X and Y


bangI’m not a huge fan of math, but I’m not exactly a huge hater of it either.  When I was in highschool I found myself in a very passionate and dangerous relationship — with differential equations and advanced calculus.  There was something to be said for ability to create a derivative of a linear equation and be able to resolve for x and y at any given point.  Using a derivation you could not only isolation for x and y, but also determine the type of curve, inflection points .. information was abound!  It was a whole new world of mathematics that I had never dreamed existed, and I fell hard for it.

But as I progressed on to university and continued studying calculus, I found that my previous passion for it had somewhat disappeared.  Did it still move me?  Absolutely, but it didn’t rock my eighteen year old mind as much as it had that of when I was seventeen.  Some of the magic got lost, and maybe it was because I picked up a very natural way with it.  Even if I didn’t understand -how- I was resolving for x and y, I generally got the right answer.  My friends would look at my answers and ask how I got them, and I’d just shrug and state that it just came to me like that.  And while such a statement from my lips created bitter jealousy in them, it just left me feeling empty.  It wasn’t the same as it was a year before; it got to be easy and predictable, and in that I could look at the problem and figure it out without having to put any real thought into it.   The challenge wasn’t there, and because of that figuring out exactly what x and y were lost its appeal.  My love affair with math ended quickly after that.

As I mentioned in a previous post, things with S (chaos) and I took an interesting twist on the weekend.   Despite his actions the following night, we didn’t really spend a good deal of time talking that week so I assumed that what we said, what had happened, what had become our new ‘status’ was possibly just a miscalculation on my part.  Many people say things while they are intoxicated that they normally wouldn’t, and I find people are generally more agreeable.  And while he seemed to think that the whole fwb idea was a good one, I kept going back to when we were in bed and he suddenly just pulled away out of nowhere.  Something about it kept nagging me, and in the end the only thing I could figure is that it was his subtle indirect way of telling me that it wasn’t something he really wanted.  I’m a big girl, I can take the truth.

But here’s the thing I don’t understand … well, there are a few.  One thing I noticed is that he has taken to commenting on my facebook status messages more often.   On Saturday, bored with my self-imposed healing period I did something that might qualify as borderline internet stalkerish when it comes to facebook — I actually went to his profile page.  My newsfeed (livefeed?  whichever) updates me with status messages, friendings, photo tags, etc .. but only it involves that person, or two people who are both on my friends list.  So it got me wondering if maybe he’s a chronic status message updater, like some people I know.  I scrolled down the list and noticed that mine appeared to be the only ones he’s been leaving messages on.  Ooookay.   Scrolling through his messages I realized that each of them made sense to me, even if they are somewhat cryptic for other people.  One was a line from Entourage, which is a show that I love and he recently started getting into.  And the most recent one was an update saying where he was hanging out that night in Toronto.

I’m going to reiterate here that I am -not- a vain person, so I don’t think the universe revolves around me and go searching for things that are not there.  The only reason this one caught my attention was because last weekend we talked about what we were doing the following week, and I said a party and clubbing in the downtown area of the city.  He said he might do the same thing, and ironically that’s what he did, and what his facebook told me he was doing.  As if this wasn’t clear enough, he made sure to comment on my status to let me know what he was up to at least.

I was about to head to bed and I got a message from him, asking if I would be willing to come and pick him up.  While this amused me a little (since I told him about how I had considered asking him to pick me up drunk a few weeks before), I probably would have actually done it.  But then he started being less discreet and started making remarks about paying me in sexual favors.   I replied to his message indicating that it wasn’t necessary, but he kept pushing it.  And then he started backpeddling, saying that he didn’t really need a ride, or wanted to leave his  car down there .. and I started losing my patience.  Then he went back to saying things he’d like to do to me.  Typical S crap.  I told him to cut the cryptic stupid boy crap and to just tell me what he wanted.   He told me sex, a booty call.   And honestly, the direct answer was refreshing.    He said he’d be sober enough to drive in a few hours so he’d stop in on the way home.  I said fine, and that the door would be open.

