Acid Base Reactions


I’ve always been a believer of karma; that universal balance of good and bad.  Carrying this belief always made me feel that even though I  might be getting screwed over now, the end will justify the means.  Like doing an acid-base titration, good and bad need be in perfect balance in order to reach the end of the reaction.

Today I find myself in an emotional downward spiral.  I don’t mean this as a bad thing since I’m actually feeling today, it’s just because they’re all negative emotions.

I had a really weird dream last night, in fact the entire story would probably  make for a great movie or tv show episode.  The problem is that each time I sit down to try and write it all out, I find myself getting upset over it.  It’s not that the dream itself was particularly traumatizing, it was what I was feeling while having it and who was in it.

I was driving C home last night and explaining to her how S’ actions have become more clear to me in the last few weeks, which to me indicates that I’m starting to regard him as a friend, or an equal of sorts, and no longer a romantic conquest.  We talked about things a bit before I told her about something S had told me on numerous occasions, being that he is only really friends with a girl if he’s interested in her.  Once that interest disappears he no longer needs to be her friend.  As I explained to her, the moment he stopped trying to be my friend would be the moment that I would know that he had liked me.  It’ll be a confirmation, but very bittersweet.

The entire dream involved my subconscious trying to enlighten me on the Chaos issue, as if it was trying to prod me into keeping the lines of communication open with him.   I’m not going to write out the entire sequence, but there was one entire portion that hit me the hardest.  Sufficient to say shit was bad, world was ending, blah blah.  I was running around trying to find him and finally did.  He was busy working and was trying to blow me off (earlier in the dream we had argued over me fooling around with another guy).  I finally told him what was going on; he was going to die that day.  He stopped walking and turned around.  I clarified that everyone was going to die, including him but not me.  He stared at the ground for a few minutes and we said nothing.  He then lifted his eyes up to  meet mine and he said I had told him this would happen a few days ago when I fell asleep with him.  He did one of those laughs that people do when they feel like they’re trapped with no escape.  My heartstrings felt like they were being yanked out of my chest.  I walked to him, closing the distance and touched his arm.  I tilted his head up to look at mine and said “hey, you’re important to me.  You’ve always been important to me, and I need you to know that.  Even when you’ve been an ass, that’s never changed.  I care and you need to know”.   He stared at me a moment, then pulled me into a hug.  After some time he pulled away and said he needed to find a camera.  I asked why, and he told me that if I wasn’t going to have him around any more then I at least needed a picture of us.  He ran off into the mess of people, and though I searched I never found him again.

As I said, the dream itself wasn’t overly traumatic, but it was the feelings that hit me.  The spitefulness at the beginning, the anger he was feeling and radiating outwards.  The awkwardness in having to tell him he would die, the pain at watching someone you care about lose all hope.  And that last touch, knowing you’ll never feel them again.  When I opened my eyes it took every single ounce of my self-control to not cry over the feelings that were still in my body.  I succeeded, but barely.

I sent a message to C to check on her, since her grandmother has not been doing so well.  She told me that she passed this morning.  She seemed in shock, and I think that it was the catalyst that pushed me over the edge.  I found myself crying, because of the stupid dream and that a friend of mine was in such an emotional pit.  I offered anything she might need, told her I’d be there in a second if she needed me.  She said thank you, but she’ll be okay for now.

When I finished talking to C, I realized I didn’t want to be in my apartment alone all day.  I have two friends that are within walking distance, so I messaged Chaos while calling my girlfriend.  She answered but was busy and said she’d call me back.  S replied, and I finally asked if he could hang out or do anything.  He told me he had plans today and couldn’t.   So I walked away and took a shower, trying to get all these feelings out of my head.

When I feel like this I need human contact.  And it doesn’t have to be touch, it doesn’t have to be a hug or being held.  I just need to be around another person.  Even if we’re just sitting on a couch watching a movie, the fact that someone else is there helps to distract me so that I don’t let my emotions overwhelm me.  When I’m at home alone there’s no reason to deny myself tears.  If someone is sitting a few feet away from me, there’s a reason to hold it in.  There’s a reason to not wallow in memories of things that didn’t happen, a reason to push those feelings away until they dissipate.   Do I wish there was someone to hold me and let me get the one good cry out?  Sure, but I’m a realist and realize I don’t trust most people with those things.

So I’m dealing with this stuff myself, blogging being the one escape I’m getting for all these crazed thoughts.   On one hand I’m wondering if I should tell Chaos that he’s important to me.  On the other hand, I keep reminding myself it was just a dream.  More important (and real) things are at hand, priorities and all that jazz.

Love isn’t who you can see yourself with, it’s who you can’t see yourself without.” — Anonymous


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