s xmas party.  To say I was nervous is an understatement, because Darwin has never met any guy I’ve dated (except for my one ex, who has been his friend since childhood).   And Darwin is the type of guy that I view as being like a big brother, so his opinion matters to me.  The entire time I sat there worrying something would go wrong, and yet .. nothing.  We go home that night, and the next day when we roll out of bed I check my phone to find a message from Darwin saying ‘we like him :)’.  A later conversation with Darwin lead to him elaborating that Dex looks like a bad boy, but you can tell he’s a sensitive and nice guy.  And the icing on the cake?  Darwin saying “you’re a good girl, and you deserve a nice guy that will treat you right.  He treats you right, and is a good guy”.  Aww.

So it sounds like everything is great right?  Well not exactly.

To give the boy props, we’re texting almost every day.   He’s made it painfully aware that he’s excited to see me again (nailed down Saturday, avoiding the notion of spending new year’s together thankfully), and I’m pretty sure we’ll be making up for lost time.  But I just feel like something is amiss.  It’s not me looking for trouble, but I’m just not sure really what’s giving me this feeling of doubt.

I’ve broken my oral sex rule for him.  Before anyone gives me grief about this, let me explain – my issue with oral sex has always stemmed back to the fact that you can’t really use protection for oral sex.  You can, but it’s rather useless.  Therefore, I don’t engage in it outside of relationships.   That being said, I have really wanted to go that route with him, so we had a talk.  I brought up the topic of sex, and whether either of us were sleeping with other people.  He said he wasn’t, and I said neither was I (truth).   As we both tested clean, I said maybe we could go that route then, so long as we communicated if one of us started sleeping with another person.  He remarked he wasn’t going to anytime soon, which surprised me because I wasn’t expecting that.  I just restated that ‘if’ he does, to please let me know.  According to C, this sounded like a test, so that’s why he probably answered that way.  Which sucks because it wasn’t a test really, just a disclaimer.

So where does that leave us?  With a lot of sexual freedom I suppose, and definitely more than I’ve allowed any man in the past few years.  He seems like a good guy, so I’ve broken my rules, but in flexing on my guidelines am I setting myself up for trouble?  I asked him at one point if he just wanted to be fuck-buddies, since we spend a lot of time in the bedroom.  He said no, he likes the dates and getting to know me, so I let the subject drop.  But I wonder sometimes if that’s the route we’re going, as 75% of the time we spend these days is in the bedroom.  And most of our dates result in sleepovers, so you can do the math.

So in a nutshell, I feel vulnerable in putting myself out there so damn much.  Between rambling and all the sex, I feel like I might be too available.  To give the dude props, he’s out there too, but considering our status of ‘dating’ and not exclusively, it just seems like a lot of giving.

Then again, it took three dates to actually have sex.  That’s pretty slow for me.  No, I’m not a slut, but thanks for asking.

One issue that arose was the fact that I knew he’d be alone for the holidays due to family issues.  Here’s what I find ironic – had it been a friend, I would have invited them to spend the holidays with my family without second thought.  However, as someone I’m casually dating, I can’t extend the same offer without it seeming like something more serious.  Especially after the ‘meeting the friends’ situation.  I guess in that regard it’s been nice that we’ve been talking most days.  He did admit he wants to see me more than once a week; I guess that’s something we’ll have to work out when I get home.

In other news, this random guy wants to go on a date with me.  He’s determined that I’m a unique personality and I intrigue him.  I’m tempted to go out with him just to demonstrate my lack of compatibility.  Combined with the fact that I’m a monogamist even outside of relationships – the downside to things working so well with Dex is that I haven’t even logged into eharmony in weeks.  The point of the extremely cheap paid account is irrelevant since my mind renders me unable to date other people if I like one person.  Gah!

I miss my 24 year old brain, I was so much easier back then.

 


It was a Friday, and I was C’s date to her office xmas party.  It was open bar, and though at first I was resistant to the idea of getting shitfaced, I ended up succumbing to the peer pressure of being surrounded by drunk people.  Combined with barely sleeping, and barely eating, copious amounts of alcohol were possibly a horrible idea.

