The Speed of Light vs. The Speed of Thought

28Oct09

lightA strange thing happened on my way to bed last night.  While checking my email, watching some tv, and generally unwinding I received a message from Chaos.  It turned out he left work early that night, taking a vacation day and was spending it at home.  At first I didn’t really put much thought into it, and when the appropriate time came around I ended our somewhat pointless banter and retired to bed.

I’ve been rather ill for the last few days, and laying in bed tossing, turning and coughing my mind went back to a conversation on the weekend.  While he and I were negotiating things he had made the offhand remark of having a bunch of vacation days available and that he could take them off.  As I laid there I wondered ‘did he take this day off expecting me to spend time with him?’.  Another coughing fit took over, and figuring I wouldn’t be sleeping anytime soon I got up and rebooted the computer.

Immediately upon my logging on he messaged me.   I didn’t skirt around the issue and asked if I was supposed to ask him to hang out.  He replied with a simple ‘whatever floats your boat :)’, which is as cryptic as they come.  I let the issue drop.  Still unable to sleep we chatted for a few hours more before he decided to go do something else and I decided to finally try and get some rest (which still took a few hours to get there).  I realized while laying there that something had changed .. something shifted.

During our conversation there was our usual playful banter, and probably even some flirtation to be quite honest.  But then another peculiarity creeped up, being that he would occasionally give commentary on characters in whatever he was watching, discussing how hot or attractive they were.   I didn’t feel myself get jealous from it, but it did hit a raw nerve with me.  I’m not naive and believe that when I’m with a man that they no longer see other women.  I understand its their nature to see and rate them, whether they plan to bed them or not, it’s just the way men are programmed.  However I don’t think it’s particularly fair that I should have to sit there and listen to their verbal discourse about said hotness.  That’s just not cool.

And in that moment, flirtation aside, I realized we’re just friends.  We can make out, cuddle, fuck, do whatever we want as often as we want but essentially we’re only ever going to be friends, albeit with some limited additional perks perhaps.   It reaffirmed my belief that I would never feel like I’m good enough for S; I’d always be worried he’d leave me for another woman that is younger or hotter or something.  I’d never be one hundred percent comfortable in my skin, and honestly this is not something I’m willing to compromise.  I am actually happy with myself, though I would like to make minor improvements overall I don’t have any issues.  And with other men I am not insecure, just with him.  At first I assumed this was because I liked him, but now I think it’s just the way he is with me.  Which isn’t problematic, as long as you’re friends and nothing more.

I discussed this with C. this morning, stating that I think I’m going to have to shuffle him over into the ‘friends’ category in my mind.  In a way it kind of makes me sad, because I honestly think that we really do get along great.  But he doesn’t want a relationship, I don’t want a relationship, and even then I would never go into one expecting to change a person.  And I don’t know if I would want to anyway, everything about him is part of the charm that draws me to him.  But at the same time I know myself enough to recognize self-destructive when I see it.  I should know better.

On a related vein I was watching a series in which I’ve been somewhat addicted lately.  There are two characters in the show that have this undeniable connection, but they just can’t seem to actually get together.  They indulge their urges/emotions occasionally, but never actually take the plunge into being with one another.   Instead they choose to remain friends and keep their emotions in check.  Is this sane?  Probably not.  But is it effective?  Absolutely.  And people say that tv rots the brain.

So while I’ll admit that I do not love S, I do like him.  But I am getting out of it more and more each day.  And it’s probably easier to just like him and not do or say anything about it than to have to deal with more of his, well, chaos.  We can be friends, and maybe something more once in awhile, but never permanently.

In nature, the emphasis is in what is rather than what ought to be.” – Huston Smith

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