Conclusions Revisited

14Dec09

Well, not entirely sure where to go with this post.  Originally I was going to write it this morning, when things were different.  But now it’s night, and things are even more different and so, my plan of attack is slightly .. different.

My health is once again in a dismal state, and my emotions appear to be running somewhat rampant as of late.  Last night I returned to the hospital and ended up with a douche of a doctor who told me to go home and come back the next day, mainly due to his lazyness and his desire to pawn me off on someone else (I don’t exaggerate in this, as I’ve had this doctor before).  I was so frustrated I was almost in tears as I left.  There was some stomping, swearing, and door slamming as I exited the building.  The cold air helped to stop the tears until I got home.  When I got home I took my stuff off and flopped on the couch, turning the laptop back on.  I had two messages waiting for me — one was from C, expressing her concern and hoping I’m okay, complete with hugs and support with ‘if you need anything…’.  I ❤ that girl.

The other was from S, and was playfully teasing me.  And for some reason I just .. snapped.  It just felt like a jab in an already festering wound and so …. snap.  I told him that it seems like sometimes he forgets I’m a girl and treats me like a guy, that I have feelings and he seems to forget about that when he says dumb shit.  He didn’t reply in about 5 minutes to my 250+ word rant on msn, so I shut the laptop and went to sleep.  I was so frustrated with work, with my personal life, with my health, and with him.  Unfortunately he was the only outlet I had to take it out on.  But in a way it was good because those thoughts had been kicking around in my head driving me nuts for weeks now.

I slept in late, got up and decided to check in with C, who was still kicking around.  While talking I opened my email and there was a message from S waiting for me on faboo.  I opened it up and blinked, primarily because of the length of it.  This is a guy where I’m lucky if I get complete sentences when talking online, and his message had to be at least double if not triple the length of my rant.   I bounced it off C, who was equally surprised about the content.  For one, he apologized, repeatedly.  He said he didn’t recall saying that, repeatedly.  He told me how much he enjoys my company and spending time together, repeatedly.  Apologized again.  Said he wished I was around to discuss it with me to find out exactly what he did.  It was, well, surprising.  He seemed to actually be worried and care about what happened, what the fuck?  In conclusion, he said if I wanted him to leave me alone he’d respect that.

I mulled over replying.  In one sense he gave me the out I seem to have been needing; a clean break where we don’t associate with one another except for at work.  But on another level he seemed pretty certain he didn’t say what I know I heard, and it was a pretty long message for someone to not care about it.  I figured I owed him at least a reply.  So I tried to write it, and couldn’t.  I just kept getting upset, so I’d walk away and do something else.  I cut paragraphs out, put others in, copy-pasted different portions together.  I didn’t put a huge effort into it, but I just wanted to make sure I didn’t say anything that made me feel more vulnerable than I already did.  I divided it into four parts, (1) explanation of my ’emotional bulemia’; (2) his hot/cold behaviour whenever we get close; (3) what he said and his behaviour; and (4) how I was feeling at that moment, which was pretty torn on how to go about things.

I got a reply about an hour later, again somewhat bulky.  He admitted that he probably said something to that effect, but left out/added on a few words that didn’t  belong there.  He then followed up by dishing some information that I’m going to omit from blogging (not my business to tell).   With his explanation a few things started to click in my mind, and made more sense.   On one hand I was surprised that he was telling me stuff (albeit, edited down), but then this small part of me was going “is he telling me the truth, or is this just another lie?”.   I don’t really think it was a fib, because (a) why go to that trouble, and (b) it sounded pretty legit.  So along with a plausible explanation was him (again) apologizing, and (again) stating that he likes hanging out with me.   He also elaboratedthat he doesn’t spend time with me for the alcohol or the sex, but because of how we get along.  Interesting.  And (again) concluded with the statement of  ‘if you don’t want to be friends anymore’.

He also included a line that if I decided to stay friends that maybe we shouldn’t drink around each other any more.  Not entirely sure what to think about that one.  We do have fun when we’ve had a few drinks, but then weird stuff happens/is said so … I think the best fitting word is ‘prudent’.

So in the end, what’s the verdict?   I told him we can still be friends, that I’ll do some mental compartmentalization and things should be fine in a bit.  I’m not planning to spend any time with him prior to the holidays, so that gives me another few weeks to work everything out in my head.  I really wish I had just had the courage to tell him ‘I liked you, and that’s why what you said hurt me’, but I just couldn’t.  I feel vulnerable enough around him now, I don’t want to make an awkward situation even worse.

So yes, work tomorrow?  Oh this is going to either be (a) very interesting, or (b) very  normal.  I guess we’ll see.

“People do not like to think. If one thinks, one must reach conclusions. Conclusions are not always pleasant.” — Helen Keller

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3 Responses to “Conclusions Revisited”

  1. 1 h

    Aww. C does sound like a good friend! I will therefore retire her letter from my alphabet of potential pseudonyms. (And “i” is just entirely too complicated, so that’s out too)

    Maybe you guys will be good friends for a while and then “who knows?” As long as you two spend more time happy around each other than grumpy, then relationship = win.

    • 2 keewt

      C is an awesome friend. I wish that every time I typed ‘<3!' to her she understood exactly how awesome I think she is, but the sentiment is probably lost in textual translation.

      I'm not holding my breath on anything this time. Honestly. We saw eachother tonight and didn't talk, but I was being antisocial with pretty much everyone tonight so meh. I bounced the entire message exchange off a buddy of mine today and he formulates the theory that S 'likes me, but not enough'.

      Which makes perfect sense to me.

      As much as I hate the concept of love and cheesy romance, I think I am a romantic at heart which is why I get involved in these lost ventures. I like the idea of the underdog winning, and of stuff happening when it doesn't seem like it would. S and I could go back and forth for years like this with nothing ever happening. Is that enough for me? I don't think so any more. I want something that's substantiated, not something theoretical. I'm a scientist; I like to see, feel, smell. All this abstract stuff just makes me bonkers.

      If the day comes where he gets his shit together and can -tell- me that he likes me, then sure I might entertain the idea. But I can't see that ever happening, which is kind of sad.


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