As the night progressed I got drunker and drunker, and C began disappearing for longer periods of time.  There were two guys that I found particularly interesting to talk to:  R and E.  R was the typical introverted geek guy, to which I was naturally attracted because his social awkwardness mirrors mine.  E .. well that was an interesting one.  He was cute, funny, and very much my type in the rugged badboy way.  When his hand grazed my shoulder the first time, lingering as he moved past me .. I found it odd.  But I was drunk and dismissed it.  Later that night, while knocking around the idea of making out with R, I turned in my chair to find E sitting next to me.

At this point, I became a lost cause.

We decided to do more tequila shots, but they wouldn’t give us any.  So we pretty much drank anything they would give us.  We were downing full drinks (50:50 alcohol to diluent) like they were shots; I lost count of how many we had.  I remember drinking ginger and ryes while grinding against his crotch near the bar.  Next thing I remembered was us on the dance floor, me barely staying standing while he whispered in my ear about wanting to take me back to his place.  I told him repeatedly I came with C, but he insisted she wouldn’t notice I’d be gone.  She’d be happy I went home with him, because “he’s a nice guy, and I’m a hot girl, and we should be having some fun”.  He continued to try and get into my panties while we wobbled, spilling our drinks all over the place and all over ourselves.

At some point, while E tried to convince another girl to make out with some random guy, he said “it’s all cool man, I’ve got a girlfriend, she’s got a boyfriend, and we’re still all good.  It means nothing!”.  And I remember my alcohol-filled brain thinking ‘wait a minute…’ before I blurted out “I don’t have a boyfriend”.  “Sure you do!”, he laughed and hugged me.  “Uh, no I don’t”, I replied.  “Yes you do!”, he insisted.  “No, and I think you’re sketchy, and not as cute now” I told him as I pushed off and wandered to find C.

We collected our coats and went to the after-party party at another bar, where I was so hammered that the idea of another drink made me want to throw up.  So I sat on a barstool, and somehow ended up with both R and E, again.  I distinctly remembering saying something about it being ‘awkward’ and about considering ‘kissing each of them’ at one point, before I clearly reminded E that he has a girlfriend, and he’s shady.  He kept saying “it’s complicated!  She’s barely even in the picture!”.  I kept responding “even complicated, it’s wrong, you’re a bad idea”.  When I fell off my stool a few minutes later and landed on my knees, he was the first person to help me up and kiss them better.

As we got ready to leave, I decided to kiss both charming boys on the cheek.  I kissed E first, a very innocent cheek kiss, but then as I turned away he grabbed my arm and dragged me back.  I ended up crashing into his body, his drink spilling all over both of us as his mouth smashed itself against mine.  It was a drunken and a hungry “I want sex” kiss.  It made me feel dirty and horrible, and I pulled away and told him he was an ass.  He laughed and tried to talk me into going home with him, while rubbing himself against my leg one last time.  I told him no, called him a jerk and told him he didn’t deserve to have a girlfriend.  When I kissed R’s cheek, the poor thing looked petrified.

First and last kiss with E.  On the plus side, I’ve learned that I can still decipher right from wrong even when totally shitfaced.  Slimeball, but he was a pretty damn good kisser.


Nothing Witty

11Dec10

Just feeling rather meh.

Not quite sure what to make of things with Dex – going from talking on a daily basis to not hearing from him for days on end is not really sitting well with me.  In fact, I’m taking it as a downright rejection of sorts.  A very slow moving rejection.

Here’s the thing – I’m tired of initiating the conversation every few days because he doesn’t bother trying to talk to me.  When we do talk it’s great, fun flirty banter.  Totally seems interested.  But when we’re not talking?  It’s just this huge cold wall of whatever.

I don’t expect that he should have to try and keep in touch with me on a daily basis, but I just feel like he should be making some kind of effort to not leave me hanging in the wind.  It’s not endearing, it’s not making me want him more, it’s just making me feel like ass.

So I’m implementing the one week rule – if he hasn’t initiated contact by then, I’m writing him off.  As it is I’m getting the impression he’s not that interested (once again promoting the merit of having sex early in the dating process is stupid), and therefore I’m just going to try and get over this collosal fuckwittage.

