In the Name of Science

26Oct09

leavesI am starting to realize that alcohol is my kryptonite, except  in a sense it isn’t my weakness so much as an empowering agent.  Yesterday I woke up stupidly early in the morning before school and decided I was going to blog about things that were going on with the guys I have mentioned so far.  However I got distracted by a video game (typical) and never actually got around to writing the post.  I’ll abbreviate it into this post and then follow up with the events of the past 24 hours.

First off we’ll discuss i, who ironically I had mentioned to a friend the other day, saying ‘gee it’s been awhile since I’ve seen or heard from him’.  And poof!  Like magic the next day suddenly there he was, all chatty and talking about how much he had missed me, sending me random photos of Colorado (where he is this week).  I had to go to work and he said he wanted to call me when I got off of work that night.  Sure enough he was around when I got home, which surprised me, but we didn’t talk on the phone.  The funny thing is how I put things in perspective for him — he asked if I missed him and I said maybe, and he asked if I was being honest and I said it depends on the situation.  When he just recently disappears then I miss him a bit, but as time goes on and it stretches out it becomes an ‘out of sight out of mind’ situation.  He said he could respect that and would work on it, and to give the guy props he did leave me a few messages over the weekend.  Still as fun as he is, and as great as he makes me feel I just don’t see the long term connection he seems to want ever being there.  At this stage I view our interactions as a sexual thing, which is fine.  I just wish he could keep it in perspective and not try to mix romance in with the sex.

I had plans for Saturday night to spend some time with a buddy of mine, just grabbing some dinner and beers, then spend time checking out some new PS3 games.   At the last minute he cancelled, so I called up a girlfriend to see if she wanted to grab some dinner.  I picked up chinese and went to her place for a few hours where we did some talking.   While there she asked how things with going with S.  I told her, for the seventeenth time, that we were just friends now.  She eyed me skeptically and then asked if that was the truth.  I admitted I still like him a bit, but that going down a road that involves anything other than friendship would be a bad idea.  She asked what he thinks and I shrugged, because honestly I had no clue.  She laughed, then made some remark about how I’m going to end up with him some day.  Unlikely.

Awhile after I got home that night I booted up the computer, and as soon as I came online I had a message from him.  We talked back and forth for a bit, then decided hang out and maybe have a few drinks.  I picked him up and we grabbed some stuff then headed to my place.  A few drinks wasn’t exactly accurate, as there was some pretty hearty consumption of alcohol.   We were playing games, and then that got too complicated so we started talking.  I think the conversations is what made everything get a little weird, and sent the house of cards collapsing upon itself.

I threw out the theory my friend had about boys being friends with girls in order to sleep with them, and he agreed that it is absolutely true.  He went on to talk about how he is friends with girls he is attracted to, but when he’s no longer attracted to them he ceases to be friends.  I told him about the two exceptions I presented to B. and he agreed there are exceptions.  I made a remark about being tired of being the exception.  He told me of how he used me as an example to one of his friends of a girl who understands guys who like to game and get into tech stuff, I understand the inclinations and what comes with them.  His friend made a remark that he could never date a girl like that, but S figured that’d be perfect.  I mulled that in my drunken mind for a moment, at which point I blurted out ‘so I’d be a perfect girlfriend?’.  I think that stumped him.

There were a few things that came up that I found interesting.  He went on a little speal about monogamy and the evilness of relationships, but then said that if a girl said she was attracted to him he would probably date her.  Insert awkward silence … and then the topic just changed and moved on.  Somehow we ended up deciding to be friends with no limits, except for anal and oral.  I can’t remember exactly how that came about, but it did and I guess it opened the metaphorical floodgate of options of what could/would happen next.  We ended up discussing how we seem to have a lot in common, meaning either we’re good matches for eachother or we’re essentially the same person just in different gender forms.  My suggestion was that kissing would tell if there was anything between us, but it was concluded we would need to be sober in order for this to be an effective test.

We drank some tequila which pushed both of us into a state of being way too drunk and then we had to lay down.  In bed we talked some more, and came to realize we had some common interests both in and outside of the bedroom.  Another thing that was made abundantly clear is that we are both very introverted and submissive personalities, meaning nothing really ever happens.  Instead we laid there going back and forth over who should have to make a move, being that we each thought it should be the other person.  We ended up negotiating he would take control that night and I would the rest of the week.  Fair deal.

And then we fell asleep.

