The Value of One

07Feb10

Thursday nights are rough for me post-work seeing as how there are three television shows I’d like to all watch at the exact same time.  Because of this I have to make a tough decision, choosing one over the other two.  Sometimes one is a repeat, or even two, making the decision easier, but this is a rare occurrence.  One show has pretty much been sidelined, and another takes priority for some freak reason I cannot explain.

Tonight I decided to catch up on my Grey’s Anatomy and found the episode to be about average for what it is, hospital drama.  But there was one part at the end of the episode that got me thinking, where one of the character talks about giving up pieces of herself in the past until she wasn’t herself anymore and how she would have kept giving because she loved the man.  But how this time around, even though she loves this man more, she can’t start losing herself again, and in that she can’t give him these little pieces.  I summarize things poorly, so if you’re curious you can see the video here (and I recommend watching it, as it is very well executed).

This got me thinking about relationships as a whole, and if this is how all of them work.  Do we slowly give pieces of ourselves to our partner, a little at a time, until in the end we barely resemble the person we were when we met them?  I decided to poke C’s brain about it to see what she thought on the matter.  The end result was a pretty interesting exchange.

The best example I can come up with to explain this behaviour is how most people are with friends once they enter a relationship.  Usually at the very start things seem  normal, they spend quite a bit of time with their new partner but still talk to friends in order to gush about how great things are.  But as time progresses, like time being spent with their friends, the frequency of conversations begin to decrease.  Making plans with your friend gets harder and harder, and pretty soon you all but lose touch all together.  You find out this isn’t something with you specific, but has been happening with all their friends.  You chalk it up to them being sucked in the great relationship void, assuming they’ll return eventually following a trail of little bacon bits back to your doorstep.

So let’s throw out the notion that they aren’t just falling into a void, but over time they are naturally sacrificing things in their life.   When I asked C exactly how far she’d be willing to give up something for a partner her reply was nothing she’s close to.  But in my view friends are something you are close to, something important to you, and yet people frequently drift away from their associations when they find a partner.  Does this mean that people don’t value the price of friendship these days, or that the value of friendship diminishes over time?

Looking back over past relationships I can see how I’ve sacrificed parts of myself for whomever I was with at the time.  I’ve been guilty of falling into the new relationship void and almost completely abandoning most of my friends.   And I’ve made some pretty stupid decisions based on what I felt my partner wanted from me, whether they said it or not.  I think that once we start the ball rolling, once we give that first piece when someone asks it of us, we’re helpless to stop what will come next.  And what will come next will be giving up something else, and then something else, until in the end of things you almost seem like a different person.  You might not look like a different person, but you feel like someone else.

In an ideal world we would come to accept the people in our lives for who and what they are; we would not ask them to change a thing and would accept their flaws and imperfections as characteristics that make them unique and treat them as being qualitative.  In the real world humans are not perfect, and in our imperfect state we tend to be less forgiving of everything around us.  Don’t get me wrong because there are some things that should not be tolerable:  rape, murder, abusing children/pedophilia, etc.  But I feel at times like we expect too much out of people, and once they show that one little glimmer of flexibility in what they value or consider important, once they discard and sacrifice that first item, we become greedy and we keep taking until we’re satisfied with what is left over.  And it’s possible the other person won’t even realize what they’ve given up until later, when it’s too late to regain what’s been lost.   Even if what they’ve lost is themselves, essentially.

I think the irony of this situation is that it tends to roll both ways.  It’s not typically one partner doing all the taking and the other doing all the sacrificing; it’s a mutual sacrifice.  We give, they take; they give, we take.  It might not be a balanced 50:50 distribution, but there is some form of duality to the scenario in which the actions are reciprocated.  And maybe that’s part of why we expect partners to give things up, because we do with a somewhat liberal stance.   Going back to the friends analogy it might start with one person, but then it becomes two, and then maybe five.  Then people you normally spoke to daily have become weekly aquaintances, or maybe once or twice a month.  Quarterly?  Perhaps permanently exiled by that time.

