Conscious vs. Subconscious

18Nov09

While my conscious mind may have come to some resolution about the S situation, it appears that my subconscious isn’t quite over the entire ordeal yet.

I’m not the type of person that dreams normally, but for the past few weeks my brain seems to be in a REM hyperdrive.  I wake up each morning feeling better rested, but also with glimpses of wherever my brain happened to be that night.  Sometimes they involve friends, sometimes family, but the most common theme as of late has been S.  This morning I woke up to a dream in which we were doing laundry.  I opened the lid of the machine and we both looked in, seeing a load of whites.  I picked up a sock and noticed that the sole was practically black.  S looked at me and said ‘don’t you know how to do laundry? you’re supposed to get the stains OUT’.  I shrugged and dropped it back in, restarting the wash cycle.

I know there is probably some symbolism somewhere in there, but it’s not really jumping out at me at this time.  Is the act of doing laundry depicting us in a domestic situation?  Is the sock refusing to be cleaned and us talking about it representing the big dark cloud over us?  Personally I just think it’s my brain being stupid weird again, and telling me I need to do laundry.

One of my friends called me tonight to talk about what’s going on in my life.  As of late I’ve not been really talking about the S situation as part of my whole ‘getting him out of my mind’ routine.  However she distinctly asked about him, and didn’t buy into my shrug-offs and attempts to change the subject.  She kept pushing about it, so I unloaded my thoughts about the situation.  She tried to be the supportive friend for a few minutes, but then she reverted back to her usual statements about how we’d be a good pair, how we’d be so cute together, etc..   She’s always been a supporter of that idea, and even after listening to me talk for ten straight minutes about how he was pretty much a jerk the last time we talked she still believed that.  So I pulled out the big guns and told her what he said to me.  At that point, she seemed to shift her focus a little more.   Shortly before hanging up the phone, she said to me “I like the idea of you two, but you deserve a good guy who treats you right — all the time”.  She also threw out there the idea that maybe I should scrap trying to be his friend at all; just call it a loss and move on.  I’m not sure how I feel about that one just yet.

Another amusing dialogue, chronicled while talking to C:

k:  oh, I told her how he made a remark about wanting to spank me
k:  and she sighed and said ‘oh k’
k:  and I was like ‘what?’
k:   she replied ‘you know that is a boy hitting on you, right?’
k:  and I was like ‘yes, but I was mad at him so too bad’
k:  and she laughed
k: and I laughed
k: shared moment

So .. yeah.  While my conscious mind is moving on and past the idea of being with S as anything other than friends, my subconscious seems to have a different agenda.  Maybe it knows something?  Or maybe it’s just working against me.  Bah I don’t know anymore.  All I know is three people have told me that I need to make a decision on what I want, and I need to get out of the fwb situation.  What choice does that leave me?  Dating, or friends, or being nothing at all.  I’m not sure how I feel about any of those scenarios, and I’m definitely clueless about how he feels about any of them.  At times I wish he read this blog and knew what I was thinking, but then I’d probably be mortified that he knew what I was thinking.   Oh the drama.

Dreams are today’s answers to tomorrow’s questions.” – Edgar Cayce

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