teddyThe term ‘bioequivalence’ is one that my professor tosses around quite often in my course. The general concept of the word is that if you were to create a new product that is supposed to be a replicate or (as called in the pharmaceutical industry) ‘generic’ compound.   For something to be considered bioequivalent then it needs to be identical to the original compound in a whole variety of ways.  Chemical structure, functional groups, melting points, solubility, absorption rate … all these are factors that need to mimic those of the original product either at 100% or within a 10% range in order to pass testing.  This is very important criteria for people who work in R&D because you have to make sure your product along with the steps used in its synthesis can easily be reproduced.  Otherwise you end up just wasting years and millions on something that will never make it to market.

My self-induced single status has been going for almost 1 year and 9 months now, which is pretty sizeable in the grand scheme of things.  My history usually denotes significant relationships that last greater than two years, so the times in between those are usually a year, 18 months max.  I think the irony is that, for the most part, I don’t necessarily miss being in relationship.  Well no, that statement is not entirely accurate.

There are two situations in which I find I miss having a partner:  (1) select social engagements, and (2) when I am feeling ill.

(1) Generally relates to circumstances where it’s assumed you would bring a date.  Situations like these are family dinners, social outings where all the other people are in couples, some events or parties, etc..   And while normally this wouldn’t have posed a significant problem for me in the past, recently it seems like all my friends are now engaged in relationships.  So if I plan to go out to dinner with friend (a), then odds are they will bring their partner.  Which isn’t problematic, except for the fact that I usually end up feeling like a third wheel.  I remember my one friend inviting me to a party he was throwing, and he outright told me ‘bring a boy you like, we need balance’.  I asked if I had to like the boy, and he said it would be preferable.  Later he asked me to bring a date to his engagement party, as to not make things awkward for my ex and his wife who would also be attending.  I didn’t attend the first party, and I attended the engagement party solo.  And while it wasn’t a complete catastrophe going on my own (since there were cute single guys to talk to …) I will admit there was a bit of a feeling of being left out at times.  Why is there so much pressure to be paired off?  And why is it that as soon as single people get into a relationship they forget about how annoying that stigma is?

Moving on.

(2) is the one of most interest to me right now, seeing as how I have spent the last 5 days recovering from what can only be described as the plague.  I don’t think I have ever felt this ill in my life, and I had pneumonia when I was nine.  So much so that I actually took time off work, which is something I loathe to do.  And while I  was feeling tremendously like shit, the absence was more to prevent it from spreading to my coworkers than for rest purposes.  Sleep has been a rare commodity, and usually only last for a few hours at  time these days.

But here’s the thing — while I would avoid work in order to not get my peers sick, I would have no qualms about having a boyfriend come over and take care of me.  I consider myself to be a very self-sufficient and independant creature, but there is something about being ill and feeling sick that turns me into this miserable clingy creature.  When it’s been 20 hours since my last nap and I can’t sleep, the coughing feels like it’s tearing up my throat and I’m fighting to keep my stomach contents down … I cried.  Very emotional and out of the ordinary for me.  All I wanted in that moment was for someone to sit next to me and stroke my hair, tell me in a soothing voice that it would be okay and pet me until I fell asleep.  It’s what I crave when I am ill — human touch, human contact.  Someone to temporarily make me forget about all the suffering, at least long enough so I can rest.

My last relationship with D, while filled with a slew of irregularities and mistakes of its own, was at least healthy in this one way.  Whether he was sick or I was sick, we were always there for one another.  When he was in the hospital, when he had the flu, or one of the (many) colds he fell victim to I’d always spend my free time with him.  And when I was sick, or had any other form of condition, he was always there in a heartbeat to make me soup, make sure I was staying hydrated, and most importantly, stroke my hair.  We didn’t listen to the other one suffer over the phone and go ‘hrmm, I think I’d rather not get sick myself …’.  It was never even a second thought for us; we just went.  It was a consistency and reassurance that I grew quite dependant on.

Earlier this year I found myself quite sick, twice with similar infections.  And I found it odd how in those moments I didn’t want my father, or my mother, or my sister, or anyone really other than my ex.  And at first I found the whole situation rather unhealthy, but then was able to pinpoint the whole thing as being that I missed having someone there.  I can live with being alone 95% of my free time, but for some reason being alone and sick is a combination that I can’t see to tolerate.  It makes me miserable and bitter, and generally emo.

Sometimes I wish there was a service you could employ to rent you a boyfriend, such as ‘I have a wedding to go to in two weeks, I just need someone who looks good in a suit and knows how to dance’.  Or, in situations like this where you just need someone to fulfill a particular need.  I know some people would say that such a service does exist and they are called ‘escorts’, but it’s not the same thing.  This isn’t a sexual thing.  It’s not an emotional thing.  It’s just a human thing, plain and simple.  Not everything can equate down to being a derivative of x, y, or z.  Not everything is simple, and apparently neither is my complex brain.

So I guess what it boils down to is that I would like a boyfriend, on loan, until Monday at midnight.  He doesn’t have to be a real boyfriend, just a bioequivalent form.  Previous experience and references aren’t particularly important, but are welcome if applicable.  Please email if interested.

“The only consolation I can find in your immediate presence is your ultimate absence” – Shelagh Delaney


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