This is part of why I hesitate so much in putting myself out there for a relationship.  The idea of being in a situation where I have to give up parts of myself again is just .. not something I feel ready to do.  It seems like I’ve spent the last two years rebuilding myself, getting back to where I was before my last relationship had begun.  I know I’m still not the same person I was then; I’m fatter, have longer hair, wear more make-up and buy more heels, play more video games, and have lost a certain amount of my wit over time.  But at least I feel as if I am a reasonable facsimile of who I was six years ago, enough of a substitute that I feel comfortable in my skin again.  Two years ago when I came out of shock and looked in the mirror I hated who I was looking at, whom I had become.  I wasn’t a bad person, but I didn’t feel like I was myself anymore.   Knowing I have a submissive personality and natural instinct to pleasing other people I carry this inherent fear that the next relationship I fall into will result in the cycle kicking back into gear.  All it will take is one thing, and then it will be all downhill from there on out.  You can’t fight nature; history has proven this time and time again.  I have proven this, time and time again.  And it scares me.

“The very essence of instinct is that it’s followed independently of reason.” — Charles Darwin


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Enzymatic Reactions

05Feb10

I find that an idle mind can be your worst enemy, and in that regard when I find mine to be immersed in particular thoughts it’s usually better to … divert its attention to something else.  In this regard, an iPod stocked up with hours of music is my best friend.  For the past few days while at work my iPod has been on near constantly whenever I have a free moment;  I figure this way if my mind is going to wander at least I am controlling where it is going to go.  All it took was five minutes at my desk on Monday, lost in a slew of thoughts of me to get fed up and cram the buds as deep as I could into my ears.  Loading up a playlist I immediately relaxed as I was able to soothe my mental aches.

One thing that I’ve noticed is how much I’ve associated certain music with certain people, namely exes.   For instance the band Barenaked Ladies, who is a musical ensemble that I have always loathed with a fiery passion, but was the favorite band of a guy I dated.  He tried to turn me on to them, but I just couldn’t get it to stick, and so we agreed to disagree on this topic.  One of their songs popped up on a soundtrack in my playlist and I quickly skipped through it — I really do hate that band.  But as soon as it started up I was reminded of R, which isn’t a bad thing necessarily.  He was one of my more stand-up exes, and now that we’re in the same gaming group we’ve actually been talking a bit again.  Casual, I assure you.  But there is no resentment, residual or otherwise.

On Tuesday I queued up the Garden State soundtrack.  I’m normally not a fan of mellow music but I loved the movie and how well the music meshed with the story, and in that I became a sucker for the soundtrack.  And listening to it used to always remind me of the movie, but then when undergoing my post-D recovery I listened to it quite a bit.  Now any time I hear any song from that soundtrack I automatically think of D — not always bad, but not always good either.  Knowing this doesn’t stop me from listening to it, but it does at least prepare me with the bombardment that is about to occur.

But now the song ‘Breathe Me’ by Sia has been ruined for me.  I love the song, and each time the opening notes hit my ears I start to think of Chaos.  While I can tolerate and accept my other musical associations and triggers in regards to exes, I do not approve of this association.  At all.

I’ve always recognized the presence of triggers — smells, places, movies, music, specific meals, or even key phrases — but it’s been awhile since I can say that I’ve actually been affected by triggers.   And I greatly dislike the number of triggers that I currently have associated with Chaos.  The topic of triggers has come up a few times in conversations with people, and it’s gotten me wondering about them.

My main query:  is it possible to erase triggers?   My answer:  no, but it might be possible to mask them.

So here’s my theory — you’ll never be able to completely erase the effect that a person has on you, and with that you’ll never be able to completely erase the things that trigger thoughts of them.  But, not all hope is lost.  I believe that you can possibly superimpose new memories onto the old ones, replacing the old with the new, and in that you can make the old associations fade over time.  You’ll never be rid of them as a whole, but you can condition yourself to let another one take priority over the undesirable one.  Say your trigger is a place, a restaurant where you shared a special moment with someone.   You could go one of two ways, being (1) never return to the restaurant, or (2) try to regain your beloved restaurant by sharing a new moment with someone.  It’s not guaranteed to work, but from my experience it can have positive effects.

Many years ago when I was dating M he surprised me at work one day.  I was walking out of the building to go to lunch with a co-worker and he was leaning against a flowerbed, a backpack and my dog on a leash.  We walked to a nearby park and he threw down a fleece blanket before starting to unpack our very primative picnic lunch:  cheese and crackers, fresh fruit, and jello (which does not travel well in summer weather).   It was nothing special but it was the thought, and for years every time I would go to a park I would automatically think of him and that moment.  Which was a positive experience, but on the same token tends to remind you of what you’ve lost.

