Reducing Sugars

27Dec10

Alright, so I’m overdue for an update on the Dex situation I imagine, or even just my dating life in general.  The last post was rather emo-filled and fuelled by feelings of being sick, alone, and feeling vulnerable.

I wish I could say things have changed.  Granted I’m not sick, nor alone.  Feeling rather vulnerable.

The day after emopalooza hit, I felt better and prompted Dex to go for breakfast.  Which we did, and then resulted in my spending the day at his house in somewhat compromising positions.  I went home that night, but it was an impulse thing, and despite the fact that he was hung over he was up for meeting up.  The problem?  I ramble so much when I’m around him.  I get nervous when it’s quiet, and I just blurt stuff out that my brain knows I shouldn’t be saying.  Not proclamations of never-ending love or anything silly, but I just talk about things that I know are stupid ideas when you’re still in the early stages of dating.

Like, while curled up naked in bed and he asks when he’ll see me again, when I joke that the only way he can see me before the holidays is for him to come to my friend’s party.  And then he agrees.  And then inside my head, all I hear is ‘ohhhh shit’, because I actually didn’t think he’d agree.  Who would?!  After four dates, really?

I gave him ample opportunities to bail, and he never did.  In fact, he met up with me at the right time and was my date to Darwin’s xmas party.  To say I was nervous is an understatement, because Darwin has never met any guy I’ve dated (except for my one ex, who has been his friend since childhood).   And Darwin is the type of guy that I view as being like a big brother, so his opinion matters to me.  The entire time I sat there worrying something would go wrong, and yet .. nothing.  We go home that night, and the next day when we roll out of bed I check my phone to find a message from Darwin saying ‘we like him :)’.  A later conversation with Darwin lead to him elaborating that Dex looks like a bad boy, but you can tell he’s a sensitive and nice guy.  And the icing on the cake?  Darwin saying “you’re a good girl, and you deserve a nice guy that will treat you right.  He treats you right, and is a good guy”.  Aww.

So it sounds like everything is great right?  Well not exactly.

To give the boy props, we’re texting almost every day.   He’s made it painfully aware that he’s excited to see me again (nailed down Saturday, avoiding the notion of spending new year’s together thankfully), and I’m pretty sure we’ll be making up for lost time.  But I just feel like something is amiss.  It’s not me looking for trouble, but I’m just not sure really what’s giving me this feeling of doubt.

I’ve broken my oral sex rule for him.  Before anyone gives me grief about this, let me explain – my issue with oral sex has always stemmed back to the fact that you can’t really use protection for oral sex.  You can, but it’s rather useless.  Therefore, I don’t engage in it outside of relationships.   That being said, I have really wanted to go that route with him, so we had a talk.  I brought up the topic of sex, and whether either of us were sleeping with other people.  He said he wasn’t, and I said neither was I (truth).   As we both tested clean, I said maybe we could go that route then, so long as we communicated if one of us started sleeping with another person.  He remarked he wasn’t going to anytime soon, which surprised me because I wasn’t expecting that.  I just restated that ‘if’ he does, to please let me know.  According to C, this sounded like a test, so that’s why he probably answered that way.  Which sucks because it wasn’t a test really, just a disclaimer.

So where does that leave us?  With a lot of sexual freedom I suppose, and definitely more than I’ve allowed any man in the past few years.  He seems like a good guy, so I’ve broken my rules, but in flexing on my guidelines am I setting myself up for trouble?  I asked him at one point if he just wanted to be fuck-buddies, since we spend a lot of time in the bedroom.  He said no, he likes the dates and getting to know me, so I let the subject drop.  But I wonder sometimes if that’s the route we’re going, as 75% of the time we spend these days is in the bedroom.  And most of our dates result in sleepovers, so you can do the math.

So in a nutshell, I feel vulnerable in putting myself out there so damn much.  Between rambling and all the sex, I feel like I might be too available.  To give the dude props, he’s out there too, but considering our status of ‘dating’ and not exclusively, it just seems like a lot of giving.

Then again, it took three dates to actually have sex.  That’s pretty slow for me.  No, I’m not a slut, but thanks for asking.

One issue that arose was the fact that I knew he’d be alone for the holidays due to family issues.  Here’s what I find ironic – had it been a friend, I would have invited them to spend the holidays with my family without second thought.  However, as someone I’m casually dating, I can’t extend the same offer without it seeming like something more serious.  Especially after the ‘meeting the friends’ situation.  I guess in that regard it’s been nice that we’ve been talking most days.  He did admit he wants to see me more than once a week; I guess that’s something we’ll have to work out when I get home.

In other news, this random guy wants to go on a date with me.  He’s determined that I’m a unique personality and I intrigue him.  I’m tempted to go out with him just to demonstrate my lack of compatibility.  Combined with the fact that I’m a monogamist even outside of relationships – the downside to things working so well with Dex is that I haven’t even logged into eharmony in weeks.  The point of the extremely cheap paid account is irrelevant since my mind renders me unable to date other people if I like one person.  Gah!

I miss my 24 year old brain, I was so much easier back then.

 

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