The Great Battle of Cassandra^ (2008)

07Jan10

Is it sad that I had to tell myself today “no video games, no tv, no distractions until you get some blogging and other internet tasks done”.  I made myself a big breakfast, complete with coffee, and now find myself settled in for the long haul, the mini-vacation I’m imposing upon myself from gaming until I’m done all the things I’ve been putting off the last few days.

*twitches*

I had an interesting break from my Chaos dreams last night and instead found Avogadro in one.  Again though, the dream seemed a little weird and it makes me wonder what the hell my mind is going through to be trying to traumatize me so much.  In this one the power went out and I was in my living room reading.  I heard Avogadro through the window and we were talking, so he asked if he could come in and play video games.  I went and opened the door and he came in, shoving the door open and grabbing me by the throat, pinning me down to the ground and cutting off my air.  He let go when he saw that I was genuinely scared, but either way the whole thing shook me a bit on both the subconscious and conscious levels.  It might have excited me a little too, just a tiny little miniscule bit though.

I actually ran into i last night online in a chat room I used to frequent.  It was a weird situation where he was (apparently) stoned out of his tree and was trying to be some kind of service slave to a guy I used to sleep with.  And this actually wasn’t a dream; this actually happened.  I have to resist the urge to shudder just thinking about it again.

Now onto the topic of Cassandra^ — she was the straw that broke the back of my last serious relationship.  She was my ex’s ex, and the one I caught him messing around with.   It’s a topic I don’t usually think about too often because the thought of that whole chapter of my life still makes my temperature rise and my vision start to blur into a red haze.   I can understand that him and I didn’t agree on certain things, but he still understood my definitions and the reactions I would have if he did certain things.   And his choice was to do so, and I respect that, but I refuse to feel guilt for doing what I did.

Yesterday at work I found myself flipping through a newspaper to kill some time and came across the help column.  The girl writing in was telling the self-help guru about how she had broken up with her boyfriend of nearly four years because he had been fooling around on her.  But three years down the road she decided to give him another chance.   It’s been a year since they got back together and they still haven’t done anything physical (aka sexual) since she doesn’t feel she can trust him.   That, in a nutshell was why I decided to end things with D, being that I felt I would never be able to trust him again and it would severely impact our sex life because of it.   Once I found out he was cheating the relationship was as good as dead; either we could walk away then and there accepting it, or we could have tried to fight off the slow death that was inevitable.

I’ve considered at times if life might not have been easier had I stayed with him.  I could have possibly forced myself to forget about his indiscretions and been able to live a passable life.  But odds are we would have ended up divorced at some point because it would have felt exactly like what it would have been, a hollow shell of life.  Did I love him?  Absolutely.  Do I still?  On some small level I probably always will, but it’s just not enough.  It’s been nearly two years now, and the article made me wonder if I was at the point that I might consider the idea of rekindling things if he suddenly showed up on my doorstep.  The answer is still no unfortunately.   I’ve become a different person since the end of that relationship, and while I may tolerate a certain degree of cyclical crap from Chaos I am certainly not a doormat.   I haven’t done a complete 180 from the introverted geek that I was three years ago, but at least I have made some progress towards being more social and trying to put myself out there.  More needs to be done, but I’m working on it.

I was talking with a guy I know online, in fact I’ve probably known him almost ten years now and we’ve never met.  Over the last six months I guess we’ve been talking more, and it’s been nice because we tend to be similar personalities and carry some of the same views.  Last night we were talking and he mentioned something about missing physical contact.  It reminded me of how much I miss the whole act of sleeping with someone; falling asleep curled up next to them and waking up to find them there.   Since D I’ve only done this with two men:  being M3 and S.  With M3, well I can’t explain it.  I never felt really safe or completely comfortable with it.  And we never actually fell asleep cuddling; he’d usually roll over before I fell asleep and wake up on the other side of the bed.  Yet this is the same man who would get frustrated with me because I refused to hold his hand in public.  I find it amusing that a man who knew so well how to fulfill my sexual needs never clued into my comfort needs.   On the other hand we have S, whom I’ve slept with twice.   He seemed clueless to my sexual needs, but seemed to understand the comfort ones.  For some reason I trust the man enough to hold me while I sleep, which is possibly one of the more vulnerable acts to me, and yet I never felt I could trust him enough to admit that I liked him.

There are a few men that I can say I felt completely comfortable sleeping with:  M1, M2, D, and S.   Two of the men I loved, one was infatuation, and I’m still not sure what the other was/is.   I certainly miss the human contact, having someone to curl up against while watching tv, and someone to fall asleep with at night.   I believe it takes a certain type of person to sleep with, your bodies need to fit properly, but so does the rest of you.  If one part of your union isn’t balanced, you can’t expect to have a satisfying sleep.  I think my sleeping patterns as of late are a clear indicator of this, since I can’t seem to even sleep on my own without disruption.  And if I can’t even sleep with myself, how can I expect to do it with someone else?

Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night.” — Anonymous

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2 Responses to “The Great Battle of Cassandra^ (2008)”

  1. 1 h

    You need a body pillow. Preferably one with a heater in it. It’ll be just like they do for endangered condors… except a man-sized facsimile!


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