One of the main activities that C and I engage in during the warmer months are picnics.  In fact we refer to them as ‘picnics in the park’, which usually involve the two of us lounging on a bench or in the grass eating pizza or burritos.  We’ve been doing this for about two years now, and each winter seems like an excruciating stretch until the spring returns, along with our picnics.  And these days when I see a park I’m reminded of C and the many hours we have spend laying around talking about anything, including plotting of ways to get rid of the really annoying geese (the best plan so far is feeding them those dollar-store toys that grow to 10x their size when put in water).

I know triggers aren’t something that are specific to exes, but also involve friends and family, co-workers, casual acquaintances, or even random hookups.  I don’t think I’ll ever taste orange liqueur without thinking of the taste of Newton’s mouth, or hear the term ‘cocksandwich’ without thinking of one of my co-workers.  I just feel we take for granted the triggers in those with whom we are not romantically associated, and instead tend to focus on those of past lovers or loves.   I think all triggers should be equally important in our lives, and in that sense they should also be equally interchangeable.  As I said earlier, you cannot erase them completely but you can at least reduce the impact they have on you.  For better or for worse.

“Our memory is like a shop in the window of which is exposed now one, now another photograph of the same person. And as a rule the most recent exhibit remains for some time the only one to be seen.” — Marcel Proust


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Through The Concave Looking Glass

02Feb10

I feel as if things were perfectly balanced and in their rightful place, when suddenly I woke up Sunday morning to find myself in a different place and standing on my head instead of my two feet.  The inverted state of my body left all the blood rushing to my head and my thoughts to become all jumbled and devoid of any ounce of common sense.  Blinking a few times did not remedy the situation, and instead I still find myself in a very strange place where logic seems like a foreign concept and everyone behaves in a very improper manner.

I should have realized I was taking the whole Chaos thing too easily in stride when anyone I told seemed concerned that I would be taking it so well.  And I truly was, though in hindsight I’m wondering if it might have been a shock response.  But when I woke up yesterday it was like a switch had been flipped and suddenly my emotions were in a completely different plane than they were 12 hours before.  I woke up and I was upset, I was angry, and I was annoyed.  Most of all I was insulted and dejected.   I had possible-plans with some friends, and at the last minute opted to go spend time with them rather than mope around the house.  Human contact and all that jazz.  Unfortunately it didn’t work as planned since this very annoying person was there who talked constantly about nothing of any importance or interest, so I spent most of the meal and conversation afterwards dazed out and immersed in my own thoughts.  By the time I was ready to leave I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed.

[No dice.  Of course you can't sleep when you feel like this!]

Though it feels like comparing apples to oranges, it seemed like the same feeling of loss that I felt when I ended things with D.  And though it feels it should be odd to feel that, I can somewhat see where it’s coming from as both experiences had a sense of finality.  When I walked away from that relationship I vowed to never go back, in a sense filling out the death certificate for any future between us.  When S married the random girl he did the same thing — he indirectly told me that things between us will never happen.  Every woman carries around that seed of belief that maybe it’s bad timing, and maybe two years from now .. but he’s now affixed a ‘past expiry’ sticker on that possibility.  Even if it was a lie and he’s not married, the damage is done.  I can still see him as a friend, but I don’t think I could ever see him as anything more ever again.

Of course the situation this time around pales in comparison to how it did with D, which had set me in a catatonic state where I couldn’t sleep or eat for a good two weeks, and any exchange that exceeded more than 10 words with anyone would overwhelm me and cause me to burst into tears.   Last night I had some issues sleeping, but eventually I got there.  I have less of an appetite, but at least I do get hungry.  And I haven’t actually cried, though I’ve come close a few times but succeeded in fighting it off.  So it’s a diminished capacity of the state I was in following the D fiasco, which makes perfect sense considering the emotions involved in each.  I was in love with D, and I was in ‘like’ with S.  It’s understandable it bothers me, but not in a state to which I would be unable to function.

In hindsight watching ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’ when unable to sleep was a bad idea, since we were supposed to go see that together.  Damn triggers.