Having been sick earlier this week and feeling vulnerable and self-conscious about my appearance, this isn’t exactly doing wonders to help restore my self-esteem to a level of normality.  In fact, I’m so emotionally drained after everything that I want to curl up and cry.  And I don’t cry, like hardly ever.  It’s not because of the boy, just the situation on top of various other things.  I guess I’m reaching the purge portion of my binge session for 2010.

I think the worst part of the entire situation isn’t that I necessarily wanted a relationship with him, because I really don’t know him well enough to consider that an option.  I liked him, don’t get me wrong, but the only thing I really wanted was clarity as to what this was – are we becoming friends, or is he interested in going on more dates, or does he just want to be fuckbuddies, or nothing at all?  His actions in person say one thing, his emails another, and his distance a completely other thing.  And it just frustrates me beyond belief.  Gah.

Also, I subscribed to failmony’s service since they had a ridiculously cheap promo going.  I’ve been communicating with two other guys, but meh.  Don’t really feel into it these days.

/emo-drama


Friday night was date night with Dex, in fact date number three (if anyone was counting).    I got impatient in waiting for him to do it, so I did everything that the horrible book (‘He’s Just Not That Into You’) told me to not do, and asked him out.

He said yes, and so we made plans for a Friday date so that we weren’t going to be stuck having to either (a) head home early, or (b) be sleep deprived the next day at work.   I gave him a few options, and he went for two of them: skeeball and dinner.

We met up at a local place that has a mini-arcade and some old-school midway games, including skeeball.  He picked up the cost of the tokens for both of us, and we started with skeeball.  I’m one of those people who are great at talking the talk, but not always so good at the walking part.  In this aspect, my throwing skills were definitely lacking considering he was able to hit the 10,000 pt slot – twice.   He then dominated me in air hockey – twice.  And beat me at Tekken 5 – about 20 times.  At least we were pretty even in score for the other games we played.  We redeemed our tickets for some prizes; he got candy and I got a plastic bracelet.

Dinner was some thai food, and there just seemed to be a natural comfort there.  He offered some of his appetizer, so I asked if he wanted some of my soup.   We talked over a long dinner and he didn’t have any issues with going dutch .. “it’s just how I am, I don’t like people feeling like they have to pay for me”, I explained to him.  He understood that and didn’t take anything personal from it.

He invited me in to meet his dog and see his place, making sure that I was aware that ‘no strings were attached’.  So I went in and we played with the dog for a bit, he gave me a tour of the house, then we sat around and watched some tv.  One thing that I’ve always liked about him is that he doesn’t feel this need to distance himself from people.  While playing games earlier in the night, his leg would be resting against mine.  Or while playing a shooter game his arm kept brushing against mine.   So when he sat on the couch right next to me, I wasn’t surprised.  What did surprise me is how he spent a long time getting his arm up around me, as if with each step he was testing the water to see my reaction before progressing further.  Once the arm was up and contact was established, it took another hour or two before he finally kissed me.

Then another two hours of making out and fooling around.

Then sex.  I missed having sex.

Despite the fact that I knew I should leave (because most guys would prefer you leave after sex), whenever I made a remark about getting going he’d drag back over to him and kiss my head, saying he preferred me where I was.  Then we’d drift to sleep for a bit.  One of us would wake up, more sex would be had, my saying I should leave and being dragged back over to him, and then sleep.  This happened a few more times before he rolled out of bed to let the dog out.  At which point I pulled on some panties and a shirt to go downstairs to check my phone for messages.  Curled up on the couch, I blinked when I read the time on my phone.

2:32pm.

I had a company xmas party starting at 5, and there I was sitting cross-legged, half-naked, with my hair a matted mess on a boy’s couch.  So when he and the dog returned, as the dog hopped up and proceeded to affectionately try and lick every inch of exposed skin, when he entered the room and asked if I wanted a cup of coffee I figured why not.  I just had a bath after all.  And there we were, for another hour – curled up on the couch with cups of coffee, cuddled up and talking while the dog laid with us.  It was a very domestic feeling, and one that I actually didn’t mind too much.  Then the dog jumped up and wanted to play, so I got dressed while we chased him around and played.

