Inflexion Points

17Dec09

This week has been anti-climatic in one sense, and then pretty interesting in others.  I think I’ll resort to an abbreviated point-form structure for this post to help with ease of organization

(1)  I am, as many of my friends would say, ‘teh sick’.  So much so that I’m actually an outpatient going to the hospital twice daily for IV treatments.  A few things about this experience have been enlightening.  For one, I’ve come to notice how many people go to the hospital with spouses/partners.  I sometimes feel like the only single person on the planet when there, and like I should have a boyfriend who is taking me.  I entertained the idea of asking Chaos to take me once, but quickly tossed that idea out the window since I can imagine his response (“what?  Why would I do that?  You have a car, and I have shows/games/stuff to watch/play/do”).   Secondly, my resistance to crying is actually quite commendable.  Today there was a guy in my room who was getting his IV moved to a different location on his arm and geesh, did he whine a lot.  When they moved mine I was tense but I didn’t make a single noise, even though they were moving it to a more sensitive location that hurts with each movement.

(b)  I’m beginning to realize that I don’t -need- a man.  I would just -like- to have a man in my life.  There is a distinct difference.  Oh, and especially if it was uber cute Dr. Cory whom I saw yesterday.  He seemed about my age, slight geek-chic, cute as hell, and oh!  Single!  Yeah, I shamefully admit that I flirted with him a bit, and was thoroughly amused when he got flustered by it.

(III) I am haunted by punctuation — proper grammar and spelling has always been a pet peeve of mine, but I’ve never really judged people based on grammar skills.  This is probably due to my over-use of the comma, which used to drive my editor nuts back when I wrote articles (why yes I am a published author, thank you).   But the haunting is not from that exactly, but returning back to my dialogues with S over the weekend.  When I wrote to him I said ‘I like you and I like hanging out with you…’, intentionally leaving out a comma after ‘I like you’ because I did not want to  make it appear like a separate thought from the hanging out part (though it would be accurate that I did like him, I couldn’t very well tell him that!).  However in his reply he typed the same thing, but as: ‘I like you, and I like hanging out with you’.  The comma!  It is there, after the ‘I like you’!  I noticed it immediately and my brain went ‘what the hell … ?!?!’.  So now I’m just wondering if he knows the proper use of punctuation, or if it was a typo, or if he just doesn’t put as much thought into the meaning of words as I do.  Most likely the latter.

(4) My buddy from my recent trip left me a message on my faboo wall indicating that both he and his roomates miss me.  I thought that was sweet and warmed my ever-cooling and jaded heart.   I really suck at picking the wrong guys and tossing aside the good catches;  maybe something for me to work on in the new year.

(e) Date night in just over a week.  Oh noes!

(VI) I’m trying to figure out my new year’s eve, and failing.  I have a wedding to attend, and then a party in the city at a friend’s house.  So I was thinking of asking S if he was going down to the city and if he wanted to carpool.  Then one of us has the freedom to get totally smashed while the other can be a responsible adult.  I’ve tossed the idea around in my head a few times, but I keep discarding it into the ‘bad idea’ pile since odds are he’d be the one getting tanked.  I don’t particularly relish the idea of picking him up from his friend’s while he’s drunk and having to spend 1 hr in a car with him.  Now the idea of me being drunk and spending 1 hr in the car with him is perfectly acceptable to me.  We’ll see if he pisses me off again …

(7)  … the douchebag screwed me over at work.  I was trying to help out the following shift and when I talked to S about coverage he said he couldn’t help.  So I told the next shift this, and when S couldn’t get what he needed he apparently was furious.  And decided to blame it all on ME.  I was livid when I got to work yesterday and had a voicemail from a friend of mine giving me a head’s up on the situation.  And thus I had a talk with the following shift and told them to deal with S themselves; I want no part of it anymore.  It’ s not my job to argue with him about these things, and I’m tired of getting blamed for stuff that isn’t my responsibility.  It was amusing during the discussion because my counterpart seemed of the opinion that S is complete jerk, and I said to him ‘well he’s actually a pretty nice guy outside of work for the most part, but at work .. yeah he can kinda be an ass’.   He is the first person I’ve alluded to about being friend with S outside of work, and he seemed kind of surprised by it.

(h) (irony!)  As for the topic choice, I find myself changing direction.  As I’ve said, this period of being sick has been an eye-opener for me and made me realize a few things.  For one, I am going to have to sit down and have ‘the talk’ with S about liking him.  It keeps rattling around inside my head and I fear I’m never going to get past all this crap until I do.  And if we just end up friends?  That’s fine with me, but I just need to get it out.  Kind of be like ‘I liked you, and what you said hurt me, but whatever I’m getting over it’.   While his response to my outburst might have been commendable and unexpected, I just don’t think he wants to be with me as anything other than friends.  But until I know for sure, I’ll never get the (emotional) separation I need.  Another thing is that I need to put some serious thought/effort into meeting new people and figuring out what I want in a partner.  I need to stop being so shy and introverted, and let people see me for who I am.  Rely less on my hobbies and interests in forming a connection and let them focus more on my brain and personality, which essentially are what make me who I am.  And I need to stop making excuses and just start doing things.  A bit of nervousness is understandable, but living in a shell isn’t living.

Just because everything is different doesn’t mean anything has changed.” — Irene Peter

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