“The acknowledgment of our weakness is the first step toward repairing our loss.” — Thomas A. Kempis


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The New #000000

31Jan10

Okay now that I’ve had  a bit of time to digest everything a little better, I’ve come up with a rather hairbrained theory in regards to marriages these days.    I remember how 10 years ago the whole medieval wedding theme was popular, and how 5 years ago the idea of flying off to a tropical place to get married, family in tow, was the ‘it’ thing to do.  But what about now?  What are people doing in terms of marriage in 2010?

I think people are marrying random people in short periods of time.

Now I understand what you might be thinking — “but how?  why?  that’s madness!”, but I don’t really think it is.  In fact I can use four recent situations as first-hand proof that such a thing is occurring with more frequency in the past few years than it did in the past.  And this is not including the drunken-Vegas-random-hookup scenario that is ever-popular in movies and on tv.  These are actual people, who are for the most part sober and marrying random people.

(1) My friend E :  in the summer of 2008 she started e-dating a guy she went to highschool with in a different country.  She visited him a few months later and became engaged, getting married that coming December.  He’s now here and they have a baby.

(2) A friend B : she took three months off to visit Africa (for what reason, I never found out) and met a guy there.  She married him a month before she left and he’s currently in transition of moving here, a baby on the way for her.

(3) My friend P : she started seeing a guy in early 2009, married him in the fall of the same year.  She just moved in with him this month.

(4) Chaos : he went on a trip to Thailand, married a bartender/whore that he met a few days before.

The whole Chaos-marriage thing has spurred quite a few discussions about marriage and relationships between other people and myself.  There are a few of these people who know S, and thus have an understanding of him … to an extent.  A lot of people are saying “well it has to be a lie, he lies and it’s just … it’s crazy!”.  At this point I usually share one of the few gleams of insight I have about him, being that when he drinks he tends to agree to pretty much anything.  I don’t enlighten them on my experiences with this (aka the sex incident, the friends-with-benefits incident, and the foot-down-his-throat incident), but I assure them that I have seen and spoken to him while he’s drunk, and he’ll pretty much do or say anything that seems like a good idea at that time.  So could he have married some random thai hooker?  Sure.  Did he?  I’m not entirely sure.  I guess we’ll find out in a few days when he gets back if she returns with him.

If so … IDIOT.  But I digress.

When all of this started, one of the first people I told was E.  I figured insight into the chaos that is, well, Chaos, might finally get rid of the crazy notion in her head that someday “the timing will be right” and him and I will “finally get together”.  Well not only did it resolve that issue but it also started quite the interesting dialogue between the two of us in regards to marriage.  We were talking about a girl that we used to work with who swore she was going to get married before she turned 30; she met her to-be-husband in the fall, and married him one month before her 30th birthday.   While retelling this story, E made a confession to me:  she had a similar promise she had made to herself.  Hers didn’t involve her 30th birthday but her 31st; that she would be married and have a child before her 30th year was over.  And she also met her goal, with 4 months to spare.  When I asked her if this had any relevance to who she married she said no, but that she was lucky he came along when he did.  She told me she had a goal and she always meets her timelines.

I had a similar conversation with P a few months ago, when she confessed that her fiancee coming along was the perfect person and the perfect timing.  He asked her if she wanted to get married, and she fulfilled carpe diem in accepting.  She talked of how she’s over 30 now and she wants to start a family in the next few years, so it seemed like the perfect situation.  He was a great guy with a great job whom she really enjoyed being with, so when the opportunity arose she figured ‘why not?’.

I wish I could come up with examples of people to support this theory whom are not in their 30s, but unfortunately I do not.  Chaos is the youngest scenario I have to work with, and he turned 30 only two months ago.  I just find the whole concept of these accelerated courting periods seems to coincide all too nicely with the age of the people involved.  Is this what is happening these days?  People enter their 30s and suddenly feel this need to be in a marriage, so much so that they assign themselves a timeline by which they feel they have to meet target?  What happens if they don’t; do they feel like they’ve failed somehow?  Although I am believer of spontaneity and living in the moment, I almost wonder if this practice is perhaps a bit too much.

I know I certainly haven’t hit this stage yet, and 31 is a mere 4 months away.  Even in typing that, I don’t have any panic setting in.  No sweats, no trembles, no accelerated heart rate — everything is normal.  I will admit there has been a few moments in which I have thought to myself I might -like- being married soon, but never a moment where I felt like I -needed- to be married soon.  There is no clock ticking in my ear, or my belly.  Wherever the stupid thing is geographically located.