I woke up curled against him, one arm tucked up against me and the other around his waist.  I was running my hand on his arm, his hand was stroking my back.  I snuggled in closer to him and the petting kept going, I believe (and tequila makes things hazy and patchy) it started getting a little more intense, with some wiggling.  Then at some point we ended up kissing.  It wasn’t like the first time with the sex, which was really rough and kind of messy.  Which isn’t a bad way of kissing when it’s a precursor to sex, but I just remember in that situation the entire process feeling .. weird.  Looking back I think that was associated to the fact that I wasn’t really expecting it, and was so drunkenly out of the loop that I could barely stay conscious.   This time there was build up to the kiss, and I actually found myself somewhat nervous/anxious for it to happen and yet still wouldn’t actually take that plunge into doing it.  My geek gene is not dependant on my alcohol level and still rears its head.  What if I kissed him and he didn’t want that?  Rejection wounds the simple soul.

In this case when the kiss happened it didn’t feel weird to me.  I won’t lie and said that my body turned to fire or I heard angels singing, but it wasn’t weird or uncomfortable.  It did quicken my pace a bit and I wasn’t in a huge rush to break it.  All of the kissing, petting, pressing of bodies .. I thought for sure sex was the next step.  And then suddenly he broke the kiss and rolled onto his back and .. fini.  That was it, and I was left laying there going ‘wtf?’.  We talked a bit more (but not about that) before I rolled on my side, pressing my back against his side.  He eventually rolled over and wrapped his arms around me, spooning and we fell back asleep that way.  The next time he woke up was the time at which he left, very hungover and feeling pretty crappy.  I’d be lying if I said I felt horrible because honestly I felt perfectly fine …

… until I took a nap later and woke up.  Then ouch.

The ironic part of this entire situation is that despite the fact that a lot of really weird conversations were had, and some quite non-friendly acts occurred, it didn’t really feel abnormal.  When flashes of stuff would come back to me throughout the day I found myself giggling or smiling at the memory, where the last time things happened with us I found myself mortified or embarassed by what I remembered.  I do find myself wondering though if he’s one of those drunks that just agrees to whatever is said, not really weighing the pros and cons.  When I threw out the idea of no-limits friendship does he genuinely want that, or was he just agreeing because he was intoxicated?  I’m not entirely sure what that boy is thinking when sober, so intoxicated is a whole new ballgame.  Another weird thing was the fact that I felt more comfortable around him.  The first time I felt very self-conscious of myself, where this time I would drape my legs across his lap without second though, and when we went to bed I told him I was taking my pants off because sleeping in jeans is just uncomfortable.  And it didn’t actually make me feel all that weird, which was kind of surprising.  I was still somewhat self-conscious, but no where near the level I was a few months ago.  I think the platonic hanging out helped with that, made me feel more at ease about being around him.  Meh, too much thinking.

Before leaving my girlfriend’s place last night I mentioned if I was still awake around midnight I’d probably message S. to see what he was up to.  My friend called tonight to see what ended up happening, and when I told her he messaged me she was silent, and then started the laugh.  By the end of my (severely edited) story she was thoroughly amused and dishing out ‘I told you so’s left right and center.  It’s good to know my social awkwardness accomplishes something, even if it’s laughter on the part of my friends.

In a quasi-related sense I suppose I should blog about last weekend’s events since they could be viewed as being somewhat related.  I went to a birthday party for a friend’s boyfriend last Saturday and ended up getting entirely too intoxicated (even more than last night).  According to partygoers I was surprisingly fun, amusing, charming, giggly, fun and cute.  As we were leaving the party however I did a foolish thing — my buddy was trying to round all of us up and I made a remark about how I was horny and we should have sex.  As if that wasn’t bad enough apparently I said something along the lines of ‘you are not random coworker dude, but you’ll do for tonight’.  I still cannot believe I would say something like that, but I was under the influence of copious amounts of tequila so who knows.  He was a gentleman, and though what I said was partially in jest (because I actually was horny) he didn’t take advantage of my barely-conscious state.  Ironically when he found out the next morning that I barely remembered anything and probably would have forgotten about the sex he actually kicked himself a little bit.

So I guess that summarizes my escapades for the last two weeks.  I’ve concluded that (a) I need to drink less alcohol, and (b) I need to have more sex.  And let’s tack on (c) and (d) just for fun, being that I really shouldn’t drink around boys, and I’m going to have to be careful around S for the next little while.

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