Positive Order vs. Disorder


Here’s what I am hoping will be the final post in the Chaos saga.  I don’t say this in a negative way, as I do feel I would like to remain his friend.  I mean this in the sense of emo-tween-drama-bs that our relationship has evolved into over the past few months.  The headgames, the hot/cold, the damn drama.  I’m hoping this is the conclusion to all of that.

On my trip we were drinking quite a bit, and while taking a break from gaming I went on msn and was talking to some friends.  For lack of common sense I decided to message S, and our conversation pretty much boiled down to a very cold front being received from him.  In the end I shut my laptop and went back to gaming with the boys, but it left a very sour taste in my mouth.  I tried to not let it ruin my mood, and a few rounds (and shots) later I found myself in much better spirits.

As mentioned in my prior post, I did some thinking the last night and decided I was going to have to cut S out of my life in a few fractions.  I didn’t want to excommunicate the boy completely, but I needed to weed him out in order to get over him and return to a completely platonic state (something that C doubts is possible, but we’ll see).   Best laid plans and all that jazz — they always fail.  I saw him at work my first night back and things were normal work behavior, but the following night he didn’t come in.  I didn’t pay it much thought to be honest.  However the next morning S messaged me, claiming to be on a trip to New York and heading back that night.  I kept the conversation pretty neutral, and was multitasking at the time which made it easier.

S messaged me again in the wee hours of Saturday morning as I was watching tv.  We talked back and forth, again with me striving to be very neutral.   I’ll admit the conversation was fun with our back and forth, but it wasn’t like it used to be where I would get little rushes or anything.  I had amusement, but no more than if I was talking to one of my other friends.  I took this as a positive sign.  I didn’t stay up too late and thus we didn’t talk too long as I had to be up early for plans with C that day.

My day with C was fantastic, and we discussed the situation.  She restated her belief that it isn’t going to be as seamless as I planned, and I reluctantly had to agree.  But it was refreshing to not have an entire day’s worth of conversation centralized around S and the stupid drama that accompanies my liking him.  I seemed to have shaken him off and I liked it.

That night at my friend’s place I was discussing a movie with a guy and had the sudden urge to see it.  I went onto facebook and asked S if he had it, thinking maybe I could get him to copy it for me this week so I could watch it the following weekend.  He replied later saying no, and when I got home and was online we went back and forth on facebook talking about the movie, which seemed silly to me so I just messaged him on msn.  His demeanor was very cold, and finally at the end he said something rude and, imho, somewhat insulting so I basically shut down my laptop and went to bed.

I’ll admit I cried that night.  It wasn’t sad crying, but angry bitter tears.  I was so frustrated with the entire situation and the crap that goes with it.  It was the final straw, and in a way crying and getting it out of my system helped, yet made the situation worse.

I haven’t had a good cry since February 2008.  So before I let it happen I should have factored in that there would be ill effects from its release.  The result was that I woke up on Sunday and felt absolutely horrid.  I wouldn’t say it was a depression, but I just felt off-kilter.  My mood was blah, and I seemed to have this complete indifference to anything and everything.  Maybe morose would be a good word.  I did some errands and had a few phone conversations.  By dinner time that day I seemed to have shook it off and felt more like myself.  However since then I’ve found myself a little less emotionally guarded; I could probably cry again if I wanted now.  I’m not sure I’m happy with this outcome.

I suppose the good news is that I am too busy to obsess over S, and will probably be in the city for the following few weekends so I probably won’t be talking to him.  I moved him into my ‘people to ignore’ section on  my contact list.  It stays minimized, and I figure in that extent I’m following the ‘out of sight out of mind’ mentality.  Baby steps perhaps, but it helps.

You brain shall be your servant instead of your master, You will rule it instead of allowing it to rule you.” — Charles Popplestone


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