In discussing this theory with some of my friends I feel they’ve not been sure where to stand on drive-thru marriages being the new black.  Ironically though it has resulted in a few offers of marriage; C asked if I wanted to get married, another friend joked that we should go to Vegas to get drunk and hitched, and then another questioned “are you asking me to marry you?”.   Each of these situations has amused me somewhat, but at the same time it’s got me wondering if it’s really that easy to do.  Just think it, and execute.  I think the popularity of eloping certainly leans easily to this notion, and if you pick a partner that is in their 30s it seems your success rate with this approach is higher.  Science doesn’t lie kids, and while not everyone falls into this category it seems things might be trending in that direction.

“A good marriage is at least 80 percent good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust.” — Nanette Newman


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Outliers

28Jan10

I’ve always been able to relate xkcd to an extent, but this comic once shown to me just seemed to hit home on how almost all of my relationships come to fruition.

I meet a guy, we talk, we hang out, we have sex, and at some point we end up in a relationship.  It’s never really a huge dialogue that occurs in which the boy says to me “I think we should enter a relationship”, but rather a conversation similar to the one in the comic.  “You’re not dating anyone else and spend most of your time with me, ergo we are in a relationship.  Suck it up.”

(and yes, I have dated guys who’ve used the word ‘ergo’)

I’m used to be the statistical outlier in a few ways, not limited to dating but also including friendships and compatibility.  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts guys seem to view me as this exception to the rule of femininity, where I can look like a girl and slip into  moments of talking like a girl, but share the interests of a guy.  It makes for a good friendship, but awkward courting phases.

Last night while getting ready for bed I was standing in front of the mirror.  I had washed my face and pulled my hair back for sleeping, and was just finishing brushing my teeth.  I looked up at myself in the mirror and thought “you know, I’m kind of pretty”.  And don’t get me wrong, I have no ego.  I have confidence yes, but ego no.  I took notice of my skin, which is smooth, even, and blemish-free.   I noticed my hair, that while faded down to a dulled auburn shade has a nice natural shine and smoothness, even with a slight wave.   And while I will concede that my body shape is not optimal, it still has curves to work with.  I took in what I saw and weighed it out in my head, and realized that even if I may think I have not changed in the last few years I have.  I’ve drastically changed on the outside, becoming a much more feminine creature and actually evolving into someone I like.  Before shutting off the light I decided that I’m pretty enough that a guy should be lucky to go to bed with a girl like me each night.  And that was that.

And then .. *cue omnious music*

I overslept and crawled out of bed, booting up my laptop.  As FB was slowly loading C sent me a message so it popped up overtop of the browser.  As I’m chatting away with her FB finally loads and right next to the dialogue box I see ‘Chaos is now married’ with its quintessential little heart next to it.  The following conversation ensued:

k: OMFG
k: OH MY FUCKING GOD
C: ?
k: Chaos got married
k: ROFL
C: what?
k: oh my god oh my god
C: what?!?!?!
k: he got MARRIED
k: in thailand
C: wtf?!?!
C: random.
k: I know!
C: you sure it isnt a joke?
k: very random
k: oh it could be
k: but I’m laughing so fucking hard right now

And the sad part about the situation?  Laughing is exactly what I was doing.  I didn’t feel jealous, or annoyed, or angry .. anything like that.  I felt overwhelmingly amused by the situation.  Shouldn’t I be annoyed, or angry, or jealous?  I feel like that’s the expected reaction out of  me, since I used to like him.   Earlier this week I was telling C about how Chaos was taking photos with all these random hot thai chicks and posting them on FB.  She asked if I was jealous and I told her no, I just feel like shaking my head at them repeatedly.  It’s like there’s something sad about that.  Then again, who am I to cast stones?  I blog about boys I meet. :p

If anything this has been an interesting day full of randomness so far.  And as far as the Chaos cycle goes, this might be the biggest jerk/bitchslap thing he’s ever done.  But at least it’s helped me towards achieving one of my resolutions for 2010 — 10.  Get over him.