Surprise of all surprises when he didn’t show up.  I sent a message, and he later replied that he fell asleep.  He seemed somewhat apologetic, but meh.  I kind of predicted that this was going to happen, because it seemed the only logical course of action.   For one, the guy was drunk, and the only time he seems to initiate things with me is when he’s got alcohol in his bloodstream.  Two, if he actually showed up it means he would have actually had to fulfill his word.  Part of me think that’s the game is part of the fun for him, and that when I told him to cut the crap it probably ruined his fun at that point.  The thing with S is that he’s great at saying what he’s going to do, but not so great in the follow-up.  And while normally this wouldn’t have bothered me in the grand scheme, I think the fact that he failed to follow through .. again .. it just left a bitter taste in my  mouth.

I’m not saying that I cannot be fuckbuddies with S, because I honestly think I can.  But I honestly don’t see the failure of this whole endeavor falling down to emotions, as it normally does in these situations.  Instead I think it’s going to be that I’m just going to get fed up of waiting around for him to get his shit together and actually do what he seems to want to do.  We are not in a relationship and I am not his girlfriend; I’m under no obligation to put up with this stuff.  And honestly I was damn horny last night and had plans of my own should he happen to show up on my doorstep.  So waking up in the morning still sexually aroused and without an output?  And knowing why?  I was not the happiest girl on the planet.

So here’s my problem when it comes to S .. he’s becoming too predictable.  His messaging me on Saturday, I guess that threw me for a loop because I wasn’t actually expecting that.  But I guess it irks me that without even trying I knew that he was going to not show up.  A part of me wishes he had proved me wrong .. well multiple parts do actually.  But he seemed to be doing so good at going outside of his normal pattern that suddenly falling back into it … well it just pissed me the fuck off.  It feels like being in that calculus class again, staring at the question and writing out all the answers without even thinking about it.   Except in this case it is ‘if S says a, then x = procrastination and y = fail’.  And it seems to be the frequent answer.

Adding to my whole disgruntledness about the situation is that I don’t even know what the hell to say to the guy now.  I finally sent him a reply (8 hours later) to the sleeping message, stating I figured as much and no worries.  But now I wonder if I’m just condoning it.  I mean yeah, I understand shit happens, and honestly I’d rather the dude sleep it off than get into a car still drunk and drive here.  But I guess for me a simple message like ‘hey getting sleepy, don’t think I’ll make it’ would have gone a long way to help this situation.   I don’t have the urge to rip him a new one, but I just don’t really know what to say … ?  Hrmm.  Raincheck?

I guess another factor in this whole scenario is it leaves me wondering if he ever was planning to pop in.  Was getting me to agree to a booty call just a boost to his ego?  The concept that I’m serving as a confidence booster does not rub me right at all.  It also brings up the whole issue of me feeling like I can’t trust him at times.  Ironically I have no qualms about fucking a guy I can’t trust, I can’t even imagine how Freud would love that one.  And I’m not one to sit around waiting for a guy forever.  So far this is twice he’s agreed for us to do stuff and ended up contacting me way too late when it comes to follow through.  I’m not employing a three-strike rule here, but at the same time the guy does not have endless ones either.  Things are going to be interesting, and probably going to have to change a bit.  Ugh.

“Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to.”  — Alfred A. Montapert


3 Responses to “X and Y”

  1. 1 i

    This blog is a clearer picture.

    Boys are crazy.
    But so are girls.
    By definition, I think pretty much except yourself is crazy.

    Good luck!

    • 2 keewt

      Is that supposed to be a haiku?

      Are you saying I’m not crazy?


      Btw, nice i 😛

  2. 3 i

    No that’s not supposed to be a haiku! (Though I did read a good article on why we can’t have nice haikus in English, being that’s it has been run through the thresher for utilitarian purposes and had all its interesting bits stripped away)

    That was the general “yourself”, not you. :p
    I.e. everyone except “I” is crazy, from every one’s perspective.

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