Dipole Moments

06Dec09

It’s been a week now, so I’m overdue on blogging about my trip and what happened.

For those who don’t know me personally, I took a trip to one of the States to visit a friend whom I’ve known for years.  For those who do know me, you may not know that him and I actually hooked up when he visited me years ago.  The visit was fun and we got along great, but there was this lack of definition to us; I didn’t want a long-distance relationship and he didn’t want one period (I secretly suspect he liked another girl more than me at that time).  We remained friends after he went home, and I ended up getting into a relationship a short while later so we drifted out of touch as most people do in those situations.

Being single again, my friend did invite me a few times to come back down, and I finally decided to take him up on the offer.  I’ll admit here I had sinister motives to this — I thought the time away might take my mind off things with S and being with a guy that I know I have chemistry with might be the final hurdle to push him out of my  mind.  My friend made it quite clear that he was open to a ‘no strings attached’ weekend, so it seemed win-win.

Err, not exactly.

I guess my subconscious is more enlightened than my conscious mind and could predict what was going to happen here.  For whatever reason I never specified to my friend exactly where I was going to sleep before I left, figuring I’d just sort it out when I got there.  Which was probably good since when he picked me up at the airport I was excited to see him, but when he hugged me …. nothing.  The drive back to his place we chatted back and forth, and it was a good flow.  But nothing.  I felt no chemistry going back and forth.  That night we hung out with his roomates, who are two of the most amazing guys I have ever met (other than my friend, of course).  The four of us went out to dinner and spent the night talking and playing games.  They went to bed and left us alone.  My friend said he’d grab me some pillows and a blanket, and I felt horrible.

Slept really good though.  Comfy couch.

The entire weekend was mainly spent with his roomates, sometimes with another couple.  It felt like one long continuous double date.  I mean yeah, there were times when it was just me and roomate #1 up late talking sometimes.  Other times I spent time with roomate #2 — in fact I would dare enough to bet that I spent more time alone with roomate #2 than I did with my friend himself.  But for the most part it was the four of us, and while I would join in on the reindeer games with the roomates and he would grudging do so also, it just always felt like a double date.

Which is probably why after a few days I started to feel uneasy.   He made a few remarks that struck me as a little weird and kind of made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  Not in a creepy Hannibal ‘I want to see how your insides work’ kind of way, but remarks that just made me feel really uneasy being around him without the roomate buffer.  For the last few days of the trip I would catch him staring at me too — constantly.  I could understand him doing it occasionally if I was talking, but I’d be just sitting there doing nothing and each time I’d look over he’d be either staring, or immediately averting his eyes elsewhere.  One time in the car I caught him and got self-conscious, asking what was up and he actually said ‘oh nothing, just staring at you in a creepy manner’.  Queue awkward silence for the rest of the car ride.

On the last night of my trip I think he figured that by then I’d have made a move.  The entire evening just felt so damn awkward.  I know I have used the word awkward at least seven times, but it’s the best word to describe the atmosphere.  I felt torn — a part of me was trying to get myself to surpass any mental barriers that may have been preventing my connection from my friend, and another part was kind of missing S.  I talked to him a bit the one night, but otherwise we’ve been pretty distant.   I couldn’t decide which way I wanted to go, so I tried to just leave it up to the forces of nature (or chemistry?) to decide how things would go.  I fell asleep curled up on the couch and my friend came over and took my feet, stretching my legs out and throwing the pillow over me.  He hesistated for a moment, as if deciding whether to kiss my head again (as he had done a few nights before), then left for bed.  I couldn’t sleep after that and laid awake on the couch for hours trying to figure out what is wrong with my brain.  I had a mini-meltdown when I realized it was all S-related, that I was so hung up on him that I couldn’t even have sex with another guy.  And though that may seem like a good thing to most people, it absolutely devasted me to come to this realization.  We have no future, and I can’t get the boy out of my head.

On the plus side, I’m still friends with the boy.  And his roomates both insisted that I -have- to come back and visit again later.  I might, we’ll see.  I get the distinct impression I might, depending on where my head is at.  I just find the entire situation sketchy — I have one boy who is absolutely great, who never hesistated to let me know he was interested or thought I was pretty/cute, found me charming and adorable, and would probably have treated me great.  And I couldn’t muster up any desire with him.  And yet I have S who is hot/cold, distant, I have no clue what he’s ever thinking, and he was the one I wanted.  Complete opposites, and my brain was so divided between what I knew I should do and what I wanted to do.  Sometimes I wish everything was like math:  right or wrong, black or white.  No grey areas thanks.

There is no more miserable human being than one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision.” — William James

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3 Responses to “Dipole Moments”

  1. 1 i

    Double ouch.

    Why didn’t you two just have a talk?! Just because he was a no-strings guy doesn’t mean communication is unnecessary!

    *facepalm* Between this and Mysterio the Mysterious Guy down in Texas, I’m starting to think you may have a bit of a laissez faire problem. Good things just don’t fall into (or on) people’s laps! :p

    • 2 keewt

      I’m lazy, what can I say? 😛

      I don’t really know how to have a conversation with a guy and say ‘oh hey, I think it’s GREAT that you’re into me but .. yeah, not feeling it’. I know if someone did that to me, while I wouldn’t be devastated, I’d probably be crushed. Factor into it the fact that he invited me down, I was staying at his place … it would have made the entire situation even more awkward imho.

      If I hadn’t thought in the least that there was the potential for chemistry there I would not have accepted the invite. I think part of the problem is that it’s so rare for a guy to be so obvious about being into me that I don’t really know how to deal with it. And considering how oblivious I am to people flirting with me, visibly noticing means it’s pretty obvious. 😛

      • 3 j

        You say exactly that!!! And he is crushed, then he thinks about it. Finally, he realizes that the respect you gave him by being honest is better than the continued awkwardness of wondering how to act around you. Ergo, less awkward!

        It’s not any easier for guys… and wouldn’t you like S to have simply said, “Look, I like you, but I don’t think I like you enough to follow through.” (If that’s what his problem actually is)

        There’s enough craziness in chemistry already. Adding deceptiveness to the mix isn’t going to help matters.


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