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Extensions

27Jan10

I received a message from my random FB guy that I went to highschool with .. and with whom I have a very pleasant and splendid date back over the holiday season.  He sent me a message on FB the other day indicating his approval of my decision to bake cookies while wearing a skirt.  In fact, he is a firm supporter of me wearing skirts more often, and plans to encourage it in the near future.

His re-emergence has put me in an interesting situation, being the single parent dilemma.   There is this unwritten rule in the universe that dictates you don’t fuck with a single mom.  You can fuck her, but you’d better genuinely like her and not be using her for a one-night stand.  Single moms are a special breed, and one that should be appreciated and put on a pedestle.   As put in the infamous words of the movie Jerry Maguire:  “…. but a real man wouldn’t shoplift the pootie from a single mom.”

So here’s what I’m wondering:  does the rule extend both ways?  If men are supposed to respect the single mom and not take advantage of the ‘pootie’, are women supposed to be the same way with single dads?  Because random FB dude has two kids ( aged 11 and 8 ) does this mean that the rules of engagement are different?  Don’t get me wrong, by no means am I trying to drag the guy along and mislead him into thinking I want something long-term and serious.  He knows how I feel about kids (not ready) and about a relationship (again, not ready) but that I am open to the idea of dating and getting to know people better.   So at least I can claim that I haven’t been misrepresenting myself.  But I just wonder if, even if you lay it all on the table and spell it out in plain block-lettered english, is a single parent going to always be on a different page than a single person with no kids?

I know single people with kids and they just always seem to be looking for another partner.  Not someone to pass the time, or to see casually until you get to know them better.  They seem to evaluate everyone they meet and try to gauge their partner-potential within the first five minutes.   Then they sort and discard as necessary.  It seems to me that they take dating much more seriously than any of the (now limited) single friends that I have.  And I can understand this to an extent when kids are involved; my parents separated when I was 13 and while my dad lucked out and met his wife (and now partner for 17 years) on the first shot, we were subjected to my mother’s string of failed relationships that were not only mentally draining but physically demoralizing.  So I get that single parents have to be a little more careful about who they choose to let in, and who they choose to let meet their kids.   It’s hard on youngins to have people brought in and out of their lives in that way.

All of this has made me wonder if the prospect of another date with him is a good idea.  Yes I had a great time, and yes we got along great.  And no I don’t think he’s trying to ‘be’ with me; I get the impression he’s just along for the ride.  But each time I flirt with him in a message reply I feel like a dirty person, like I’m committing this huge taboo and that it’s going to blow up in my face.  I can see my mother lecturing me, saying “I told you not to go out with him, and now he’s in love with you and so are his kids, and you cannot break their hearts.  So suck it up princess and be an adult”.

Okay that’s not realistic now, but it could be later.  And yes, my mother actually would say that.

On the plus side he hasn’t asked me out again yet, but I will in the area on Valentine’s weekend.  And he strikes me as the type that would find that too prime of a situation to pass up as an excuse to ooze out the romance and seduction.  I guess time will tell .. two weeks to go.

“We are apt to forget that children watch examples better than they listen to preaching. -Roy L. Smith.”


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Primary Kisses [2004]

24Jan10

I went on about two dates with the guy before the third one; the one in which I let things finally get more intimate.  The first was a get-to-know-you encounter that started with dinner and ended with us sitting in a coffee shop for almost seven hours, talking about random things.  When I got home after six a.m. my girlfriend was livid with me for scaring her, being out so late.  It amused me greatly.

On our third date he stopped by before we went out and asked if he could use my shower, so I said sure. When I dropped towels off on the sink for him I felt his hand grab my wrist seconds before he dragged me in with him, clothing and all.  I screamed and struggled while he laughed.  I took the longest shower in my history without sex; we just washed, and he held me while under the water, kissing my forehead.  It was kind of romantic until we ran out of hot water.

When we got back to my place we had sex and talked a bit.  He told me how he doesn’t kiss on the lips unless he means it — unless he really likes the girl, and I told him I could respect that.  I woke up from my sleep that night to the sensation of him kissing my forehead softly, then each of my eyes, and then his lips brushing mine.  He did this about three times before drawing me up against his chest and drifting back to sleep.  I acted like I slept through the entire thing, and never told him I knew what he did that night.


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The World Is Not Flat?

