One Half of -2

16Nov09

layingSo I am part way through my self-imposed Chaos-free period.  One of my self-imposed changes to my life was to be more social; as a geek I find it sometimes hard to integrate myself into social circles and make new friends.  Because of this I made a rule for myself that I was going to push myself to be more social and get out more to do things with others.  So when a buddy of mine extended an invite to his cottage for the weekend with some other people, I didn’t hesitate to say yes.

It’s not very often in my life that I look back on an experience with zero regrets, but this is one of those situations.  I ended up giving a ride up to the cottage to a girl I barely knew, and two hours in a car together we found we had a lot in common and had some very interesting and insightful conversations.   The Saturday afternoon was a little weird, since most of us barely knew one another, but the ice gradually got broken and by dinner time we were all laughing and having a great time.  Good food, great wine, wonderful conversation.  After dinner everyone had a few drinks while playing some games that resulted in a slew of laughter-induced tears.  I was bunking with a couple of the girls and we were up until the wee hours chatting away and giggling like we were kids at a sleepover.  I had to cut-0ut early today for last-minute plans, but until the moment I left I had a splendid time.  I’d do it again, in a heartbeat.

As for today, my sister and my diet-bro (bro-in-law) decided to pop in for a last minute visit since in the area.  We met for dinner, then headed back to my place and walked to rent a movie.  Sometimes things feel strained between my sister and I, but this weekend we seemed to be on the same wavelength which was good.  Later after the kids went to bed I popped online to chat with some friends.  A guy I know in the city asked me if I’d be interested in joining him and some friends for a poker night.  I tossed the idea around for a bit, then told him absolutely if I was free.  All in the name of self-improvement after all.  Surprisingly when I mentioned this to C she seemed stoked about it.  Diversification and all that jazz.

I had an interesting dialogue with C today in regards to stability and sanity in people.  I asked her to be honest and answer whether she thought at times I might be unstable.  I have to admit that I was surprised when she said I didn’t seem to be unstable at all.  I would have figured with the ups and downs, likes and dislikes that are associated with S that she would have surely thought I was crazy.   I’m at a stage in the game that I’m tired of the wave, the up and down.  I want a change and finality to things.  While I said I wanted to return to friends, C suggested maybe I should let things just keep going downwards, see what happens.  While an interesting idea, I’m not sure exactly how comfortable I am with the spiral.  I genuinely want to salvage my friendship with S, I’m just not sure of exactly how to do this any more.

One weekend down, one more to go.  This weekend will consist of visiting the parental units, with plans already loosely set for my Saturday.  While it’s a familial weekend I’m still kind of stoked; other than seeing my sister this weekend it’s been over a month since I’ve seen anyone else.  And yeah, it sounds sappy but I miss my dad and after this weekend I won’t be seeing them until the Christmas holidays.  As an added bonus, the distance guarantees me another weekend of not seeing S.  This means I have another week in which to strategize how exactly I’m going to go about having the conversation.

The topic of ‘the talk’ actually came up a few times over the weekend, and a few ideas on how to go about were suggested.  The original plan consisted of my playing videogames with S so that we are somewhat distracted, and I simply state that I don’t think the arrangement is a good idea any more.  This works off the belief that (a) he will be distracted and just agree, and/or (b) he really won’t care to argue the point.  Another version of the plan consisted of my scripting the conversation I want us to have that would consist of the following:

S:  I think we should go back to just being friends.

k:  I agree completely.

S:  I think we should date instead.

k:  I don’t think that would be such a good idea.

S:  Fair enough.

End of dialogue.  It would solve all scenarios pretty neatly in one bunch, being that it retracts the friends with benefits and eliminates the possibility of dating, leaving friends as the only other possible option.  The issue this does raise is how to go about the script — one option was to email his lines to him with a short blurb stating “don’t ask, will explain later just remember these”, another was to print it out and throw it in his lap for him to read from.  The third, and my favorite, involved the use of cue cards that I would hold up.  At least it would make the situation kind of humourous ….

Who am I kidding, none of these scenarios with (a) solve my problem, and (b) ensure friendship.  Plus there is one factor that, as a scientist, I do have to recognize and consider:  what if S actually likes me?  Though I’m skeptical of this, I can’t outright disregard the possibility.  It would rationalize his hot/cold, being whenever we start getting close he pushes away (feeling vulnerable perhaps?), and why the other weekend he resorted back to grade school antics of smashing me with a pillow and picking on me.  He was uncomfortable and unsure of what to do, and went back to his failsafe from years ago.  While even typing this it feels like I grasp at straws, it’s still something I have to recognize as a possibility.   Unplausibly …

That being the case, if the topic of dating ever came up and I slammed it down I might destroy any chance of salvaging a friendship.  By tweaking my buddy’s theory about inter-gender relationships to postulate that removing the possibility of romantic progress from your interactions might actually remove the purpose of the guy being your friend.  If the possibility of dating just disappears, there isn’t much of a point to the guy staying your friend.   It’s another angle I have to consider, meh.  I’m starting to find this whole situation a hassle.  On one hand I don’t want to be ‘the girl’ and force him into having a conversation to rectify the issues in the fwb arrangement.  But on the other hand I don’t really want to do anything that is going to destroy a friendship.   But if I leave things as they are, when he keeps associating alcohol with having sex with me, I’m going to end up resentful.  Maybe I’m already resentful.

Or maybe I’m just tired.  Past my bedtime, time to stop these rambles.

“Strategy requires thought, tactics require observation.” – Max Euwe

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