Thresholds

10Dec09

In many ways I would consider myself the anti-female — my dislike of children, my reluctancy to commit to relationships, my interests in terms of gaming, computers, books, science, etc.  One of the clearest indicators that point me out as being less female than my peers is the fact that my emotions function on a different plane than most girls.  I had a discussion briefly about this with C yesterday via text that I don’t think went so well.

As I mentioned before I let myself cry in the wee hours of Sunday night.  I know people may have read that and rolled their eyes going, ‘ugh, dra-ma’.  But that’s not really the case with me.  I’ve had a few cries in the past year, but haven’t cried since April.  As for a really good deep cry, that’s February of last year.  Crying is just not something I do with a high frequency, and this is because I restrict the emotion within myself because I dislike random crying spurts.  If I’m going to cry I want it to be on my terms, not at random and/or inopportune moments (i.e. in the middle of a meeting at work, or the produce section at the grocery store).  I am not a control freak in general, but when it comes to public displays of emotion I like to keep a firm lockdown on things.

(I’m also a PDA phobe, which is somewhat related to that I suppose)

The problem I have with crying is not necessarily that I view it as weakness, but I do view it as a moment of vulnerability.  People who see you cry are seeing you at your most exposed and raw, and that’s not something I’m comfortable with sharing with most people in my life.  In the past 10 years I think the only people who have seen me cry are (a) family, and (b) ex-boyfriends.  It requires an extreme amount of trust for me to be able to cry around someone, and even people I trust completely (i.e. C and a few choice others) are people I would not want to see me cry.

Another issue is that when I finally do cry I find it screws me up for about a good week, at least.  Every day this week I have had at least one period of time through the day where I just felt like crying.  Sometimes at home when I wake up, sometimes when at work.  It’s just not something I want nor desire, and while I have not cried since it makes me feel somewhat insane to be eating a piece of cheese and suddenly feel like bursting tears with no prompting.

C is the opposite of me like this, being that when she feels sad and like crying she does so.  For me when I feel sad I feel .. well, sad.  But I rarely feel like crying; it usually takes a pretty significant shove (i.e. death, severe injury) to make me finally indulge in that kind of emotional release.  When discussing this with C she told me it’s unhealthy for me to keep it bottled in, but I think she just doesn’t understand my brain enough to realize that I’m not keeping it inside.  I don’t sit there and dwell; I sort and discard.  If something pisses me off or upsets me, I vent it out and move on.   In fact, I find the idea of random emotional outbursts to be less healthy than my approach of not indulging in random fits of melancholy.

I think saying that offended C somehow, seeing as how she is more in tune with her emotions than I am.  And that wasn’t my intent; I don’t judge people based on their crying routines or how they deal with their emotions.  I think it’s just something I can’t relate to because it’s something that doesn’t work for me.  I used to be like that, but I wasn’t happy with being unhappy all the time.  I cried over everything and it drove me nuts, plus it was counter productive.  I would go through these three day bouts of depression every three months where I did nothing but cry and hate myself.   So I changed my habits, denied myself crying at the start, and as time went by I’ve gotten to the point I don’t miss it and I feel more balanced as a person.  I view it like being someone who gets so angry that they want to punch someone, but chooses to not do so and walks away.  It’s a strong emotion taking control and overwhelming you, but you still have control over it.  Instead of anger I control my tears.

Throw into this the fact that my mother and sister were diagnosed with chemical imbalances in the brain where they jump around from extreme emotion to extreme emotion .. yeah.  This works just as efficiently as taking a pill, and does not require a medical diagnosis or a prescription to fix.   And so for the next few days I’m going to refuse to let myself cry again.  I’ve done good for the past four, another four and I should be out of the woods and back to my old/new self.

The human mind can bear plenty of reality but not too much intermittent gloom.” — Margaret Drabble

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One Response to “Thresholds”

  1. 1 j

    Save the water! (Children in Africa are thirsty)


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