The Squared-Standard

31Dec10

First off let me make the following statement:  this is not self-sabotage.

Let me follow that statement with this revision:  this is not conscious self-sabotage.

I had a few dreams this week that started to pick at the mortar between the bricks of my trust in Dex.  He hasn’t done anything to instigate this, and I find it odd since I normally trust a guy until he gives me reason not to do so.  The nagging of my subconscious is really getting on my nerves.

I opted to spend new years on my own this year – not for lack of options, but I just didn’t feel like being social this year.  So I decided to stay at home, play some games and watch some movies while chowing down on pizza in my pjs.  I didn’t even throw the option of spending it with him out there because, in my mind, new years is equivalent to V-day – you just don’t go there, because it has significance.  And I don’t want significance right now.

After spending the better part of an hour working on a technological glitch that I am incapable of solving, I decided to just give up and logged into facebook.  And there sat pictures of Dex that a friend tagged in an album, except it wasn’t him just hanging with the boys.  It was him sitting in a recliner with a girl sitting on the top, straddling his head.

Gut instinct?  Knots.

Reaction?  Shut down the computer and went to take a nice, long shower.

I know I could have gotten angry, sent a bitchy message cancelling our date, freaked out because this was the girl who was supposedly just a ‘friend’ that had her crotch less than a foot from the top of his head.  And my initial desire was to do exactly this – to freak out over it, cry and rage and feel hurt and betrayed.

But five minutes in the shower cleared my head, and in that I managed to let the steam clear my mind and see the reality of the situation:

(1) in the photos he didn’t really seem into what was going on, kind of like he was sitting there as a mere object, not a participant

(2) friends can do dorky things like that – in example: hipchecking a coworker twice in the crotch (accident both times, he won’t dance with me any more)

(3) even if she was into him, doesn’t mean he’s necessarily into her

and most importantly:

(4) we’re not in a relationship, so he technically can fool around with other people

(5) I ended up grinding against a guy and later kissing him just a few weeks ago at C’s office party.

Hypocritical, moi?  Definitely.

And so, while I can’t say it doesn’t still bother me a bit, I’m not upset about it.  Not enough to bring it up and talk to him about it.  What will be will be, and if something is going on with them then it’ll come out sooner or later.  There’s no sense in getting all drama over something that I can’t control.

On the downside (yeah, there has to be one) .. it’s made me rethink the whole oral sex thing.  While I respect the right for him to do what he wants with whomever he wants, I’m not sure I want to be exposing myself to multiple partners should he decide to go that route.  Granted any time I kiss him I’m technically doing that now, meh.  Trying to not over-analyze things, but at the same time it’s futile to go through the motions of something that’s just going to make me uncomfortable.  We’ll see.

Date night tomorrow, squee (or something).

“An ounce of hypocracy is worth a pound of ambition.” – Michael Korda

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