A Night of Sin

04Oct09

dateSo last night was the date with Sin.   We went back and forth about the whole thing for a week, weighing the pros and cons about the entire engagement.  In the end we conceded to meet up and figure out whether the physical chemistry would pan out to match the keyboard chemistry.  Since the purpose of the meeting was to assess compatibility it is thus being viewed as a date.

Dictionaries contain a number of descriptions for date, and the most applicable would be the following:

  1. An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.
  2. One’s companion on such an outing.

Following this line of logic, I was out on a date last night.  This is my scientific proof.  Granted this means that any time I am alone with a member of the opposite sex it could technically be a date.  Thus for my own personal definition I require that the other party reciprocally acknowledge that it is a date.  Which it was.

I was about 10 minutes late due to subway issues, and then it took us another 10 minutes to actually meet up with one another.  Exchange of pleasantries, handshake, and then boom — awkwardness.  He wanted to go look for a game so we headed up to HMV and then Futureshop but with no success.  After that we decided to head down to an exhibit on Queen West.  Walking down it was super awkward conversations and once we reached Queen I asked if he wanted to take the streetcar.  He said he wanted to walk, and I did a double take since it is probably a 5-6 km hike .. each way.  But I  bit my tongue and we started the trek down to the other end of civilization.

The entire walk down there was a mess of periods of silence and forced conversations.  The crowds were insane and we kept getting separated.  At times I wondered if he was just using that as an excuse to be apart — yes, it was that amazing of a connection we shared.  It seemed that I was the one that kept pushing for us to talk and he was more comfortable walking for blocks saying nothing.  Because of this I ended up feeling like he just didn’t want to be there, which put me in a rather sour mood.  But I kept persisting, figuring if we were going to be stuck together for the next few hours it might as well be quasi-pleasant.

We reached our destination and observed the exhibit.  However once we got there Sin suddenly seemed like he’d rather be anywhere but there.  I ran into a few people I knew, made the introductions, and then we went on our way.  And then as we left, it was like a switch was flicked or something, because suddenly Sin changed.  He was suddenly rambling like crazy, cracking jokes left and right, and laughing.  A lot.  He became this totally different person and it seemed weird.  I know some part of me should have relaxed and had more fun, but at that point I think I was so worn out from the personality he showed the whole way down that I couldn’t fully enjoy the one he was showing on the way back.

We were supposed to have coffee during our outing but he was figuring it was too late in the night and he wouldn’t have slept.  He did keep pointing out Starbucks locations to me so that I could grab one, and I kept declining.  We were walking along the southside of Queen and I observed all the locations were on the north side.  So I joked that I refused to believe there would be none on the south end, and would only buy one if it was on our side of the road.  I think it was at Queen and University that we found one, insanely packed.  So no coffee was had.  As we found ourselves back near our starting point he asked if I wanted to skip the subway and have him give me a ride back to my car (which was parked at a friend’s place).  I contemplated the option for a bit, and in the end agreed to his offer as to avoid the insanely packed subway I endured getting downtown.

Walking to the car we continued to talk, and somehow the conversation actually turned to my experiences last year at the festival.   I told him the story about a friend of mine that lost his virginity in a car, and blamed the experience on me because I left without him.  This sparked a conversation about relationships, dating, the internet, and the decline of socialization with our generation.  People seem more content to spend time sitting on the computer discussing things with one another than actually going out and doing them, experiencing it.   He indicated that he rather enjoyed this shift in the way things were done,  and I stated how I found it sad as I find spending time in person discussing things with someone is infinitely more fulfilling than doing so via text.  He just shrugged, and I guess we agreed to disagree.

In that moment I understood his personality that night.   In his messages and emails with me he was always so verbose, so quirky and funny, and we clicked so well.  But when face to face suddenly he was more aloof, and not as chatty.  I understand the internet allowing people to be more themselves without the risk of rejection or being mocked.  Better put, on the internet if someone blows you off, life moves on.  If someone does so in real life, it leaves a bit more of a physical mark.  Which I think is part of the reason that his attitude rubbed me the wrong way from the start; it felt like a brush off, and considering I reorganized my plans that night in order to go on the date I felt like I was robbed of something.

So in conclusion I suppose I felt like the entire situation, though an experiment in the idea of actually going on a date, was pretty much a failure.    Sometimes I wonder if I’m cut out for the whole idea of dating in the old-fashioned sense, instead of just falling into a relationship casually by evolution of friendship into something more.  I don’t like the feelings of insecurity and awkwardness that comes with going on actual dates.  While yes, I guess there is something romantic about the idea of meeting up with a potential partner, trying to make yourself look woo-worthy, and fall into the unknown.  But I’m not sure the end results were worth it in this case.  I walked away early this morning with a bitter taste in my mouth about the entire experience, and instead think it did more damage than good.  While I wouldn’t say that I have self-esteem issues, I suppose I am a little delicate when it comes to matters of the ego.  And the atmosphere at the start of the night put a huge dent in my ego.  While I don’t expect men to fall over themselves in love with me, on the same token I rather expect to not feel like an unecessary evil.

Dating is tough, and overrated.  Definitely not for the weak.

“It’s all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he’s perfect.” – Mae West

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