They walked me out to my car, where he kissed me (repeatedly) and promised to talk to me soon.  “I guess I can text you  now, or email you.  Or both”, he said.  “Well that’s kind of why I gave you my number the other day, I was trying to give you that option if you wanted it.” .  He kissed me again, and then off I went.

When I woke up this morning and didn’t have a message, I worried a bit.  When I checked my email and found nothing there either, I had a pit in the bottom of my stomach.  Maybe I shouldn’t have slept with him, maybe that had been a bad idea.  Maybe he was just like all other guys, being that once they get you in bed the fun is gone.  I sighed, and admitted to myself that I am the biggest idiot on the planet.

And then he texted me two hours later, and that feeling disappeared.

So here’s the thing:  while I’m not sitting there an envisioning my entire future with this boy, I can admit that there are various aspects of him that I like.  I like that we share common interests but not all of them, that he has a good sense of humour, that he is also a vegetarian, and that he’s demonstrated himself to be a responsible adult.  I also like how comfortable I am around him; I talk freely and tell him personal stuff, plus I’m not uncomfortable with the physical intimacy as I normally would be.  But there are a few things I worry about.

For one, he leads a very healthy lifestyle; his house is a testament to that.  Workout equipment all over the place, combined with the fact that he bikes or walks everywhere.  His body is a temple he takes care, but not to the point of sheer vanity.  Though I keep vowing to be that way, I’m lazy and therefore I am not like that.  Then there is the travel issue, being that I would be doing all the driving any time we go out.  Which normally wouldn’t bug me, except it’s winter and I loathe driving on snowy roads.  And then there’s the issue of our sexual approach – while I’m the type of girl that likes it aggressive and passionate, he seems to be more into sensuality and emotional.   We’re both the type of person that likes to focus on the pleasure of our partner, which could be good but could also be problematic.

Regardless, it was a great date and I had a blast.  Hopefully it won’t take another three weeks to set up another date though …

“It is not the place, nor the condition, but the mind alone that can make anyone happy or miserable.” – Roger L’Estrange


Skepticism

22Nov10

So I’ve been reading the book, “He’s just not that into you”, and there’s only one thing I’ve been able to gather from the first 4 chapters.  If:

1) He doesn’t call

2) He doesn’t write

3) He doesn’t kiss you goodnight

4) He doesn’t ask you on another date

5) He doesn’t try to have sex with you

All of these mean – he’s just not that into you.

 

So here’s the thing with Dex – he writes me.  Every day, without fail.  Except when he was moving, and even then he went out of his way to send me a little message.  But it’s been two weeks since our last date and there seem to be no effort being made to set up another.  Now it could be because he just moved, and he’s setting up and getting adjusted to the new house.  Or he could just not be into me.  I’m kind of confused by it all.  Here’s my data analysis so far:

a)  he emails you daily – interested

b) he hasn’t asked you on another date – not interested

c) he kissed your cheek last time you went out – interested

d) he hasn’t asked you on another date – not interested

e) he seems particularly interested in how I feel about my new Hitachi – sexual undertone denotes interest (or pervert)

f) he hasn’t asked you on another date – not interested

 

Pretty 50:50 distribution going through my brain these days.

After a discussion with C, she seems to be of the opinion that I should take the initiative and ask him out again.  I think she’s equally perplexed about this situation, or if she knows either way what he’s thinking/saying, she’s not telling me.  Other than I should take initiative and ask him out.  But I’m old-fashioned, in the sense that I like the guy to do it.  And technically I asked him to the movies the last time, so in my mind it’s his turn.

Then again, what have I got to lose?  Worst case he says no, he just sees me as a friend.  Which actually wouldn’t be the worst thing ever, but not exactly the path I’d like for it to follow.

God dating sucks.

(In other news, I spent 4 hours playing Black Ops with Darwin’s friend last night.  The one he keeps wanting to set me up with.  Such a good time.)