The Answer to the Impossible

17Sep09

chalkboardIn life there are highs and lows, the good and the bad, the positive and the negative.  A scientist by nature and thus generally requiring proof of things, I find it ironic that I believe in karma.  It might be that I have seen karma in action, where my actions have had reactions to them, or as some people believe the thrice rule — for any ill you do to others expect to receive it in return threefold.  Yes, it happens.

Whenever I am at a crossroads in my life I find it usually involves men.  And it’s usually a good vs. evil choice, where there is one person who would be a better match, and another who would be, well, less perfect.  At various points it has been different people, and about a year ago it was the choice between one man who was all wrong and another that would have been all right.

Naturally, being a silly human creature I chose the wrong one.

When we became, ahem, “involved” the right man still made his feelings known.  As he stated, just because I was with someone else it didn’t mean that how he felt changed.  It would be uncomfortable at times, but I could never bring myself to actually to tell him to leave me alone.  But of course, over time he tended to drift away from one another.  It got weird.

Things ended with the bad guy, and a few months later the good guy happened to pop up on my messenger and we started talking, just casual stuff.  After about an hour of talk it ended up coming out that things with the other guy were over, and since then he has been working hard to make his presence known to me.  Well, maybe I shouldn’t say hard, or at least not imply that it’s been too hard of an effort since that would be inaccurate.

From this point on in my journal he shall be known as the imaginary number, i.  When talking about myself it will be ‘I’, and when discussing him, ‘i’.  The concept of ‘i’ in mathematics has always been one that facinated me.  For years in my educational journey I was told that it was impossible to resolve the square root of a negative number.  And then suddenly, in my grade 13 algebra course I was told that you can do this, by introduction of the imaginary number, i.  It was the simple answer to something that had remained a great mystery to me.  It made the impossible suddenly possible.  In a lame kind of way, it made me look at things in a different way.

And i is kind of like that.  No matter how much crap in life beats me down each time we speak he makes me believe in something better.  That I’m someone better, and that someone can appreciate me for who I am without being all weird and jerkish.  On one hand this is something I’m not accustomed to, and on another it’s something I wonder if I could grow to enjoy.  Considering I am naturally drawn to the wrong guy, it makes me wonder about being interested in the right kind of guy.  But then again, can you ever break your cycle?  My historical data indicates otherwise.

The only downside to i is the fact that he’s inconsistent.  He has a busy life, and for that he is in and out of mine with weeks in between with no contact.  Which actually doesn’t bother me too much, except for the fact that I never really know what his deal is.  Where on one hand I love to indulge in the idea of a genuinely sweet guy being as into me as he appears to be, but then the rational part of me says that it’s all an illusion, that no man is really -that- good.  Plus, I never draw them into me either.

Whatever the case will be, at least he makes me laugh and makes me smile.  Which as far as am I concerned are pros, and thus positive stimuli instead of negative.

Caresses, expressions of one sort or another, are necessary to the life of the affections as leaves are to the life of a tree. If they are wholly restrained, love will die at the roots.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne

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