Harmonic Oscillations

18Oct10

So here is the thing about my life – I like it how it is.  I live in on my own, by my own rules, at my own pace, and by whatever means fits my mood at the time.  It’s called independence people, and it’s what I thrive in.

But a relationship?  Or even when you first start dating someone?  That is not life as I know it, or better put – not life as I like it.

The whole e-harmony train that C threw me under in the summer has yielded some interesting results.

Have I met a man?  No.

Have I met men?  Yes.

Have I met any in person yet?  Err, no.

There is one guy that I’ve been emailing with for a few months now and that I think I might even be slowly becoming friends with.  Which is good, I suppose.  But in this I can’t help but feel we’ve lost that opportunity to be anything but friends.  For the first few weeks I found it odd that he wasn’t trying with any real, deep, almost primally driven effort to meet up.  He would try to get to know me, sure, but our emails would probably fall under the ‘500 words or less’ category.  I’m a rather verbose person who likes to talk a lot, so editing myself down to such a small dialogue has been somewhat challenging.  I enjoy him and the conversations we have, and his sense of humour is similar to mine, but as I said before .. I just have this feeling like that timeframe in which anything could have happened has elapsed and because of this nothing ever will.  I’ve noticed a lack of prodding to figure out if there’s a reciprocated interest; maybe he’s just as socially awkward as I am.

The other contender .. well we’ve been emailing since this past thanksgiving (Canadian here).  And not to compare one to the other, but the emails with this fellow are massive.  I think on some level he is my ultimate dream man, if I was to ever have one.  He’s a software engineer, works in the gaming industry (for a prominent company at that), hardcore game enthusiast (over 2000 trophies), smart (reads history and math books in his spare time), a somewhat social creature, and has a kick-ass sense of humour.  The catch-22?  He is impossible to nail down.  In the first email he sent me outside of e-harmony he ended it by suggesting that we could maybe meet up in the next few weeks.  I was honest with him that, while the idea is welcome, until my sister forces the spawn from the depths of her womb I’d be unable to tie myself down to anything definitively.  He said he understood and there’s no rush, but his emailing pattern is rather .. sporatic.  In fact I all but wrote him off the other day because it was three days before I heard from him.  I understand that not everyone is as devoted to their email as I might be, but three days?  It just seems rather … long.  Especially for someone who’s job involves sitting at a computer all day.  But I digress.  But in a way I think it’s soured me towards him.  Despite all the geek-porn that his blog contained (oh god …. so delicious), I just don’t foresee myself investing myself in this whole dialogue because it just … well it makes me feel rather like crap.

Discussing it with C, at first she told me I should feel refreshed to have a guy say to me “hey I love our exchanges, I’d love to see how we’d be together in person.  Let’s meet up”.  No games, pretty straight forward lay of the land.  But in all that I just feel … unfulfilled.  Maybe it’s this illusion that it’s everything I wanted, everything I need in a man.  Smart, funny, charming gaming programmer who is direct and doesn’t play any games.  Maybe that is what is rubbing me the wrong way about this whole thing.

Then again, he is an American.  Living in Canada, albeit.

But still an American.

“Games are a compromise between intimacy and keeping intimacy away.” — Eric Berne

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