Sublimation

11Mar10

Last weekend I set up a date with the preacher for dinner and a movie.  He was insistent on driving down to my neck of the woods to take me out on the town to wine-and-dine me in his attempts to woo.

Yesterday I cancelled.

In my defense I rescheduled the date … again … to a few weeks from now when I’m visiting my folks.   This will be our third attempt on the same date.

I just don’t understand why I keep pushing this off.  I had a great time when we went out and have been eager to spend more time with him, but each time the opportunity comes up either him or I end up calling it all off.  I’m starting to think that this is the universe’s subtle way of telling me to back off, to not follow this approach and just move on and past the man who is the perfect opposite of me.  The ying to my yang, the male to my female, my .. wow that sounded dirty.

I wonder at times if my heart is still frozen shut from two years ago, and the only reason I haven’t moved on is because I really don’t feel like doing it yet.   I get the speech from people that I am ‘no spring chicken any more’, but I don’t see how that means I should be rushing out to settle for anything that comes my way.  I guess I carry the belief that when the right person comes along it’ll thaw out on its own.  It’s just been a long wait, a long winter.

One person definitely not thawing things for me:  Chaos.  I just don’t know what to do about him any longer.  A strong part of me wants to stay his friend, but I’m starting to run an inventory to figure out why I’m putting all this effort into it.  He only makes an effort to talk to me when he’s been drinking, which sends a whole slew of flags up for me.  But I seem to have to be the one to instigate the suggestion of us hanging out.  He never wants to commit to doing anything together, and just .. ugh.  I told myself that this year I would ween myself off of being  ‘a friend of convenience’, and honestly that’s what I feel like with him these days.  And the lying, ugh the lying!  So out of hand!  Someone at work was talking about him with me and made a remark about how he talks about other people, sharing information that they probably wouldn’t want shared.  I said “gee, I wonder what he must say about me to other people then”, and she didn’t say anything.  This made me groan on the inside, a very long and painful groan.    I think I’ll give it one more go at hanging out with him and see how it pans out, but I’m not going to be the one to instigate it.  If he brings it up then it happens, if not then oh well.

On an amusing note, one of my co-workers was trying to page Chaos tonight but wasn’t getting a reply, so I asked him if he wanted me to try.  He gave me this puzzled look, then asked “why, do you have something going on with (Chaos)?  Does (Avogadro) know?  Should we give him the scoop and let them duke it out?”.  Laughs all around.  Just when I thought they had forgotten about that whole fiasco, they bring it back to life.

Excellent.

/sarcasm

You may delay, but time will not.” — Unknown

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