Through The Concave Looking Glass

02Feb10

I feel as if things were perfectly balanced and in their rightful place, when suddenly I woke up Sunday morning to find myself in a different place and standing on my head instead of my two feet.  The inverted state of my body left all the blood rushing to my head and my thoughts to become all jumbled and devoid of any ounce of common sense.  Blinking a few times did not remedy the situation, and instead I still find myself in a very strange place where logic seems like a foreign concept and everyone behaves in a very improper manner.

I should have realized I was taking the whole Chaos thing too easily in stride when anyone I told seemed concerned that I would be taking it so well.  And I truly was, though in hindsight I’m wondering if it might have been a shock response.  But when I woke up yesterday it was like a switch had been flipped and suddenly my emotions were in a completely different plane than they were 12 hours before.  I woke up and I was upset, I was angry, and I was annoyed.  Most of all I was insulted and dejected.   I had possible-plans with some friends, and at the last minute opted to go spend time with them rather than mope around the house.  Human contact and all that jazz.  Unfortunately it didn’t work as planned since this very annoying person was there who talked constantly about nothing of any importance or interest, so I spent most of the meal and conversation afterwards dazed out and immersed in my own thoughts.  By the time I was ready to leave I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed.

[No dice.  Of course you can’t sleep when you feel like this!]

Though it feels like comparing apples to oranges, it seemed like the same feeling of loss that I felt when I ended things with D.  And though it feels it should be odd to feel that, I can somewhat see where it’s coming from as both experiences had a sense of finality.  When I walked away from that relationship I vowed to never go back, in a sense filling out the death certificate for any future between us.  When S married the random girl he did the same thing — he indirectly told me that things between us will never happen.  Every woman carries around that seed of belief that maybe it’s bad timing, and maybe two years from now .. but he’s now affixed a ‘past expiry’ sticker on that possibility.  Even if it was a lie and he’s not married, the damage is done.  I can still see him as a friend, but I don’t think I could ever see him as anything more ever again.

Of course the situation this time around pales in comparison to how it did with D, which had set me in a catatonic state where I couldn’t sleep or eat for a good two weeks, and any exchange that exceeded more than 10 words with anyone would overwhelm me and cause me to burst into tears.   Last night I had some issues sleeping, but eventually I got there.  I have less of an appetite, but at least I do get hungry.  And I haven’t actually cried, though I’ve come close a few times but succeeded in fighting it off.  So it’s a diminished capacity of the state I was in following the D fiasco, which makes perfect sense considering the emotions involved in each.  I was in love with D, and I was in ‘like’ with S.  It’s understandable it bothers me, but not in a state to which I would be unable to function.

In hindsight watching ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’ when unable to sleep was a bad idea, since we were supposed to go see that together.  Damn triggers.

The acknowledgment of our weakness is the first step toward repairing our loss.” — Thomas A. Kempis

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