23Jan10

So Chaos is officially on the other side of the world right now; I figured as much but his Facebook status reminded me of this fact in case I forgot.  I had a weird dream last night in which he messaged me on msn telling me he wasn’t on his trip, but was at home.  He kept saying some weird declaration of wanting to be more than friends.  I assumed it was whomever was feeding his cat messing with me and disregarded what he was saying.  Then I left for my lunch date.

And I do have a lunch date today!  Well, lunch with a couple of my girlfriends, but it makes me happy anyway.

Speaking of dates, I finally heard back from Newton yesterday about the movie I invited him to LAST WEEK.  He apologized and told me work has been busy so he’s  been MIA from everything for the past while, which seems true.  And while he could have left it off there, he proceeded to tell me he actually hasn’t seen the movie in question.  So it sounds like he might want to go, but meh.   I guess I’ll know if I hear back from him in another two weeks.

I’ve had this weird situation going on with a friend of a friend in the gaming group I joined.  There are 12 of us members now, and only 3 of us are girls (but most of the girls are actually paired with their husbands, so maybe it’d be more accurate to say there are 14 of us and 3 are girls).  Regardless, one of the guys has been talking to me a lot.  And no, I don’t think he likes me or anything, and besides he’s married.  But it just strikes me as odd for this literal stranger to have befriended me so quickly/easily.  Him and I talk back and forth through the group emails, plus he’s now leaving me messages on my PSN account saying hi and telling me goodnight.  It just strikes me as weird, and makes me wonder if this is how socially awkward society has become — that when someone is trying to be nice and befriend you, and making a valiant effort to make you feel welcome, it ends up feeling weird and making you suspicious.

Food for thought.  Now I need to get ready and put food in ma bellah.  I’m putting on a skirt today and everything, because the sun is out, and also just because I can.

“Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.” — BC Forbes


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Medicinal Laughter

22Jan10

My life is pretty uneventful recently, and will be for the next while.  I have plans for lunch one day this weekend with some girlfriends, but otherwise I think I might lay low and stay out of trouble –  meaning stay away from men.

It’s been an odd week though, with a bunch of my ex-boyfriends and ex-lovers popping up in my life in various capacities.  Two ex-boyfriends flirted with me online without knowing it was me, another is in a PS gaming group I recently joined (in which he talks with me, unbeknownst to his over-possessive wife), Avogadro sat next to me one day and almost seemed to be -flirting- with me (wth), and I hung out with Chaos in a very nice casual context, as well as saw him today to collect my abandoned mug without any weirdness*.

And then there is my friend — the one I went to visit back in November.  The one that was interested in me, and I couldn’t muster up any chemistry to reciprocate his advances because I was so hung up on Chaos.  He left me a message on FB asking if I wanted to go to a music festival in the upcoming months with him.  Of course I said I would, and I got a little excited at the idea of spending some more time with him.   As friends.  And all of our conversations on my wall were nothing but platonic until we were on messenger tonight and he started flirting with me a bit.

N: you have skillz thou
N: except when i’m deflowering you

Methinks I’m going to have to tread lightly on this one, or maybe have that “talk” that h. recommended back in November.

I’ve also reconnected with a few people recently that I used to talk to online many years ago, which is actually bringing me much joy.  I spent a good half hour talking about relationships and the differences between what people want vs. what they need in their partners with one such fellow.  Though I’ve had this discussion a good ten times in the past few months, I always find it interesting to rehash with someone new.   I liked his view that he was the ‘exception to the rule’, though he had to agree my views were pretty sound.  Boys are funny like that.

* [ I messaged Chaos asking if he was ever planning to bring my mug to work, and he said he would try and remember that night .. or I could stop by and pick it up.  It was a nice day so I chose option #2 (a guarantee to get my mug back) and walked over to his place.  One thing that people never seem to anticipate is my lack of a concept of time; I'm notorious for being 5 minutes late to most rendezvous.  So when I left Chaos a message saying 'be there in 10-15' he actually assumed I'd be there within 15 minutes, unaware that I was still at my apartment cursing my misplaced headphones for being so well hidden.   When I finally got to Chaos' place I was happy to find the outside door unlocked and halfway up the stairs I found him on the landing, checking his phone.  I gave him a funny look because he looked relieved to see me, and then he relayed the story:  when he realized more than 15 minutes had elapsed he thought maybe I was locked out again (like earlier this week) so he grabbed his phone to check if I texted him.  He discovered his phone was in airplane mode (testing it for his trip), so he panicked thinking I was outside and had been texting him with no reply.  He ran down the stairs to see if I was waiting but I wasn't outside so he left the door ajar and walked back upstairs, at which point I walked in as he was putting his phone settings back to normal to check for a text/text me.  The first thing he said I didn't hear because I still had my headphones on, but the look on his face .. the shock and then relief at seeing me, it was priceless.

