Free Radicals


I’ve been having some weird dreams lately about a guy at work, namely about Avo.  God it’s been awhile since I’ve mentioned him, hasn’t it?  I think this is mainly because things with have been really platonic.  We talk, and he makes it a point to say hi to me every day, but it’s not like it’s something … well, something.

Last week I had this weird dream in which him and I were in bed together.  I should rephrase that — we were sharing a bed, and he kept trying to cuddle with me.  I kept pushing him away and telling him to stay on his side, and he kept wiggling back over and wrapping his arms around me.  I finally gave up and told him fine, as long as he kept it in his pants.  At that point he rubbed his crotch against my ass and … ugh.

Then the other day I had another dream about him.  In this one we were both drinking and he kept hitting on me, and I kept brushing him off.  Finally he got fed up and grabbed me, kissing me hard and holding me against him so I couldn’t pull away.  I remember in the dream it was actually a good kiss, but I didn’t like the feel of it.  The way his mouth tasted and the way he was holding me made me squirm and want to get away.  The more I fought the deeper he kissed me, and only once I stopped resisting did he draw his lips away from mine.  He stroked my hair, then ran his finger down my cheek, pulling my chin up.  He made a remark about it not being so bad, why was I fussing?  He kissed my forehead and continued to hold me, all the while I was hating every moment.

The only thing I can figure for the increase in Avo-dreams is that we’ve been breaking together more often, and because of that we’ve been getting to know each other a little better.  I’m also pretty sure that one time during a conversation he said the word ‘girlfriend’, as in reference to him having one, but when I heard it and looked at him he seemed uncomfortable and I never heard it from his mouth any time after that.  He seems like a nice enough guy, but I often enough feel like he reminds me of someone — my brother.   Which I suppose makes that whole rumour thing a lot weirder in hindsight.

It’s weird though because the feeling I had in that dream was the same feeling I experienced that first time Chaos kissed me.  Being uncomfortable, and on some level having it feel wrong.   It wasn’t that the kiss was bad, but it just felt .. unnatural.  And that’s what the dream felt like — the entire process of him trying to get into my pants just felt like it’d be a mistake, or some major taboo.  At least in my dreams I can recognize right from wrong, if only I could say the same about my drunken mind.

“Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be” — Kurt Vonnegut


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