Dissociation Constants


blueThis weekend turned out to be busy and informative.   I finished off my class, and wasn’t surprised to find one topic that was covered in the material to actually find its way on to the final:  dissociation and disintegration limits.  It was rather predictable for it to end up there, but what I wasn’t expecting was for the theory to translate outside of the classroom and into my life.

Before leaving for class I logged in to my computer to check my email.  During this time S messaged me to ask why I was up so early.  We went back and forth with our usual banter until I was about ready to leave, at which point I asked if he had plans for that night.  He said no, and knowing I’d likely be home a little early I asked if he wanted to hang out later.  He said sure, so I skipped out and headed off to class.

When I got home that night I spent some time relaxing on the couch before grabbing a shower, then returning to said couch while continuing to relax and have a few drinks.  One of my girlfriends calls to chitchat and during this time S messages me, I tell him I’m on the phone and to give me a bit of time.  He gets annoyed and says I’m boring him and he’s heading off to do something else.  It immediately sours my mood when he turns into an ass like that, so I end up leaving him a pissy message stating I wasn’t trying to get into his pants that night, I just wanted to hang out as platonic friends.  After that, he said he would be on his way over in a few minutes.

When he arrived  I was already kind of buzzed, and he caught up pretty quick.  We kept drinking and playing video games.  I started to fall asleep and he startled me awake.  You’d think that would be a hint for him to leave so I could sleep, but instead he insisted on staying.  He called me a pussy, which started to get on my nerves when he used it at least ten times over the course of the night in reference to my fatigue, my desire to no longer drink, and my visible annoyance at him repeatedly hitting me with a pillow.  It was cute at first, but got old rather fast.  So much so that I actually grabbed a pillow and slammed it into his head when he was distracted, which resulted in a massive pillow fight involving the floor and the two of us rolling around.  Which sounds like it should be fun, but I only seemed to be getting my frustrations out.

He did a few other things that seemed to be pushing me towards making a move for sex, but I just didn’t really want to do it.  He said a few things that left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth.  He spent most of the night reverting back to his old ways, where he spent more time picking on me than having actual conversations.  He also kept calling me ‘lippy’ and threatening to smack me.   Oh, and he started with the lying again.  The whole situation just seemed tense and uncomfortable, but I can’t figure out why since he’s the one that triggered it all.  I made it very clear I wasn’t trying to get laid, and it seems like that proclamation triggered something in him that resulted in behaviour I don’t exactly enjoy.

I think the icing on the cake was when he left, he was just standing there at the door like he was expecting for me to say or do something.  So I did — I asked if he was planning to walk home.  He said probably and left.  The reason I asked is because I knew he was pretty intoxicated still, enough that he shouldn’t drive home.  I assumed he’d have the common sense to realize that, I mean he could pick his car up after work the next day.  But no, he had to be ‘the man’ and drive his car home.

So after all this stuff, I’m just … I’m done.   I don’t have issues with being his friend, but I don’t want to try and be anything more than that.   His behaviour and his attitude on the weekend reminded me of how he gets; whenever we start to get close it’s like he realizes it and he starts doing things to drive a bigger distance between us.  Rinse, lather, repeat.  I’ve been here and done this, and I’m being sensible and realizing I want off this train.  I wish I could say that if he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow and did some crazy proclamation that it would change my  mind, but I’m just not sure any more.  The hot and cold just bother me too much, and I’m tired of having this feeling like I’m not good enough in his eyes, like he feels he’d be settling if he was with me.  Because yeah, sorry.  I know I’m a good catch, and if he can’t recognize that then tough tamale.

Ironically we had our first conversation at work in about a week tonight.  He came by to see me.  He tried to joke and be charming, and I just kind of stared at him.   I don’t understand that boy and I never will, but I’m starting to be okay with that.

It is circumstances (difficulties) which show what men are.”  — Benjamin Disraeli


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