The following dialogue occurred today at approximately 6:00pm EST with my ex:

k says:  yeah me too … still a fan of the idea of eloping
D says:  yes…. I like that idea much better
k says:  Darwin actually asked last night if you got married yet, it was funny lol
D says:  Lol  … nope not married
k says:  well I told him that obviously
D says:  but you know though ( sorry for the possible awkwardness ) but I really do regret how things went with us.
k says:  I think it’s impossible to say that and not have awkwardness
D says:  Lol yes perhaps
k says:  okay but here’s the thing –  one of my things was that I thought you kinda spoke a little too touchy-feely with exes, like saying things that might not have been appropriate considering you had a girlfriend (me).  You kinda do that with me now, sometimes you say things and it just seems .. I dunno, like you’re being overly nice and trying to get back on my good side in a non-platonic way
D says:  Ummmm
k says:  I’m not done, sec
k says:  so while I agree that it’s regrettable what happened, I think that ultimately we would have had the same outcome regardless.  And I don’t mean non-platonic as in a sexual way or something, it’s just talking about the past a lot from when we were dating, bringing back those warm fuzzy memories kind of thing.  You and I just have very different opinions of what’s okay and what’s not with talking to exes.  I’m not saying I’m right and you’re wrong, they just don’t mesh
k says:  k now I’m done
D says:  Lol okay that makes more sense now
k says:  anyway, that’s just my point of view about it.  I’ve had time to think about it in hindsight and all
D says:  Awww it’s cool.

I showed the dialogue to C, who concluded that was ‘weird’.  And it was just that – very weird.  But I got my point across and made it very clear that, even if he wanted a chance with me again, that none exists.

A small part of me still loves him.  A small part of me will always love him, and to this day I still find it painful at times to realize he’s gone from my life forever.  It sometimes hurts and I ache, wishing he was here with me again.  But my brain knows it’s not a smart decision for many reasons, including the one illustrated above.  And that’s the important part according to me.

In other news, I have a date on Friday.  With someone who is not my ex, nor is Chaos.  In fact he’s a brand new boy that I barely know.  It’s almost like a blind date I suppose.  At first I kept insisting it was a ‘hang’, but now I have to suck it up and accept that it’s a date.  I’m not pessimistic I’m just .. not sure.  It feels like one of those scenarios where the guy is more into me than I into him, but that’s just the vibe I’m picking up.  I’m not sure if he’s dishing out filler-flirting, or genuine flirting.  I guess we’ll see in like … five days, eeps!

Had a talk with Avo on Friday – he realized Monday is my last day.  He seemed .. I’m not really sure what’s the best word to describe it.  Surprised?  No.  Upset?  No.  Distraught?  Maybe.   I’ll miss the guy.

It’s been an interesting week.

The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice.” — George Eliot


2 Responses to “Maturity”

  1. 1 h

    You have too many ex’s. It took me two full minutes to figure out who D was.

    Also, entirely appropriate comic:

    Good luck on Friday, though! … just as long as his name doesn’t ALSO start with a “D”. :p

    • 2 keewt

      I don’t have that many … I guess I have a few, but only like TWO who’s names started with D. More M’s than anything else I think.

      And I’m not getting my hopes up about Friday – not pessimistic but not severely optimistic either. But I’m open to having fun.

      P.S. That comic made me laugh so hard. I ❤ it.

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