Chaos Theory


Whenever I feel like I have things figured out, something happens to throw it all out of sync.

I had concluded last weekend that I was going to have to return to being friends with S, it was the only logical conclusion.  The way things have been for the last month are simply unacceptable, and instead of veering towards results I desire we seem to be going in the opposite direction.  If I’m not happy or getting anything from our arrangement, it seems silly to continue it.

For a few months there’s been talk between him and I about me raiding his hard drive for some files.  Last week I emailed him to get together on Friday but he was unable.  When I got home Monday I decided to take initiative and sent him a message asking if Wednesday would be good.  He replied saying sure.  So I woke up early and headed over to his place.

At first it just felt … weird.  No other word would summarize it.   I was still half-asleep and not the best conversationalist.  The process of transfering the files onto burnable media was taking longer than we thought, so he played some games while I watched and tried to stay awake.  After awhile we were onto Rockband and he dragged me into playing.   Oddly instead of his usual picking on me he was actually kind of supportive about it, though he did make a small joke about my ‘medium’ level caliber.  I still maintain, it’s improvement for me.

I didn’t get everything I needed, and on the way out I asked him about a book he was reading.  This started a whole conversation that lasted a few minutes.  On the way out he told me about how messy his apartment was; I replied stating he should see mine sometime.  He told me about how he cleaned up before I got there, showing me how much stuff he threw out.  I know on some level I should have been disgusted, but I found it kind of cute and endearing since it showed he put some effort into it.   I told him we should hang out sometime soon, and we both agreed to do so sometime in the next few weeks.

This weekend is out, for obvious reasons.  I’m faced with a bit of a conundrum here, being that I’m going to spend the weekend with a wonderful guy with whom I am friends.  He proposed the ‘no strings attached’ angle for the weekend and I still haven’t told him yes or no about what is going on.   I figured I’d just leave it until I got there and see if we have any residual chemistry from the past.  If so, great.  If not, also great as I’m sure we’ll have a good time.  I am just resistant to saying I’m going to do something when there is a risk when it comes to follow-through.  Misleading is lame.  The problem now is that yesterday I was super excited about this whole trip and the idea of reconnecting, but now … I’m not entirely sure.  I’m going to just leave this as a ‘play it by ear’ situation and not get too obsessed about it.

I went for lunch today with a girlfriend; one of the types of friends who are married and thus try to live vicariously through their single friends.  I don’t say this to be mean, she actually tells me this is what she is doing.  So when we get together to eat it’s like I feel this obligation to fulfill.  When she got into the car, first thing she asked was if I had gotten laid.  When I said no she was flabbergasted, and I told her I would explain later over food.  And she listened, and thought it all over.   And in the end she could only offer one piece of advice:  I have to be the one to make the decision.

I discussed with her my confusion as of late about what I want with S.  There are three options that are available to us, and I’m honestly no longer sure which one I want.  S is a complicated person, and while being friends with men generally leads me to some insight about how their brain works with him it’s a complete mystery.  Each time I think I have him figured out he throws me a curve ball and I’m back in the land of confusion.  One of the major issues I have with him is that he can tend to lie, and the irony about this is that how truthful he’s been with me is what always attracted me to him.  He’s been known to weave some stories at work, and I always found it ironic that he never fed any of these to me.  My friend postulates that S does this with others because he feels he needs to in order to be more accepted or liked.  So when I told her that he really doesn’t lie with me, she suggested that it’s probably because he feels comfortable being himself around me.  Fair enough.  She followed this up with the belief that ‘maybe I bring out the best in him’, to which I gave her an eyeroll.  I told her how I am not stupid enough to believe that I can change a man, or that a man will change if I am with him.  Sure maybe he’s different with me, but I’d be a fool to think it’d be permanent.  She agreed.

And so did our waitress, who was eavesdropping.

My friend ended up concluding three things:  (1) that I like S (duh), (2) that S likes me (skeptical on this still), and (3) we need to be on the same page.  I was going to have ‘the talk’ with S today, but C convinced me it’d be better to wait until after my vacation to have said talk.  I agreed, but talking with my friend I really wondered if it was the right choice.  My enthusiasm for the trip had died a bit, though not significantly.  At work tonight S and I had to significantly more contact than usual, and each time we saw each other he had a smile on his face and was joking with me.  When he walked out the door, I noticed he turned back to glance at me before walking away.  That made me smile.

I’ve had this issue where I’ve noticed that our interaction at work is very mechanical when others are around.  I’ve always blamed him for this, but I’m starting to think it’s related to me.  I think maybe he’s just mirroring my attitude around him, being that I seem to have this stupid hang-up about people knowing we’re even friends.  But tonight, being alone in the room together it was like how we are outside of work.  It was peculiar, but illuminating.  So I think I’m going to strive to be more friendly towards him in the workplace, see how it goes.

But going back to the decision issue, my girlfriend was quite clear that I have to be the one who decides what our status will be:  friends, friends with benefits, or something else entirely.  Apparently if I let him make the decision then I am letting him be in control of the situation, which means that forever in his mind he’ll think that he was the one that made the call.  If I wanted to be friends but didn’t say that and instead told him to tell me what he wants to be, then I’m technically letting him make the decision.  She was quite clear that I have to be firm, and outright state ‘I have been thinking, and I want us to be _______’.   Otherwise I’m just going to pump up his ego further, and oy.  He is the perfect definition of Id.  I really need to get him out of my head or just suck it up and do what needs to be done.

In the meantime, maybe sex this weekend.  Maybe.  We’ll see, chemistry and all that jazz.

To be uncertain is to be uncomfortable, but to be certain is to be ridiculous.” — Chinese Proverb


2 Responses to “Chaos Theory”

  1. 1 i

    This post started out so well… and ended up so full of crazy.

    And girls wonder why guys are always worried whenever a sentence starts “I’ve been talking to my girl friends, and…”

    • 2 keewt

      This weekend has been really good for perspective, and not in the way that you’d probably imagine.

      There will be significantly less crazy in the next post, I promise. Much more insight/reflection.

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