Minimized Contact


blurThis weekend has been a rather productive one, in the sense that I have been putting effort (and focus) into upgrading my scientific education as a whole, which I’m sure will have effects on this blog at some point.  But!  As well as having been interested in regards to my brain-food, it has also been somewhat interesting in terms of my contact with boys.

After school I spent some time with C.  We picked up a guy friend of ours and went to a party that some friends were having.  I suppose it should be stated that I’m not a person who is very, umm, keen on human contact.  In a relationship I can be quite the cuddly person if we have a certain degree of trust and emotional attachment.  I don’t do so well at emotionless physical contact, but I have been working on trying to find a happy medium between the two.  A year ago I would have said that my hug tolerance level was somewhere around 1-2.  Right now I can say it’s somewhere between 3-4.  Probably closer to a 4.  I no longer cringe completely when a hug is given, and with some people I am comfortable with their touch or physical proximity without being weirded out.

Last night I had elongated hugs with one (M2) twice, which were nice.  For some reason his embrace takes me to this happy place in which I tend to zone out from my surroundings.  Maybe it’s the strength and grip if his embrace, or the massaging, but everything around me tends to phase out and all I focus on is the sensations.  It’s actually nice, because there are few moments where my mind goes blank and I’m immune to external stimuli … anyway, two hugs with him.  I hugged a few female friends, another guy friend (who actually observed “what, I don’t have to drag it out of you this time?” when I went to give him a hug), and the guy friend we picked up earlier who hugged while simultaneously cracking my back, repeatedly.  I seem less hesitant to initiate hugs now, but I wouldn’t say I’m completely comfortable with doing it with just anyone.

It was a long day and I was already tired, but hadn’t checked my email in two days so I turned on the computer to check it.  By logging onto msn I ended up talking with C for a bit, and then chaos messaged me.  We went back and forth, and he mentioned wanting food.  I wanted food too, and we agreed he would go buy food and bring it to my house.  We’d play some games, and then he’d leave and I would sleep.  It was a solid plan, but didn’t quite work out that way.

He did arrive with pizza and pop, as requested.  And as an added surprise, he brought cupcakes for us to eat.  Unfortunately I already ate cupcakes earlier that night, so I passed on them.  I cooked pizza and he played a game while I watched and drank a beer (a recently developed taste, and limited in its early stages).  We ate pizza and watched a movie, chatting and eating.  The irony of the pizza is he specifically bought one that was pepperoni only so I could remove it, which I did, but there was little bits of pepperoni under the cheese.  I realized this after being almost done a piece, and stopped eating it after that.  I think he felt bad, but we laughed it off.  We spent some time talking about trips, and he showed me some photos and told me stories about some of his.  We then decided to play a game that I assumed he’d grow tired of within a half hour.  To my surprise we played it for over three hours, after which he went home and I went to bed.

So here is the thing with chaos – hanging out the other night was different from what it usually is.  For one, I wasn’t actually expecting him to take me up on my invite, so his decision to shower and head over was rather surprising.  The fact that he bought the food and waved away my thanks for it was rather out of the ordinary for him.  His usual approach of mocking me was minimized, our conversation was enlightening and amusing, and playing games together was really fun.  We were laughing and trying to throw each other off, having a general good time.  This, to me, is how I always pictured things to be if chaos and I were to be friends and hang out.  So this was a welcome change compared to the last time where we couldn’t seem to figure out what to do, or the time before that where .. well yes, things happened.

The change in behavior has thrown me for a loop.  He seemed more like the guy I knew the first time we hung out, more genuine and less guarded.  He was joking around and we were laughing.  At one point I smacked him in the arm, and another he smacked me with a pillow.  He was flirting occasionally, which is something he hasn’t done in months.  It just felt like things were back to normal with us.   Later, I was partially kneeling on the couch, trying to figure something out with my controller and he sprawled out on the couch, shifting down towards my end.  He stretched out and his arm rested against my leg.

So here is my conundrum – in my mind, I have come to regard chaos as being just a friend again.  My friends quip ‘for now’, but whatever the timeline I have been pushing him out of the crush aspect of my mind and into a friends category.  We work together, and it’d be for the best.  And I have always been under the impression that his mind was in the same place, being friendship.  But now after last night — if it was any other man that was with me I would have sworn that his behaviour indicated interest in me.  But with chaos?  Everything with him is just constant confusion, and bouncing back and forth from one thing to another.  Nothing is ever linear, nothing is ever clean or simple.

I guess essentially everything has returned to normal for us.  I swear though, forever engraved in my memory will be his reaction to knocking a glass of pop over on my carpet.  He was so apologetic and looked remorseful, saying “I come to your house and I spill stuff and ruin your carpet”.  It made me laugh then, and still does now.  And the carpet is safe from the experience, regardless.

When I walked chaos out he told me he had fun, and to work on my game so that next time he’ll have better competition.  I said I’d work on it, but I would just rather play the sport than play the game again because I sucked.  He laughed and that could work, then left for the night.  So it appears he wants to hang out again, but as I’ve said .. erratic.  I guess we’ll see.

For me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity.” – Jean Dubuffet


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