Okay, so -I- thought it was kind of cute and it made me laugh.  Shut up. ]

“Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.” — Victor Hugo


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Olfactory Stimuli

20Jan10

So today was one of interest, being that it started one way and finished in a completely different one.

I woke up stupidly early because I had plans to hang out with Chaos.  We didn’t really pre-arrange what we would be doing or where we’d hang out, and sure enough when I asked what he thought he was indifferent.  I got ready and told him we’d be hanging out at his place, made my travel mug full of coffee, packed up some games in my purse and headed over there.  But we didn’t actually end up playing any games.  Or watching tv, or movies.  Or doing really pretty much of anything that I would have figured we’d have done.

Instead we talked.

We talked for about three or four hours.  We talked about work for a bit, then talked about casual stuff:  gaming, things we do to pass the time, where we each see ourselves in the next few years, travelling, the ill effects of too much alcohol.  I asked him a few times during brief pauses in the conversation if he wanted to play a game or do something else, he’d just shrug and then start talking about something else.  Eventually our conversation dipped its toes into the area of relationships, which was … interesting.  He brought it up and talked about how he doesn’t want a relationship and isn’t sure if he ever does.  I told him that eventually, someday, he’s going to want to settle down with someone.  He joked that maybe when he’s fifty, but yeah … I just don’t know with him.  He talked about how he thinks relationships are just a headache and too much of a hassle to bother with; I just shrugged.   I can relate to not wanting a relationship now, but I can’t say I can relate to never wanting one ever again.  And I told him as much.

While the conversation wasn’t about us or a relationship between us, I think the point was pretty much clear to both of us — we want different things in life.  Sure we both want to escape this small town and want something better, and sure we laugh at the same jokes, finish each other’s sentences and say the exact same thing at the same time.  We like the same things, but still have difference interests as well.  But for the important stuff we want different things.  Where he’s been burned in the past and would rather just give up, I want to believe the best.  I’m a hopeless romantic and want to believe that there’s something better out there for me someday.

Sitting cross-legged on his couch while he sat in his chair, reclining and telling me a story, I realized I really like the guy.  But not in the way I used to like him.  I enjoy spending time with him, his company, sharing interests and talking about anything and everything.  But I don’t have to be in a relationship with him to have these things, and I don’t need to like him to have an excuse to spend time with him.   When I left his place later that day I just felt … better.  I was worried how it was all going to play out, and instead of being a complete disaster it was actually kind of nice.  It made me look forward to him getting back from his trip so we could hang out again (at my place, and definitely playing some video games).

And then .. ugh, weirdness hit.   We had a meeting tonight, and I showed up with one of my co-lackeys and sat down.  We sat with a seat of space in between us, as most of us usually do in the large conference room.  Chaos came in and sat down in the chair right next to me, which was a little odd.  He didn’t say anything, but just sat there.  About half way through the meeting he started fidgeting in his chair and it slid a little closer to mine, which I caught in my peripheral vision before returning my focus to my boss.  And then suddenly I could smell him; the scent of his cologne.  My brain flashed back to moments curled up with him and that scent being wrapped around me, the comfort and how much I just enjoy his smell.  I had to blink a few times and force myself to stop breathing through my nose, and as soon as I did that the problem seemed to disappear and I could focus on the meeting again.

So okay, maybe I’m not completely over the hump.  There are little triggers that obviously are going to linger, like his scent.  But up until that moment every time I looked at him I didn’t feel that little rush or a longing like I have in the past.  And after I was outside of a space where my olfactory senses were bombarded with familiarity, again I seemed to be over it.

So either way, progress.  I think for the first time in months we’re finally on the same page, and things can finally go back to normal.

“Nothing revives the past so completely as a smell that was once associated with it.” — Vladimir Nabokov


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